Son of Zorn

You know, Alan, we can't say we're taking part

in a Turkey Trot if we don't dress the part.

Gobble gobble. You don't have to say

"gobble gobble" after everything.

Okay, I'll come up with some other cool animal sounds.

I tell you what, I hope everyone at this race

is ready to get their asses lapped.

Zorn, this is just for fun.

So don't do that thing

where you run way too fast

and create a vacuum behind you.

Remember the breast cancer walk?

Alan, I measured

your head while you were sleeping. I think this will fit.

I'm gonna go see what's up with those bathrooms, so...

Well, don't forgot your turkey hat!

Uh, for tomorrow, I was gonna bring a Smorkleberry pie

that I made-- don't worry, I followed the rules

so we don't all get poisoned.

If the berry's yellow, you're okay, fellow.

But the berry's red, you're already dead.

Zorn, I told you you can't come.

I'm sorry, but this is the first time

since we were married that my mom agreed

to come over for Thanksgiving.

Well, I thought that was just one of your

elaborate jokes that doesn't make any sense.

You know, like getting engaged to Craig.

So you wouldn't turn some

innocent comment into a big fight

about politics and then hurl her rental car into the sun?

I mean, come on, that was...

that was the old Zorn.

Okay? That was the Zorn that hated

your horrible hag of a mother.

I-I've changed into the Zorn that can ignore

that your mother's a horrible hag.

And I would never knowingly

hurt someone if... Go time!

I mean, this is pretty much the best

summer music program out there.

It's crazy, but I could actually

see myself becoming a musician one day.

No, that's not crazy.

I think it's great they're letting boys do that now.

Yeah, Mom says I can't do it

'cause the program costs, like, ten grand.

Well, you can always ask your grandma.

She's a hateful wench who should be tediously destroyed,

but she is independently wealthy. I guess it won't

be that bad. Yeah,

she totally deserves to die.

Can you believe she thinks

I ruined your mom's life? Well,

after you met Mom, she did drop out of college

and end up saddled with a burdensome kid.

That's a good point. Well, for what it's worth,

it does suck you can't come to Thanksgiving.

Hey, hey, hey, don't you worry your little head about me, okay?

You go have fun with the family.

I got big plans tomorrow anyway.

Big plans.

Ugh, this itch is killing me.

Zorn, I'm with a patient. Uh, no, no.

I-I'll be quick, Dr. Klorpins.

I've got this itch in my penises area.

And, uh, I ran this 5K yesterday,

so I think it might it have--

Yeah, Zorn, Zorn, that's runner's rash.

It's easily treatable.

You just need a dragon's fang

and the blood of a royal infant.

Mix it up into a paste

and slather it on your scrotums.

Oh, on all the scrotums. Okay. All right, thanks, Doc.

I will destroy you!

Ow.

What are you doing here, Linda?

Avoiding Thanksgiving, 'cause I hate it.

What are you doing here? Missing Thanksgiving,

'cause Edie's mom hates me.

Also, my upstairs neighbors play

some song called "Black Hole Sun"

over and over real loud.

I guess we're hanging out then.

So why does your mom hate Zorn again?

Well, can you blame her?

She was a single working mom,

gave her kids a great life,

and then she just watched me throw it all away

by running off to Zephyria and marrying a barbarian.

You know, Edie, this might not be the right time to say it,

but you got a book in you.

I just feel like, after all these years,

I'd like to show her that my life is on a great track again.

Mm-hmm. My career,

my family.

Uh-oh. Oh, my God, she's here.

All right. Okay.

Stop with the beans. Yep. Nope. I am.

Hi, Mom.

Edie, hello!

Hi.

Happy Turkey Day, Roberta.

Craig. Hi.

I swear, you haven't got

one day older since the last time I saw you.

Oh, don't worry, I'm not a vampire.

Or am I?

Hi, Grammy!

I must not have heard you come in,

because I was practicing my music in my room, you know?

Music is my life.

Well, darling, would you put that down, go out to the car,

get my luggage, and put it in your room?

You're staying in my room?

Yes. I don't know why I said that as a question,

because you are... Yeah.

Let me get those bags.

Bag 'em up, load 'em in! That's right.

No problem!

Mom, I'm so glad you're here.

There's so much I want to show you.

If it's the wine stain on your sweater,

I've already seen that.

Oh.

That one looks like a pig, right?

Oh, and-and that one looks like a throk-beast.

Throk-beast?

It's like a cross between

a horse and a river chakraborg.

Yeah. So, why do you hate Thanksgiving?

Me, I mean, I'll take any excuse to be with my family.

I grew up on a farm. I had a pet turkey.

You love a turkey, then tell me you're okay with Thanksgiving.

No, no, I hear you.

I mean, raise a child and then tell me you still

love the Spring Child-Eating Festival, right?

So, you're not allowed at Thanksgiving?

Yeah, you know, my ex-wife thinks I'm gonna

go all Zorn on her mom.

Uh, that's a saying about someone else, by the way.

Zorn Paulson. But, I mean, come on.

You can see I've changed, right?

Yeah, I mean, when I first met you,

you were violent and incompetent.

And now you're... less those things.

Oh, you know what?

I should just crash Thanksgiving dinner,

whether they like it or not, and prove to Edie

and her mom that I've changed!

Go time!

The place is amazing.

It really is, and in a way, you've removed every trace

of Zorn--except for Zorn,

of course. Well, like I said,

he only moved back here for Alan's sake.

Well, you're Alan's mother.

If you think it's important,

I trust you know best.

Thank you.

Oh, hello there, sweet Grandmother.

I, uh, stripped my bedding and put on your special sheets.

The ones you brought from home for one night.

I wish I'd remember to bring my memory foam pillow.

Yours are always so hard.

Oh, well. What's a little neck pain?

Ladies and gentlemen,

the gravy has been boated.

The S.S. Thanksgiving Dinner

is about to set sail.

Can I get you a glass of wine?

Sauvignon blanc? Good memory, Alan.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Aw, come on, we both knew I was coming.

Okay, I know what you're thinking. "Zorn's here

to ruin Thanksgiving. Yeah, that's what I'm thinking.

But, look, I'm a changed Zorn, okay?

I'm wearing a turtleneck, and-and I made a pie.

Hey. I was just listening through the door with this cup.

Shut up, Craig!

No, I mean, shut up, Craig?

Edie, he's Alan's father. He's family.

And every year on this day,

families across America set aside their petty squabbles.

They share a bird, a side of stuffing...

Craig... I'm not finished.

Now, if we can't come together as a family

on Thanks-gosh-damn-giving,

then I may as well pour gravy

all over you and take a big bite out of your breast.

Because you're the turkey.

Give me the stupid pie.

Yeah.

Yes! I am through the door

and smelling that turkey.

Dad! Mom, I'm so sorry.

I didn't know he was coming.

Hello, Roberta. Look, I know we've had our problems,

but I'd like to start over. If you're uncomfortable though,