American Housewife

Mom, you made another lasagna?

I'm just staying busy.

Oh, because you've been unemployed for three months

and the kids are gone all day at school,

so you're feeling purposeless?

Where the hell are you getting that?

Ladies' Home Journal.

I was killing time waiting for my dentist appointment.

Ooh, also, I learned how to make a "she shed."

We need to do something about my clothes.

See?

I have a purpose.

What do you need, honey?

Now that I'm out of special ed,

I have to start dressing like someone

who doesn't have her mittens sewn into her jacket.

Mommy stands ready to help.

Actually, I don't need your help.

In fact, you're part of the problem.

Every piece of clothing I own has fruit on it.

This skirt is covered in bananas.

Tell me... what were you thinking?

Well, maybe she was just...

Don't defend her.

I want Taylor to take me.

Fine.

Taylor, take Anna-Kat shopping tomorrow.

I've got things going on!

Unlike you, I have a life.

Learning to take responsibility is also on your list of things

you need to accomplish before you go to college.

Come on, there's so many other ways

I could take responsibility.

Such as?

I was hoping there wasn't gonna be a follow-up.

I mean, what if she only wants to dress like Eleven

from "Stranger Things"?

And not cute, season 3 Eleven.

Dirty pink dress, season 1 Eleven.

Just use your best judgment.

Best judgment? Do I have that?

Katie? - In the kitchen!

- What?! - I thought we discussed

we weren't gonna have conversations in different rooms!

- What?! - I'm coming!

This is 90% of marriage.

What's the other 10%?

Wondering what life would be like if we didn't have...

...pets.

Despite the nonstop tenement-style hollering

in this house, I finished my Teen Help Line application.

That's great, honey!

Next step, rock this interview.

I think you could really benefit by helping those in need.

I know I can benefit.

This is exactly the sappy, humanitarian garbage

Harvard is looking for.

Katie!

I'm gonna go drop this off at the Teen Help Line offices now.

- Good luck. - You too.

With what?

The fact that you don't know makes me even sadder.

Oh.

What?!

Why are you calling me?

Is there another moth?

Crazy news. I just got off the phone with Stan.

He and Chloe are back together.

How is that possible?

Stan left Chloe and married that woman half his age.

Chloe hates him.

"Hated."

On his honeymoon, Stan had a stroke.

Oh, my God!

He's okay, but his new wife

annulled the marriage and left him.

I was thinking of inviting some of the guys

from the Historical Guild over to welcome him home.

Ugh. Do you know what that means?

Now that Stan is back in your life,

Chloe is back in mine.

- Honey, if you would just... - If I would just what?

Let's end it here. I don't feel safe.

01x04 - Lasagna Original air date October 18, 2019

There are a lot of jobs out there for women your age.

The dean's wife started selling this organic makeup line.

She has this cool trunk,

and she takes it to her friends' houses,

and they drink wine and put their faces on together.

How stupid is that?

I have every faith you're gonna find something

that's perfect for you.

Thank you.

So, what's the plan for tonight?

Oh, glad you asked.

When a wounded soldier returns home,

we celebrate him with a meal and a song.

Hey, Oliver. Is everything okay?

No, everything is not okay.

When I dropped off my Teen Help Line application,

I talked with all these other kids

who are a lock to get accepted.

One was an orphan, one was a refugee,

one had just come from donating a kidney to a complete stranger.

Just to screw with your life.

I know!

There's no way I'm getting in.

I haven't suffered enough.

I mean...

I suffer...

but this isn't the kind of suffering

that impresses professional do-gooders.

I don't have an angle.

I wouldn't worry about it.

If you don't get into this program,

you'll find something else that'll make you stand out.

Dad, Teen Help Line is incredibly prestigious.

If I don't get in, I can kiss Harvard goodbye.

Can we do 23andMe? Find out I'm Inuit?

Navajo?

I won't do genetic testing.

I don't want the relatives I have now.

Why would I go digging up more?

Be always at war with your vices

and at peace with your neighbors.

Hear! Hear!

We're here.

Hey, Stan!

Look who's back!

Jinx! You owe me a mead!

Good to see you, buddy. Come on in.

- Katie. - Chloe.

I have to say, I was surprised to hear that you took Stan back.

It was very big of you.

Listen, just because last year,

we had one fleeting moment of not hating each other

doesn't mean we're throwing on the jammies

and braiding each other's hair.

I mean, with our wildly different sizes,

we could make a great comedy duo, but friends?

Get real.

So relieved.

Hating you is the greatest joy of my life.

- Besides my kids. - Yeah.

Actually, it goes Anna-Kat, Taylor, hating you, Oliver.

Mm-hmm.

But I'm telling you, waterfall ice climbing

has nothing on para-hawking.

The rush you get flying next to raptors...

ooh, it is quite exhilarating.

Let me tell you, sir.

Is it?

But, of course, now I'm on my greatest adventure of all...

being back with my darling Chloe.

- Ohh. - Mm.

That's enough.

Game night, huh, gentlemen?

Yeah, we're playing Truth or Dare,

George Washington-style... all truths.

Oh.

Well, you better watch this guy, 'cause he loves to cheat!

- - One truth for Chloe!

No more ale for you, Ross!

Here it is, boys.

The lasagna Paul Revere served

at the Battle of You Guys Are Nerds.

Lasagna?

Mm. Not surprised.

It's the sweatpants of food.

And you are the adult underpants of people.

Ooh, good one.

Hey, I heard you were fired.

Figures.

Not everybody can run a company

and manage a family, like I do.

I wasn't fired. I quit.

Po-tay-to, po-tah-to.

Neither of which I eat... obviously.

You know, the sad thing for you is,

you're too poor to even enjoy all the free time you have now.

I mean, what on Earth are you doing with yourself?

I am exploring many, many avenues.

That's code for "I have nothing."

No purpose, no options, no water feature in your yard.

Sad.

You don't know anything.

She knows everything!

I have no plan, no purpose, and no koi pond.

Quick, change the subject.

The "Cats" movie looks insane, right?

I know, but, like, kind of sexy. Huh?

I mean, maybe it's just me, but rrrr!

Ew! Gross! It is just you.

Nice job, Katie! You're back on top.

Even Chloe Brown Mueller figured it out.

I'm turning 40 soon. I'm adrift.

I have no direction in life.

You're a mom. It's not like you do nothing.

I'm a mom. I do nothing.

I can't use my kids as an excuse anymore.