Eastbound & Down

Merry Christmas.

Some say change is the hardest thing in the world.

Whoo.

They say that whoever you are,

you're stuck being that person till you're dead.

The transformation from worm to butterfly

is nature's ultimate metamorphosis.

The change into your ultimate self is easy

when there's no other option.

You look back at the past at the man you were,

and you're like, "Man, fuck that little bitch."

Fuck that bitchass life."

Then you peer into the future's mist

and get just a glance at the future you,

all strong and rich, getting your fucking come up,

and you're like, "Aw, hell yeah.

That's the motherfucking man I'm becoming.

That's the fucking man I wants to be."

'Cause a real man knows there's only one direction to face...

...and that's fucking forward.

Woo. Goddamn

Don't hog the sneeze, bro.

- Let me in there. - Get in there, motherfucker. Come on.

Oh...

Ugh. Disgusting, dude. You got your chin in it.

- What? Ah, I'm sorry, man. - Gross.

I'm still trying to figure out these dimensions.

That is a pretty bold chin.

Better be bold. Cost me 50 g's for this motherfucker.

Speaking of g's, I was wondering,

is there gonna be a Christmas bonus this year?

- Christmas bonus? - Yeah. I'm just saying,

between this chin and Maria's titties,

I can't afford Christmas gifts for my kids, unfortunately.

- You don't have any money to buy your kids gifts? - Yeah, I miscalculated.

Man, you better chill with that Bob Cratchit bullshit.

Don't be acting like you don't get paid handsomely, all right?

That shit's gonna piss me off.

Don't trip. I'm just asking. Geez.

Do I got any coke boogers up my nose?

No. Do I got any coke on my chin?

Yeah, dude. Your goddamn whole thing's covered in it.

Looks like the fucking tip of Mount Everest.

May I have everyone's attention please? Gather 'round.

Get your dicks outta your hands. Come on. Gather 'round.

Your new leader has an announcement.

Da-da-da! Make a path. Make a path.

Make a path.

Good day, everyone.

Ratings are in the shitter.

We all knew that Guy Young's racist diatribe was gonna hurt us all.

But as your new leader, I promise you

that I will turn this fucking sinking ship around

with the help of the Sesh Christmas Special.

Sound team, I'm gonna need you guys to cut together

a symphony of farts. I need it to be hilarious, OK?

Casting, I'd like you to find me an array

of young beautiful women to be my reindeer.

Wardrobes, I'd like you to create some reindeer suits

- with the titties cut out. - Hold on. What's all this shit?

Why we fucking with the formula? Guy Young did it right.

He had us doing a silly little version of "Twelve Days of Christmas".

- And that shit was dope. - It was dope? Really? Guy Young?

He's a racist, Jimmy.

Being racist, it's far from dope, dudes.

I defeated Guy Young. So that makes me the H-N-I-C.

If anybody has any problems with that,

well, you can direct your inquiries to Billy and/or Trent.

Y'all wanna fuck with two dudes wearing Wilsons Leather black fucking coats?

None of you wanna fuck with this Wilsons Leather shit.

Great. Beautiful.

I can't wait to see what we do together, all right?

This Christmas show's gonna be spectacular.

Thank you for your time. Get back to work, please.

Everyone, back to work! Back to work!

There's nothing more to see here!

You're on the clock.

Let's make this quick. My client's a busy man.

OK. On behalf of Mrs. Powers,

I have outlined a temporary arrangement

which gives April Powers access to half of the assets of the family accounts.

- - On behalf of Mr. Powers, we decline the arrangement.

Excuse me?

Jared, break 'em off something. Tell 'em what's good.

Mrs. Powers is denied access to all assets till a settlement has been reached

or the filing has been withdrawn.

- Kenny, you took all the money out of the joint account? - Nah, April.

Jared did. Motherfucker's cray.

- Can he do that? - Mr. Powers is also sole title holder

- on the family vehicles. - Nice work, Benjamin.

You better get used to walking, muchacha.

Kenny, can I talk to you outside?

Very well.

What's wrong, April?

Your little storybook divorce getting all fucked up?

- This isn't fair, Kenny. - Hmph. Oh, I know it's not fair.

My legal dream team is long-dicking you up the butt.

I'll spend every penny I have to win this divorce.

- Do you hear me? - Can't we just be adults about this?

- Think about the kids, Kenny. - Oh, I'm thinking about the kids.

I'm thinking about how I'm gonna turn 'em against you.

Wait till Christmas. Then we'll see who gets them the better presents.

I wanted to talk to you about that.

I was thinking that you could celebrate with them on the 23rd.

- The fucking 23rd? - Yeah.

You selfish little trollop.

How dare you keep those children from me on Christmas morn.

Those children are gonna be devastated.

They are so upset about so many things, Kenny.

They're upset about Dakota. They keep talking about him.

I don't understand how he got outta the garage, by the way.

Well, don't you be looking at me all accusatory.

All right? I don't know how the fuck he got outta the garage either.

- - Maybe he fucking used an ancient Navajo

- fucking wolf warp. - Kenny, please.

This is a nightmare right now. There has to be a more simple way.

- There has to be. - Well, I know a simple way.

- OK, what? - Call it off, April.

Fucking let me come back to the house and all this will go away.

You and I can just call this shit a draw.

I can't.

I want out.

Very well then.

I want you to remember that this is what you wanted.

Remember it... when I beat you.

Merry Chri-ma.

Going through a divorce is the shit, dude.

- Hey. - Aw, yeah.

Hey, lady.

I'm seeing a lot of looks out here.

- Ooh, look at her. - Kristi Yamaguchi?

Nah. Kristi Yama-gonna-fuck-you.

Ooh, yeah.

I gotta tell you, man, if I can win Christmas, April's gonna be fucked.

- So what's the move, dog? - Oh, I'll tell you the move.

I found out all the presents April's getting the kids for Christmas,

- I'm gonna get the same exact ones. Fuck her shit all up. -

Hope you saved them receipts, April. 'Cause you taking that shit back to the store.

That bitch is gonna feel dumb as hell, dog.

Goddamn, dude. Stop calling her a bitch, all right? Technically we're still married.

I mean, I don't call your wife a bitch.

OK. I have called her a bitch before, but...

Yeah, April's different. She's a white person.

Must be nice, you know,

being able to buy your kids everything they want for Christmas.

Or... or just anything at all, really.

- It is. - You know, I was thinking,

since we won't be opening gifts Christmas morning,

I'll have some extra time and maybe you could let me read your screenplay.

Look, Stevie, I appreciate the fact that you are interested in my life's story,

but you're not reading it, all right?

You think Tom Cruise or Vin Diesel goes around

letting just any Tom, Dick or Jay Leno read their fucking screenplays? No.

They don't. Chin up, Stevie.

I'm sure you'll figure out something.

Get it? Chin up.

'Cause you got a new chin.

Good morning, sir.

What the hell are you two doing loitering in this fancy hotel?

Uh, well, actually we came because we're really worried about you, Kenny.

We know that you're going through a rough patch

and just don't want you to harm yourself.

What the hell do you think I'm gonna do?

Put a gun in my mouth? Give me a fucking break.

I ain't going through a rough patch, Cassie.

What we got going on here?

One, two, three, four, five, six, infinity and beyond.

That's right. Still fucking rich as hell.

Still on TV.

Still living in the fucking presidential suite

in the middle of downtown Charlotte.

I'd say shit's going pretty good.

I meant with your marriage.

I would really like it if you would come spend Christmas with us, Kenny.

Um, I thought it might be fun to go caroling together as a family.

You can fucking catch me dead before I goddamn go caroling, all right?

That shit's for Christians and retards.

You've got lonely eyes, Kenny. I can see it.

Not lonely. Just went on a fucking coke binge last night.

- I'm tired. - OK.

While little Jack Horner over there's

sitting in the corner being a bitch.

You're not making much of an effort, Dustin.

- I'm here, ain't I? - Isn't it funny?

This played out exactly how I said it would.

You're gonna change your heart. You're gonna wanna come back to me

and by that time I'm gonna be rich and famous, you little Christmas star fucker.

See? What'd I tell you. Rich or poor, Kenny,

you're still an asshole.

Whatevs.

Merry fucking Christmas, Cassie.

Merry fucking Christmas.

OK, everybody. We're going to do a half speed rehearsal

with the necessary adjustments. You've been fucking up all day.

And you're not that pretty. You are not that pretty.

- So you need to dance harder. - Hey yo.

- Why we gotta sit way the fuck back here? - And cue the music.

Aw, yeah. Y'all know what it is.

It's time for another Sports Sesh.

And now, your host, Kenny Powers.