The Last Showgirl

What's your name?

- Shelly Gardner. - Just need the first.

Oh, sorry.

How tall are you?

5'7".

Age?

Oh, a gentleman never asks a lady her age.

Thirty-six.

Sorry, I lied. I'm 42.

But this house is huge. I mean, distance helps.

- Ah. - Oh, gosh, I'm sorry. I'm so nervous.

I've been on Le Razzle Dazzle for so very long, and...

Oh, I just haven't auditioned in a while.

- But it's exciting. - Yeah.

You-you have an act prepared?

I do. I'm a dancer.

Music?

Yeah.

I gave it to the maestro.

Okay.

Okay.

Did someone raid a cemetery for this fuckin' audience?

Oh! Oh, shit!

- Go, go. - Did that just rip?

- Go, go, go, go. Come on. - Shit!

When did they install that new door handle?

Three months ago.

That thing is asking for ripped costumes.

- Are you sure? Is it really ripped? - Yeah, it's ripped.

I have, like, 20/20 vision.

Well, good for fuckin' you, Jodie.

- I see you warm up every single night. Okay. - No. I don't--

Yeah, bye.

- That's... - Wow.

- I caught my wing on that door handle. - - It's a trap.

They're so desperate for money, they're tryin' to squeeze it back out of us.

Paranoid.

Oh, God, you know what? They have to change that.

I mean, look at this gaping hole.

Okay, let's keep it movin', Shelly.

I will. I just-- Look at that.

Oh, gosh.

- I mean, I love that darn wing. - Aww.

You know, of all the wings in the entire show,

that's the oldest wing.

Ida is gonna kill me.

Oh, whatever. That old Russian bitch has hated me for, like, nine years.

Because you keep losing rhinestones and feathers.

Oh, well, I'm not tryin' to be a klutz out there. Jesus.

I'm try-- I'm fuckin' dancing.

Like, what am I supposed to do? I am dancing.

It's just so disappointing, you know.

Lemons, and now this.

- Lemons? - Well...

they've just recently been so expensive.

Clip-ons, Shelly. Clip-ons?

- Okay, can you please put them on? - Okay, I will. I am.

I mean, gosh, they're 89 cents apiece.

You know, lemons are not even really food, you know,

they're like a garnish. They're more like herbs.

- They're like accessories. - Who needs lemons?

- Let's go. - Okay, okay, okay.

Let's go.

The music's about to change.

Well, I'm buying some nice salmon steaks for dinner

- because I'm entertaining tomorrow evening. - Music's changing.

I got this beautiful salmon steak idea

from I-Ina Garten's cookbook

which has beautiful lemon slices on the salmon.

Ooh, sorry.

All right. So, I need them. I need the lemons.

Shell, you've got the wrong clip-ons.

Oh, my God.

I mean, when did they put that door handle on anyway?

- Like, two weeks ago? - It was, like, three months ago.

Oh, my God, I keep forgetting that it's there.

Well, yeah, because you're old.

I mean, I'm older. I'm not that old.

Okay, come on. Come on.

Let's go!

Come on!

- Fuck you, door handle. - If I could go back in time, you know,

and see the door handle and say, "Oh...

- You ladies mind moving a little faster? - ...this is a terrible time..."

Everyone else is out there.

You're the only ones acting like you're at fuckin' brunch.

Oh! Like anyone gives a flying shit, Eddie. What are there, 12 people?

Excuse me. No one gives a shit? I do. I give a shit.

It's my job to get you onstage.

Have we ever not made it on the stage, Eddie?

- Shell! - Come on. Go.

Cue 453, go.

So, who's the guy?

Rick. He saw me leaving the parking lot.

A stage-door Johnny situation, huh?

- Paging stage-door Johnny! Aisle four!

- No, he recognized me in the parking lot. - Uh-huh.

Does he think you're a escort on the side?

Annette, no.

What? Guys think that.

Well, they do.

- Well, Rick is nice. He likes me. He doesn't think that.

- Please scan your item again.

Please scan your item again.

Well, it's-it's on there. It's right there.

- Wait, wait. - Please scan your item again.

- No, it's telling you to scan it again. - What?

Please scan your item again.

Put it in the bag.

Please scan your item again.

- Oh, no. - What?

Oh. Pbbt.

"Have to cancel tonight. Workin' late.

Yeah, rain check. Sorry."

You wanna return the fish?

No, it's okay.

Shit.

Ugh.

She's open.

Okay.

But then I won!

So, what the fuck does it matter if I previously lost, you know?

Oh, really? You're gonna have an orange right before dinner?

Well, there's only enough fish for, like, two people, Annette.

I'm tryin' to get it where I can.

Oh, gosh, I'm sorry, guys.

A little impromptu soiree.

But I got enough. Men like to be fed.

- Shelly, who is this guy anyway?

Oh, Rick the Dick!

I bet you he was married.

Well, he was divorced. Didn't have a ring.

Uh-huh. Did you check his pockets?

- He liked me. - Uh-huh.

- That's why we're eating his fish. - He--

Look, girls, you don't have to worry about me.

I am a very lucky person.

I mean, I am. I have luck. It's in me.

You know what I mean? I mean, it's in me.

- Not everybody has that. - Sure.

You gonna save your winnings for when you retire?

What the fuck?

Retire?

Are you crazy? Like, bankers retire. I--

What do you think, I have a 501(k)?

No, I'm not gonna retire.

I'm not gonna retire. I'm gonna work.

And then I'm gonna work some more, and then I'm gonna die.

I'll probably die in my uniform. That's my plan.

You don't wanna retire?

You-you know, it's not an option, Jodie.

Yeah, isn't it like a requirement?

No.

Esme Rodriguez is 83. She is still cocktailing.

- Oh, my God, she's 83? - 83.

I know because I was invited to the party.

I didn't go 'cause I don't like soft foods.

Well, I can't wait to retire.

You're 19.

It just seems like-- I don't know,

it's such a wonderful time in life. I don't-- I don't know.

I just think it seems fun.

You know, learning new things.

Maybe taking up a new language.

No, you can't learn

a new language that late in life.

Your brain doesn't work that way.

Well, I wanna learn French. I love languages.

- I can say "Je m'appelle Jodie." - That's good.

I know how to say "My name is Jodie" in five different languages, including English.

But that's like the most useless phrase, though.

- You could just point at yourself and say "Jodie." - Useless? Are you kidding?

Shelly, let's learn French together.

No, no. Je m'appelle Shelly.

Hey, guys, you know what?

I like my life, right?

I like it. I like my job.

I mean, most people don't like playing grab-ass

with a bunch of coked-up gamblers at 10:00 a.m., but--

- But you are one, so... - But I don't mind it.

- They amuse me. That's right. They amuse me. - Mmm.

And then I can go drink and gamble on my own time.

- Annette is a bon vivant. - Oh, French.

- Who's that? - Oh, it's Eddie.

- Wait, what? - What?

Wait, that is gonna be so weird.

Eddie is coming here?

Jodie, what were you thinking?

Well, no, it's not-- It's-- He's like-- he's like our dad.

He is not like our dad. He's seen our boobs, like, a thousand times.

Have you never heard of an impromptu girls' night?

- When was the last time you saw Eddie anyway? - - Oh, no, no, no.

I haven't seen Eddie since I left the show, and I have not missed him.

Well, that's not nice. I feel like we're all kind of like a big family.

Okay, well, if this is a family, it's pretty fucked up. We're tits out all the time.

No, like, like, you're our mom, and...

Wait, you're-you're tryin' to make Shelly your mom

- and Eddie your dad? - Ugh.

- I mean, I feel like this is a family.

- What? Okay. Well, you know what, girls? - A family.