Community

Good mood, bad rhyme,

and is that a carb on your plate?

I got a "B" on my Nutrition final,

and I am celebrating with pie and a dollop of whipped irony.

Nice. I'm knitting something for my new cat.

It's been two weeks since I lost Suzie B.,

so I figured it was time to move on.

Not being an animal lover, I assume it'll be nice

to start over with a fresh kitten.

Fresh kitten? I go to a shelter

and rescue an animal that genuinely needs my help.

Okay?

Why do you think I am knitting a tiny, little eye patch?

Excuse me. Hi.

We're in High School,

but we're here taking some classes for college credit.

Well, all right. Way to be go-getters.

Thanks.

So we were... we were just wondering...

Can you tell us exactly what you did

in your lives to end up here

so that we don't make the same mistakes?

Because if I end up 35

and celebrating a "B"

in Nutrition in community college,

I'll kill myself.

- Watch it. - Yeah, watch it.

Or what, Schmitty?

Schmitty!

You gonna knit me something sad

in your house full of cats with no furniture?

Listen, it is a studio apartment,

and knitting is hip.

Winona Ryder knits.

Who?

- Schmitty! - Schmitty.

- Schmits! - Schmitty.

I have done things with my life.

Awesome things.

I've been to 14 countries.

I helped build a school in Kenya.

I once met Sting at a Cracker Barrel.

Why are you letting a bunch of teenagers get to you?

I don't even remember what they said.

It just rolled off my back...

Would you stop tuning that guitar?

You are 105 years old!

Tell me exactly what you did with your life to end up here

so I don't make the same mistakes!

Excuse me!

But it's springtime, and I thought

I might woo a few chicks.

Hey, hey, hey.

What the... hey!

Hey! What?

What the hell?

Sorry.

Animal House.

A reference my ears applaud.

I couldn't resist.

Smashing the guitar of someone

singing a cloying love song

was on my quintessential college experience list.

- Your what? - It's a list of everything

that movies have taught me

comprises a successful first year at college.

Bond with a group of loveable misfits.

- Check. - Take on the school bully.

- Check. - Make out with the hottest girl

- on campus. - Check-a-rooni.

Unfortunately, the school year's almost over,

and there's a bunch of stuff left on the list.

Well, I'll help you finish it.

I'll be like your Morgan Freeman.

Like in The Bucket List .

The what?

Stand up for a second.

Uh, over here.

Stand there. Okay, turn around.

- -

- - What the hell?

Pantsing someone was on my list.

It would have been better if you were wearing

the standard giant hearts on underwear, but I'll take it.

Oh, yeah?

Well, I hope getting pantsed

is on your list.

Ha-ha!

It is.

What's so funny?

This!

Oh! Um.

Get it?

- Finally. - No.

Pierce, Shirley is way too angry to talk to you right now.

Yeah, you'll have to apologize later.

Apologize? For what?

She... she should apologize to me.

She ruined my joke.

Oh, my God.

There's a grandpa schlip-schlap.

"Have you seen my Schmitty, Sonny?"

"Help me. I'm gonna crap my pants."

- "Someone help me." - Oh!

Seriously, Nutrition,

this is your life?

Actually, I was a lawyer.

Looks like that went well.

And now you hang out

With schlip-schlap and schlap-skank.

Oh, my God, is she wearing a discman?

How could you do this to me?

What? Discmans are retro.

Oh, is retro when you're 30

and broke and can't afford an iPod, Schmitty?

Oh, bug-a-bah.

I think Schmitty means loser.

Both: We know!

You may come back in now.

I have something to say.

This better be a good apology.

This has been a long time coming,

and we have all joked around and rolled our eyes at him,

but there has been a transgression today,

and I will no longer continue

to be a part of the group with this man.

Just skip to the "I'm sorry."

You are pathological, and you will never change.

Huh. That is the pot calling the kettle...

a kettle, okay.

Oh, you can say black, Pierce.

I'm a black woman. The cat is out the bag.

You have literally identified me

to strangers as "the black woman."

Out of context.

Context is everything.

I call the other women "flat-butt"

and "the one Abed wants to nail."

So what's the context

for constantly referring to me as a lesbian?

If the wallet chain fits.

I'm just trying to help you find yourself.

At least he doesn't think that Shirley's my mom anymore.

He thinks that we're cousins.

You're not?

He still assumes I'm a terrorist.

If you're not, I'm sorry.

And if you are, I'm a hero.

I'm willing to take that chance.

You said I have a crafty, Jew brain.

Nobody knows how to take a compliment anymore.

Look, either he leaves the group,

or I do.

You just dug your own grave.

Hey. What's up?

They kicked me out of the group.

Damn. Want to buy some cookies?

Ten bucks a box. Oh, crap!

Have you seen a Chinese kid?

Twerps.

Oh, hey, Pierce. How's it going?

- Unrepentant child. - Such a child.

Ooh, here comes stinky turd face.

Remember, we don't stop till he's crying.

Oh, check out franken-mom.

Ooh, use that. No wedding ring.

He's a child of divorce.

We can make fun of him for coming from a broken home.

I don't care if this gets dirty.

He asked for it.

You're right.

Get ready to meet Jeff Winger, esquire,

Attorney at "ah, snap."

It'll be better than that.

Hey, Clearasil,

What time your mommy's picking you up?

After she's done shooting

The Real Housewives of Greendale County ?

"After she's done shooting

The Real Housewives of Greendale County ."

Duh!

That's a clever retort.

"That's a clever retort." Duh.

- Brilliant. - "Brilliant." Duh.

Your parents are divorced.

Both: Oh, "your parents are divorced."

All: Duh!

all: duh!

Schmitty.

Forget it. Come on.

Come on. Forget that...

- Duh! - Where you going, Schmitty?

- Duh! - I'm sorry, little Schmitty.

- Mimicry is the lowest form... - Stop talking.

Stop talking. Duh!

- Hey, you two. -

What is that?

Billy. City college's mascot.