Anger Management

Well, guys, we made some good progress today.

And on top of that, we taught Ed how to leave

an outgoing message on his cell phone.

Let me see if I got this right.

Hi. This is Ed. Please leave a...

- Talk louder. - I'm talking loud enough.

This is boring.

Lacey, just let him do it.

Want me to make it sounds like you're at the beach?

Ca-caw, ca-caw.

Will you all just shut the hell up?

That's good enough.

All right, everybody, see you Thursday.

Hey, Charlie, I know I'm behind on my payments.

I'll have them next week.

I found this site online where you can rent out your apartment to strangers.

Nolan, is paying me really worth

leaving your apartment in the hands of some potential lunatic?

I think so.

Me, too.

If somebody else is sleeping in your house,

where are you gonna sleep?

This is not an offer.

I shouldn't have brought it up. I'll see y'all.

So where are you gonna sleep?

You know how I'm a limo driver?

I have this regular client.

A rich guy with a really nice guest house with nobody living in it.

Well, he suggested I live in my limo.

Limos are not made for living in.

They're made for flashing people right before you puke and pass out.

You can't do this, Nolan.

- Where are you gonna shower? - Not an issue.

The sub letter's only staying eight nights, so I'll be right on schedule.

I stand corrected.

And a little further back.

- Oh, hey, Jen. - Hey, Charlie.

I got great news.

I'm dating a divorce attorney.

You might recognize him from the bus stop bench up the street.

He sleeps on a bench?

No, that's where his ad is.

But you can't see it because there's usually somebody sleeping in front of it.

Well, congrats. That is great news.

And I've got even better news.

He says you owe me a crap load of money.

Jen, we go through this every two years.

I gave you everything your lawyer asked for.

You got more money to live on every month than I do.

Well, it doesn't seem that way.

You make terrible decisions and invest in terrible businesses.

Remember Share-a-keet?

Hey, there's a big market for people who don't want the burden

of caring for a parakeet full time.

Yeah, but the birds got so stressed out moving from house to house,

they tried to kill themselves by banging their heads against their little mirrors.

Look, Charlie, say whatever you want,

but my lawyer boyfriend thinks you have more money than you let on.

And you're gonna trust this guy?

I've seen his picture on that bench.

He's wearing a crown and giving a thumbs-up.

Whatever.

And by the way, that business would've worked.

I just picked the wrong animal.

- It should've been Share-a-dog. - Yeah, that would've been much better.

Hey, son, you know that puppy that you love so much?

Well, the month's up. Time to give him back to the Johnsons.

Hey, if you stop crying, I'll give you a suicidal parakeet.

S02E73 "Charlie and Sean's Twisted Sister"

Thanks for dropping me off, Sean.

I had a wonderful time last night.

Yeah, it was amazing.

I told you you'd like "Frozen."

It wasn't half bad.

I mean, you know, what I saw of it from between your legs.

See you tonight.

Oh, by the way, tonight we're sexing it up to my movie... "Reservoir Dogs."

Oh, is that about dogs

who are trying to find their way home from a reservoir?

Yeah. Yeah, it is.

One's missing an ear. It's a whole thing.

- Warden. - Hello, Jordan. ls Charlie here?

No, he's a little late.

Look, I know you're upset with him.

Damn right I am.

Charlie told everybody about a mistake I regretfully made when I was younger.

And now I'm going to make his life a living hell until I can get him fired.

What's the big deal?

You did a porn.

It humanizes you.

It's like in magazines

when celebrities are walking a dog

or pumping their own gas or...

Licking chocolate syrup off their best friend's boobs on the Internet?

Yeah.

"Wardens, they're just like us."

- Warden. - I just came by to tell you

we're stepping up security for all department heads

involved in prisoner psychology.

But that's just me.

Oh, then I guess you'll be the only one getting a cavity search every day.

Look, I understand that you're mad,

- but we can talk about... - Every day.

Bye, Warden. Thank you.

Wow, you're so up her butt,

if they gave her a cavity search, they'd find you.

Hey, can I ask you something?

Sean and I were talking last night

and the subject of maybe moving in together came up.

And a part of me, really wants to, give it a shot,

but Sean's just been a womanizer for so long, I'm not sure he can change.

Hey, I was a womanizer when I got married,

but my wife took a leap of faith with me.

And then you cheated on her

with a woman from every city in the country.

That is not true. I never slept with anybody in Pittsburgh.

But, God, that woman was hot.

Man, I am so ready for this week to be over.

Yeah, they still checking your tonsils

from the wrong end at security?

Yeah, and they just switched out the little guard with a big guard.

Man, I really miss that little guard.

Oh, and Jen and her lawyer boyfriend

- are digging around, for more money. - Damn.

You know, Jordan and I have been talking about her moving into my place.

When you and Jen were first living together,

did you ever think that it would end up like this?

No, no, no. When Jen and I moved in together,

I thought it was gonna last forever.

But this other girl I was seeing, she knew it was gonna go bad.

The other girls always know, don't they?

It's creepy.

Speaking of other girls,

do you see the hot brunette sitting behind you?

- She's been checking me out all night. - You should do it.

Oh, hey, if you really wanna turn her on,

you should talk about your ex-wife.

And her lawyer. And all the money stuff.

That's perfect.

Girls love baggage.

- Hey there. - Hi.

Can I buy you a drink? Unless you're an alcoholic.

In which case, can I buy you two drinks?

- I'm Maggie. - Charlie.

Are you with someone or can I join you?

Please, have a seat.

Just in town on business by myself.

Let me guess, professional stunt woman.

Actually, I work for Hickory Farms.

Missed it by one.

Hey, folks, there's a white Toyota Camry

blocking the service entrance.

- Crap, that's me. Excuse me. - Sure.

As long as I have your attention, uh, I'm single again,

so if there are any men here over 45,

could you please leave

so it's easier for me to see the guys here who are between 25 and 30?

Hey. How's it going with this girl?

'Cause I'm thinking of taking off.

Well, I thought it was going great

until I saw this.

"Just checking in. Did you tail him to the bar yet?

Let me know the second you dig up anything."

I'm think she's a private investigator and she's tailing me.

- Jen must've hired her. - Why would Jen do that?

She's trying to find all the money I'm hiding that I don't have.

That's why she's been staring at me all night.

I mean, I know that I'm easy on the eyes, but sometimes you gotta take a break.

Coming. Coming.

Lacey, uh, come on in.

Sorry about the mess.

I had to take a bunch of frat guys to a strip club

and I am way behind on my housework.

The guy you rented your place to is loud as hell.

He screams all night long.

Gary? Yeah, he's an actor.

He's auditioning for a role in a horror film.

I don't think he's the killer, though.

Unless he's horrified by what he's doing.

I can't sleep. I can't think. I can't do anything.

Well, you could stay here.

It's quiet and there's plenty of room.

I'm not gonna sleep in this limo with you.

- There's no privacy. - What are you talking about?

You can take the master bedroom

and I'll just sleep on the couch in the media room.

It's all the same room.

Fine, I'll stay.

Great.

Oh, and if you have any delicates,

I'm doing another load.

That's a champagne bucket.

Yeah, not until I pick up Mr. and Mrs. Feinstein tonight at 8:00.

They're going to the opera.

Dude, what is your problem, driving like that?

Hey, that is how you lose somebody who is tailing you, all right?

You cut across a church parking lot, double back in the alley

while they're sitting at a stoplight somewhere wondering what the hell happened.

She just parked down the street.

How did she find us?