Lover Boy (Grazie… Nonna)

Slowly, slowly... what's the hurry? Show some manners.

I would like everyone to try and remember today's lesson.

I only teach... you must learn. "What you desire is not what's required."

Enough of that! Don't touch her.

You in particular need to pay attention, Carletto. In fact, I'm due to tutor you in Latin later today.

As for the rest of you, that's all for today.

Sondra... want a lift on the back of my scooter?

Hello.

Hi.

Can someone other than her get a ride home?

Get on...

THANK YOU... GRANDMOTHER

Don't squeeze so hard.

Marinella... you live here.

- Thanks a lot. - You're welcome.

The old bag must be senile to pull such a trick.

This woman is a complete stranger to me. I've never seen her photograph.

All of a sudden I get a telegram from Venezuela saying ...

"I'm arriving on such and such a date and I expect you at the airport."

But General, she married your father, God rest his soul.

So what?

Show respect. She deserves consideration as your stepmother.

When my old man left my mother and me alone when I was a child?

That's paternal devotion.

Well... once and a while he'd send us some money.

When mother died he married this potato... at the age of 68.

She must be in her dotage by now.

His bank in Caracas had to write me to tell me that he'd died.

So now what does this old fossil want of me?

What right does she have to inflict herself on me?

I'll bet she's coming her to get a loan or have us feed her until she croaks.

Yeah, a grandmother is all we're missing here, what with Celeste bossing us around.

Listen to this little ingrate, who's nose I blew until a week ago.

Let's not squabble. Let's think about grandmother.

We need the storage space in our guest room, so we'll tell her that we have no room.

I'll rent her a room - or better a suite - rather than have her around me.

Alright, but you still have to meet her at the airport.

Well, I can't this morning. I'm supposed to be at the factory right now.

The hotel chain wants us to furnish glassware, and we're closing the deal this morning.

Let's send Giorgio to meet her.

But my band - we're supposed to audition today for the rock festival. It's a big show.

You and that guitar. You might at least have been in an orchestra or played something better.

But don't think I can go, trying to take care of this house with three men as messy as you are.

Why can't we send Carletto?

Carletto, you've no objection to meeting your South American grandmother, do you?

Here's some money, Carletto.

Hire a taxi... and put her up at the Astor. I'll make the reservation.

Tell her the house is a mess. That we're having the walls painted.

This says meet her at noon.

- So long, kids. - Bye...

And you be careful on the highway.

Well this ball-buster is all I needed...

"Mrs. Marianna Persiquetti is requested to come to the information desk."

"Mrs. Marianna Persiquetti is requested to come to the information desk."

"Mrs. Marianna Persiquetti is requested to come to the information desk."

Senora Persiquetti? Are you Marianna?

Marijuana? I do not smoke marijuana!

Sir, the lady whom you paged has arrived. She's waiting at the information counter.

There... she said that's her name.

I'm Marianna Persiquetti. And you?

Carlo Persiquetti... Carletto.

Are you really... truly... my grandmother?

Yes, it's true... your granny.

Well, can we get moving?

Did you come in a car?

No, we're taking a taxi.

Tell me something, what does it mean when they say to you to go... bo.. topo...

- Go-go topless? - Yes.

It's a compliment that means... "beautiful girl."

What a marvelous country!

In Italy the men who carry your luggage are so gallant. Splendid!

Next time you want to say "go-go topless", say it to your own grandmother.

Excuse me, I didn't know the lady could understand what I said.

But why should I say it to my grandmother?

That's my grandmother.

Well she's "go-go topless" to me.

My heavens, that boy's late.

What possessed you to send a mere child, when anything could have gone wrong?

Stop this sniveling like the mother of a 12-year-old.

There you go with your usual thanks.

Who's been doing everything like your own mother for you and Carlo?

Oh, Celeste... Carletto's a young man. It's time you realized that.

There he is at the front door. Finally.

Carletto, we've been worried about you.

Now, Carletto... tell us what she's like.

That was a chore, papa. Granny's a monster.

An old battle-axe.

I have to buy her lunch, so I need some more cash.

She's afraid of being left alone.

She wanted to live here with us, but I talked her out of it.

It took a lot of effort, too.

But why should you waste your lunch when I've fixed you tortellini?

I've got to eat with granny. Come on papa... shell out!

Or I'll bring her to the house.

Oh no you don't.

But how did you already spend all I gave you this morning?

I have a lot to talk about with granny, so don't worry if I'm late.

But, Carletto...

Come in.

Just a moment, I'm in the bathtub.

Who is it?

Your grandson, Carletto.

Ah, it's you, Carletto. Would you do me a favor?

Please bring me the little blue jar in my make-up case.

Sure, granny.

Uhhh... this one, granny?

Yes. Why don't you go sit down? I'll be with you in a minute.

Excuse me, Carletto.

For what?

The pretty flowers! How thoughtful. Who's been so nice?

I was... because it was my good luck... I mean pleasure, to meet you first.

Thank you.

Granny, there isn't much time to dress before lunch.

Don't make me feel old by saying, "Granny."

Call me Marianna.

Are we lunching at your house?

Oh, no... the painters are out there. I told you. Lots of people.

We'll go to a nice restaurant, okay?

Do we join your brother and father there?

My father's busy every day. So's Giorgio.

That's fine. Just you and me at the restaurant, then.

- Sorry. - That's alright.

I like the little car. It's fun to ride in.

Yes. It's a new model. You don't need to have a license.

I got it on approval. I hope papa will buy it.

The speciality here is seafood.

It's my favorite treat. You must have guessed it.

The tables are better back here.

So's the view.

Smell the salt spray.

I can't control my appetite.

There's a table by the window.

- Please. - Thank you.

- Waiter. - Yes sir.

- May I take your order? - You suggest something.

What are the specialties here today?

Most people want the chowder. I recommend our cockels ala marina, or bucatini sailor-style.

What's bucatini?

Oh... something like spaghetti, with a hole in the center.

And this, this ... cocks marine-style?

Oooo... what an idea, lady.

And, uh... to drink. Chianti rose if you have it.

Best in the house.

What's wrong with the waiter?

I'll explain it afterwards.

That'll be fine.

Hey... what a view.

Want to change places?

Yeah... with that boy.

Here's your bucatini, ma'am. Piping hot.

Thank you.

That'll be all, thanks.

Excuse me, ma'am, but if you'd like to avoid the whistle...

There's no reason to explain it to the lady.

She knows very well how to manage bucatini.

But... she enjoys having it whistle. What's wrong with that?

Nothing. She can whistle whenever she wants.

Thank you.

Take a look at what Carletto's picked up.

- Hi, everyone. - Hi. Hi.

Hi, Carletto.

Sorry, I'll have to skip practice.

I have more important things than working out to keep me busy.

What does he mean, "Skip practice"?

Sports.

Have fun, kids.

- Bye. - Bye... have fun.

- That outfit's an original. - What about that hat?

What's the matter, Marinela?

What's the matter? First of all, she's madly in love with Carletto.

Second, he made her fall so hard on her little behind that the windows are still rattling.

Celeste, you sound like the brakes on my scooter.

So where are you off to in Giorgio's suit and that stuff in your hair?

That's none of your business!

It's my business is to keep your father from getting worried.

I should know what to say when I'm asked where you are.

Just say I went to take out my old granny. That's what he ordered me to do, right?

Right.

Carletto...

Your order of two whiskeys, sir.

Have you put it in soda?

No, sir. But I put in some bicarbonate - that's considered modern.

Fine, thanks.

You're welcome.

- Drink up. - Thanks.

To the youngest grandmother.

The most dazzling, most gorgeous, most fascinating, most... most...

...most revealing grandmother.

Really, Carletto. You have said so before... three times.

Have I?

May we dance?

Sure, sure.

You're tired?

I'm not tired.

What are you dancing?

Oh... it's a modern dance.

Is that better?

Great. Lower it, though. I'd give it more bass.

That way it's more sexy. Here, give it to me...

Oh... play outside!