All in the Family

Archie. Yeah, Edith.

Did you kill that spider in the bathtub?

No, but he's gonna walk funny the rest of his life.

Look at that. Not a wrinkle on the guy.

You ain't gonna wear your sweater to Gloria's house.

What are you talkin' about? Why not?

Well, this is Thanksgivin' dinner.

You're gonna wear your best suit.

The turkey ain't gonna know the difference, Edith.

Archie... Edith, when I get dressed, I am dressed.

Oh, no, you're gonna look...

I don't believe what's happenin' here.

What are you doin'? Edith!

This is a new high in low.

You're wearing your nice new dark blue suit.

What do you mean my dark blue suit?

I'm goin' over there to eat, not to get buried.

Oh, please.

Aw, jeez, goin' over there,

gettin' dressed up just to eat with the daughter.

Many's the time she ate with us wearin' nothin' but a diaper.

Well, it won't hurt you to get dressed up once a year.

Oh, look, you're puttin' a tie around me, too.

What do I need a tie for?

The only thing I ever see around the Meathead's neck is a napkin.

Oh, Archie,

this is the first Thanksgivin' dinner Gloria ever cooked,

and it's very important to her. I know. All right.

All right, important...

Get out of here, will you? Get yourself dressed.

Oh, yeah. Archie, I can't decide between these two dresses.

Which one do you think I should wear?

Aw, jeez, Edith. Whichever.

Maybe I should wear my yellow and red dress.

Yeah. Wear the yellow and red one, Edith.

Oh, but I ain't got no shoes to go with the yellow and red one.

I'd kill the yellow and red one, Edith.

Oh, I was hopin' you'd pick the black and white one.

All right, Edith. Goin' away, you look like the back end of a zebra,

but wear it.

Do you really like this dress?

Yes, Edith, I really like that dress.

Oh, you ain't just sayin' that to make me feel good?

No, I wouldn't say nothin' to make you feel good.

All right, I'll wear this one. Swell.

Oh, but if you really like the red and yellow one... Aw!

Oh, oh, uh, I could wear my green shoes with it,

because green goes with red and yellow, don't it?

Yeah, if you want to look like a traffic light.

Help me decide.

Don't ask me!

I don't know nothin' about colors.

That ain't no business of mine.

Oh, all right. What the hell do I look like, an inferior decorator?

I'll wear the red and yellow one.

Uh, oh... But what about my green shoes?

Go barefoot in a bathin' suit for all I care.

The whole thing is ridiculous gettin' dressed up to go over there.

Who's gonna see me crossin' the alley, a couple of cats?

Archie, it ain't easy for Gloria to cook this dinner for us in her eighth month,

and all that runnin' and shoppin' and everythin'. Oh, all right. Yeah.

And, Archie, this is her first Thanksgiving in her own home.

All right. All right. I'm gettin' dressed up for you, ain't I?

Yeah. You look so nice.

I just put the Aqua Velva on. Don't go lickin' it off.

Oh, Archie, you know what? What?

I think I'll wear my green dress,

'cause the green shoes go better with the green dress.

Too much green makes people throw up, you know.

Oh, I can't wear this. It's all wrinkled.

I got a great idea for you, Edith. What?

Put a raisin in your bellybutton and go as a cookie.

Come on.

And then you fold the clams into the sour cream.

But if you like a lot of clams,

you could fold the clams...

The sour cream into the clams.

I don't know why I'm makin' this.

My dog Buster doesn't even like clam dip.

And that's the truth.

Who is that? The father of your baby.

Hey, George.

Hey, the baby kicked.

Yeah. Gee, I... I wonder if I can hear him.

Oh, don't look, Edith.

Dad!

What the hell is he doin'?

He's listening to the baby.

What's the baby gonna tell him at this age?

When am I gonna see you doin' somethin' that gives me a lift?

Happy Thanksgiving.

Oh, hi, Ma. Happy Thanksgiving.

Now, this is some apple and this is pumpkin.

Oh, that's great. Oh, Ma.

Hey, the two of you look terrific.

Gee, you didn't have to get all dressed up, Archie.

Yes, I did. She forced me.

Why, you look handsome, Daddy.

All right. Here, for you. They come back to us tomorrow.

Grandma Bunker's silver candle stands.

Because this is a very special occasion.

Oh, thanks, Ma. I promise to take good care of 'em.

Here, honey. Everybody get out of my kitchen.

Dinner will be ready soon. Yeah, yeah, well, let's go.

Can I help you, Gloria?

No, Ma, I got it all under control.

Oh, it smells so good. ARCHIE: All right.

Oh, ain't this beautiful? Okay.

Yeah, we're having buffet.

I thought we was having turkey.

Hey, Arch, why don't you try some of this clam dip?

Uh, no, no, no, I better stick to jam.

You got any of that?

Come on, Arch. Try some of the cauliflower.

Cauliflower ain't cooked.

He's a goat.

Wouldn't it be wonderful if the baby got here by Christmas?

Yeah. Hey, I'd like to see him sooner.

Hey, maybe you could spring him early for good behavior, huh?

Daddy, your cigar's stinkin' up the house.

Oh, come on.

Oh, I can't wait to take her to the zoo

and put her on the pony ride.

And maybe on Sundays I could take her to church.

Uh, well, you could take him to the park, Ma.

After church?

Uh, no, no. Instead of.

Oh.

What do you mean the park?

Who is the kid gonna say prayers in the park to, a water fountain?

Why not? As far as I'm concerned

it makes as much sense than any other kind of prayers.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute there.

Just because you're an atheist, you know,

don't mean that my grandchild's got to be gypped out of his religion.

That's right. Mike, children ought to go to church when they're little,

'cause when they get older,

they're havin' too much fun to be religious.

Ma, we've decided to try not to influence our child on religion

'cause, you know, first we wanna let him make up his own mind.

Whoa, ho, ho, ho. Now, that's where you are 100% wrong-o, little girl.

The parents got to influence their kids' minds, is when they're young.

Got to teach him to learn the right things, see.

To be scared of God, to love the dear old USA,

to defend American shores in all foreign countries.

Is there anything else he should know?

Sure. There's a lot of other little things.

To use his dukes right.

To walk fast through the Puerto Rican neighborhood.

Arch, I think you're forgettin' to teach him the most important thing.

Yeah. What? To never listen to his grandfather.

Why don't you go take a high dive into the clam drip?

Now, now, little girl. Now, let me, let me... Aw. Give me that.

All right. Do-Do-Don't flush it out over here.

All right. Easy on that.

Now, h-h-how far along are you now?

Eight months. All right.

Now, how long you've been livin' over here in the toilet house?

Daddy! How long?

Six months. All right. You've proved my point, see.

The baby got started over there in our house.

That's a good God-fearin' Protestant house,

so that makes him a Christian, ipso fatso.

Suppose the kid were created in a parking lot outside of McDonald's.

What would that make him, an ipso fatso hamburger?

In a parking lot? You dirty guy, you.

Hey, as a matter of fact,

our baby was conceived in Leo and Mariam's bungalow.

Hey, they're Jewish, so according to Daddy,

we're gonna have to send him to Hebrew school.

Come on. Yeah, that's a great idea.

Lots of famous people turned Jewish. Elizabeth Taylor.

Oh, that dame would do anything to drive the world crazy.

Sammy Davis.

And he'd do anything for laughs.

You just do what I tell you, little girl.

Daddy, it is up to Michael and me,

and we've decided to let our own child make up his own mind about religion.

That's tellin' him, fat lady.

Thank you, honey. I better go baste the turkey...

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Stay here.

Oh, no, Gloria. I'll baste the turkey.

Uh, thanks, Ma.

Listen. Listen. I'm warning youse two. You mend your ways,

or one of these days you're gonna be chased around by a lot of little red devils

with pitch forks who wanna baste you.

What is all this about bein' afraid of God?

I was taught in Sunday school that God loves everybody.

Oh, he does, unless you rub him the wrong way.

You do that, he sends down plagues after you,

like he done with them ancient Egyptian kings, the Ferryos.

God has got one hell of a temper.

He could hit you with an earthquake or one of them famous floods.

Yeah. That flood wiped out a lot of innocent people.