The Money Pit

I do.

I do.

You've made me very happy, my dear.

I am happy too.

I wish only that your son would have come to our wedding.

My son has problems.

How can he have problems with a father like you?

He has problems because he has a father like me.

"Dear Walter, wedding snap of me and your new mom.

We won't be coming to New York for the 2.9 million reasons...

you are more than aware of. Love, Dad.

Give my best to the Cheap Girls. They were my favorite."

- Very pretty, your new mom. - We used to be a respectable law firm.

- Now look at him. - Looks happy to me.

He steals the money, I get the bills. Dad, why did you do this to me?

- Well, I can see why. - Good night, Walter.

- "New mom." How old is that girl? - Good morning, Walter.

Don't they have any laws in Brazil? Don't they have any police?

Don't be so conventional.

I'm a conventional kind of guy.

That's all I ever wanted to be, just conventional.

A little house in the suburbs, a white picket fence...

maybe a dog, 2.4 kids...

and just to round it out... a wife. Will you marry me?

Walter...

My darling...

I love you very much.

But why do we need a piece of paper from the state of New York?

One bad experience, that's all. You just had one bad experience.

Just give me a little more time.

Okay.

But I can't live this life of shame much longer.

You're gonna have to make an honest man of me.

I like the kissing part.

- Did you hear that? - What?

Somebody just came in our front door.

Be careful, Walter.

Oh, my God! You're still here?

Boat has docked. He's here, you're out.

Who the hell are you?

Maestro is back!

I thought he wasn't coming back until next week.

You know Maestro. He surprise you.

What are you talking about? Who is this guy?

- I thought I had a year. - You did, but year has come and gone.

What you do? You stayed in bed all the time? Didn't look for apartment?

I... did. There are no apartments.

Yeah, right!

Who are we talking about? Who is this guy? Who are you?

- I'm talking to him, he won't answer me. - When is he coming here?

Oh, maybe a minute, maybe an hour. But he will come.

It's him you're talking about, isn't it? The lunatic is back.

Yes!

I thought he was in Europe.

He was, and now he's back, and you're out!

Oh. All right. I'm sorry. Look, guys...

why don't I talk to him.

Maybe we can live here all together.

Wait. Wait. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

You're not lookin' at a charity case here.

If this is his apartment, we'll get out.

It's no problem. Could you just give us a few minutes alone?

Sure, I understand. Have a nice day.

What are we gonna do?

This is New York City. It takes months to find a place...

even if you're rich. And we're broke!

We're doomed, homeless, penniless. Doomed.

- I'm sorry, Walter. - No, no, no. It's not your fault.

We both knew he was coming back.

It's just that we've been so happy lately.

Jack can help us.

Isn't Jack in jail?

No. No, he got off with a small fine.

Jack's a perfectly legitimate real estate agent.

- Well, as long as we're together... - nothing bad can happen.

- Good morning, Realty Office. - Oh, here's a beautiful place.

It's only an eight-hour commute to New York City. You don't get in more than once a week, do you?

I'll even go to SoHo. I looked at a loft there a few years ago.

It was $350 a month. It's probably gone up, but...

SoHo, 350 a month. Let's see, Eisenhower was president, right?

I'm worried, Jack. I'm very worried.

Listen, Walter, I gotta take a call.

Meet me at the jogging track at 1:00. You won't recognize me. I'm so thin!

Where have you been? You're almost late.

Martha, in this country we have an expression for almost late.

It's called "on time."

- You don't seem nervous. - I'm not.

She's not nervous. I'm nervous!

- You're hysterical. - How is Walter taking it?

Taking what? There's nothing to take.

Here he comes!

Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.

It's a great pleasure to be back with you again.

I'm sure you feel the same.

When I left, you were the finest orchestra in the world.

God knows what a season under the heavy hand...

of my esteemed colleague has wrought.

Let us assess the damage...

with the Haydn, from the beginning.

Jimmy!

Watch it! Watch it!

Jimmy!

Walter, big guy! Big "W." What's shakin'?

I've got some papers! The band has to sign these!

- What is it? - Well, it's the Roy Rogers restaurants...

we bought into, and I sold off the Tucson property.

This is their share, and this is mine.

Now, I figure that cancels out half my father's debt...

but check your records, make sure we agree.

Walter, what are you payin' them back for?

They're used to people stealin' from 'em. This is only gonna confuse 'em.

They've got too much money now as it is.

Jimmy, you're their manager. Why are you telling me this?

- Because I like you better than I like them. - But they're your sister and your brothers!

The union forces me to allow you to go to lunch...

in spite of the way you've played.

Those of you with consciences will not be able to eat.

And those of you whose consciences match your talents...

go stuff yourselves.

I hope you choke.

Jog with me, Wally. I don't wanna break my rhythm.

- How long have you been doing this, Jack? - Oh, six months. It's great.

Next month I'm gonna run in a 1-K.

Would you believe it? Before I started this, I couldn't fit into these clothes.

I feel better. I look better. I sweat better.

So you called my office. Do you have some good news for me?

Good news? When you hear what I got for you, just remember:

This is a conservative club.

Don't rip off my shoes and kiss my feet!

You don't have to worry about that.

You asked for an apartment? Something nice, yet affordable?

Uh, Jack, could you sweat the other way, please?

- Wally, will you listen to me? - Not if you keep calling me Wally.

- What is that? - Oh, it's nothing. It's a pulse alarm.

- Well, maybe we should stop. - No, no, no. These things are unreliable.

Walter, can you get your hands on $200,000 by close of business Friday?

Well, let me see. If I sell everything I own, maybe I can buy you lunch.

Jack?

Jack, are you all right?

- I'm fine, really. - Take it easy, Mr Schnittman.

- Has this ever happened before? - Yeah.

Seven times in the past five months.

I thought jogging was getting you in better shape.

- It is. - Yeah.

Thanks to the jogging, now I can lift him into the ambulance.

- Walter, this is a million-dollar house, literally. - I just want an apartment.

My girlfriend's ex-husband returned from Europe today.

That's nice.

No, we have to get out of his place now. It's an uncomfortable situation.

Why would somebody sell a million-dollar house for 200,000?

Who knows? A divorce, loan sharks...

drugs, sudden death.

The point is: You get to capitalize on a fellow human being's misfortune.

That's the basis of real estate. Have we got a deal?

- You are more beautiful than ever. - Thank you. So are you.

- Why did we ever get divorced? - So we could look better, for one reason.

- Can I speak frankly? - Anything's possible.

Anna, I have learned that my life is meaningless without you.

I know we made a mess of things before...

but I wanna put the past behind us and begin again fresh...

and new, and at the same time older and wiser.

- Can we do that? - No.

- What do you mean "no"? Why not? - I love Walter.

- "Walter"? What Walter? - Oh, Max, you know exactly what Walter.

Don't be ridiculous. He's not even a musician.

Many people aren't.

Anna, please, I have finally discovered there is only one person in the world who matters to me.

And that's you. I've known that for a long time.

No. You love me, and I love you.

You love you. I love Walter.

Will you stop saying that?

Max, it's over for us. Over.

All right. Then just go to bed with me.

A few of the Maestro's things. He moves back in today, you know.

Yeah, I know.

Party's over for you guys. You'll have to go home.

Some girl called. Said she'd taken a lot of pills...

and was gonna kill herself if you didn't call her.

No, no. I get those calls two or three times a week.

- She really sounds bad. - I think she sounds awful...

but she sold six million records last year.

- Walter! - Hey, how are ya?

I gotta get some food right now!

Okay, we promised never to come to your place again, but this is a major crisis.

It's not my place any more.

When your father took all our money, you were so nice to us.

You washed my hair. I didn't forget that.

We trust you, Walter. We need your advice.

I am sure I did not wash your hair!

Look, I gotta get up early tomorrow and go see Benny.

- You see Benny? - What's your problem?

- We want to change the name of the band. - You can't do that!

You've spent years and a fortune to make your name a household word.

Your name is perfect. "Cheap Girls." I love it.

- I'm not sure it's us. - It is.

We wanna call ourselves "Meryl Streep."

No, no. You cannot call yourselves "Meryl Streep."

- Maybe she'll be flattered. - No.

In fact, considering your act, I think I can guarantee a giant lawsuit.

Don't take off your coat. Forget it. You are not calling yourselves "Meryl Streep."