Cougar Town

What the hell is that?

It's like a farm animal.

Crap!

Whoo, Cougars! Let's hear it for the Cougars!

It's OK, it's OK. I'm up.

- Whoo! Let's go! - It's over, Mom.

- OK, I know, but I get excited! - OK, here we go.

Right back there, son or boyfriend?

I don't want to be a part of judging that poor woman. It's not right.

- Son or boyfriend? - Boyfriend.

- Come on, be his mom. - Boyfriend. Get in there!

- Be his mom. Mom! Mom! - Kiss her. Kiss her.

Come on! Come on, do it! Kiss her!

Yes! Yes!

- What's the score, Travis? - Eight-nil.

Whatever!

Oh, Travis, your math teacher, Ms. Pritchett, got new boobs.

Jules, you're very, very old. Why would she do something like that?

Would you give her a break?

The dating pool is pretty limited when you get divorced at her age.

What, you mean your age?

She's, like, four months older.

OK.

The point is, all of the single guys our age are either broken, gay,

or chasing younger girls.

- It can get pretty lonely. - Oh, honey.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not gonna end up like Ms. Pritchett.

I don't think your frame could handle those.

I mean, if I thought that no one would talk about me...

Well, you see that young gentleman right there?

- I'd love to lick his body. - That's my son.

Oh.

He looks smart.

And we're moving back just a few rows.

Ladies and gentlemen, my mother.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Sweetie, you know you don't get to leave until I ask you

what I ask you every weekend. Come on. Let's go out. Let's have fun.

Can't. Got big plans.

It's Friday night. Get your butt over here for some wine and Scrabble.

I can't! I promised my husband we'd start having sex once a month

without it having to be a quickie, and the bastard actually called me on it.

- Wow, you look like a whore. - Thank you.

- Let's do this, woman. - I have to go.

My hamstring's tight, so you're gonna have to start on top.

If you want, we can switch it up once I get loose.

- You are so sexy. - Thank you. Race ya!

Hey, you want to stay in, hang out on the couch, maybe watch a movie?

- Are you hitting on me? - This wine's for Ellie.

She's been looking so hot lately,

I thought I'd get her drunk, try to hit that.

Lesbian mom jokes. Awesome.

Look, Ryan's coming to pick me up.

OK. Home by midnight, and if I ever catch you two drinking and driving,

I'm gonna show everyone that baby picture of you two

holding each other's penises.

So small.

Ryan's mom just says goodbye.

- Goodbye! - Have a great night, Mom.

I always do.

You see? It's not a walk of shame if someone does it with you.

Call me.

Hey, Grayson, you know what drives me nuts?

Is it people that start conversations

- without saying "hello?" - No.

- Is it annoying neighbors? - No.

- Is it Stone Phillips? - What?

Your wife moves out, what, a week ago?

And you're already sexing up sorority girls.

But nobody cares, because when a 40-year-old guy gets divorced,

all your friends are like, "Way to go, Tiger!"

We don't call each other "Tiger." It's always "Champ" or "Samurai."

Look, maybe what really drives you nuts

is that you couldn't bag a young stud if you tried.

- You don't think I could? - Mm-mmm.

I'm not gonna give you the satisfaction. Too bad.

Oh, to hell with it. Hey, kid!

Pow!

Ooh.

Suck it!

Cougar Town 1x01 - Pilot

I'm guessing the boy that I flashed goes to your school.

- He does. - Is he single?

Why don't you ever laugh at my jokes?

- Because they make me sad. - Oh, boo-hoo!

Oh, calm down, Travis will be fine.

Give a girl a warning. My uterus almost shot out.

- What did you do? - This is not the photo I picked.

This is from that night that we got drunk on amaretto and played dress-up.

I don't care if you fire me. I am putting you back out there.

It's time. Just listen to me for once.

I listened when you told me Dale was a loser and to stop dating him. What?

You have a giant hickey on your chest, and I can tell it's Dale's

because whoever did it has a tooth missing!

Oh, we're not talking for six minutes?

Humph!

It's been about six minutes.

Look, you've been divorced for five months and you're not having any fun.

Oh, good God!

- Hey, Barb. - And good morning to you.

The Hannigans would like to see upstairs.

Take as much time as you need. Master bedroom's on the right...

if you want to see where your thousand-year-old husband

will eventually die on top of you.

- I'm only 64. - Great acoustics, huh?

It's a lovely home.

You know what? I'm not even asking anymore.

Tonight is the night. We're going on the prowl.

No. No prowling. Look, you're young.

Me, I have to act my age.

One night out on the prowl, the next thing you know

I'm at a Jonas Brothers concert wearing a miniskirt,

sporting some giant collagen hot dog lips.

- Are you making fun of my mom? - Maybe.

I'm also saying that I just don't want to become someone that I make fun of.

Fine. Honey, we don't have to prowl.

- Let's just go get a drink. - Just a drink?

- Yes. - OK, let's do it.

Yay!

And take me someplace young and fun.

I don't wanna go somewhere filled with wrinkled geezers like Grandpa there.

- I'm right above you. - Yes, you are.

- What do you want, Bobby? - Hey, Jules.

I need this month's alimony check a little early.

- How early? - Like, now.

- Of course. - Come on, J-Bird.

Travis is at my place tonight, and I'd like to be able to, you know, feed him.

- I can't believe I married you. - Yeah, that was a bad call.

Stan! My baby's name is Stan.

He'd be Spencer if my husband's stupid father hadn't gone and died,

- like, a week before he was born. - Still a little fresh.

- You're all right. - Oh, yeah. I'm fine.

Come over tonight for wine and Scrabble without the Scrabble.

I can't, I'm, I'm with Laurie.

You know, ever since you got divorced, she's been trying to steal you from me.

No, this is a work thing.

Bye, Jules.

- Hey, thanks for dinner, Dad. - You betcha.

How's Mom doing? She talk about me at all?

Yeah.

The biggest mistake of my life, screwing that one up.

Mom's fine. She's... I mean, I wish she didn't have to say

exactly what she's thinking the second she thinks it.

Wow, you are really black.

- It's so handsome on you. - Yeah, it is.

Come on, sweetie.

- Go get 'em. - Yeah. Get...

OK, why are you standing like that?

It's a little chilly in here. Also, I never really had my twenties

so I have no idea how I'm supposed to look or act.

You said this place doesn't even get "crack-a-lacking" until 9:30,

and if I'm up after 10:00 I get really sleepy and I just... I hate you.

Say something judgmental about me, that loosens you up.

You can't wear fake nails on just one hand! You look like a crazy whore.

Well, I only had four left, and this is the hand that I smoke with.

Better? Good. Now give me 20 bucks, I'll buy you a drink.

- Unbelievable. - Thanks.

Barb. What are you doing here?

Having a glass of pinot with my friends,

trying to decide who gets to spin me like a pinwheel.

Good luck with that. I'm gonna go right over here.

Oh, God!

None got on me.

I can't believe you went to college in London.

- I always wanted to do stuff like that. - Why didn't you?

You know how it goes. I was 19, started thinking with my coochie-cooch,