Marc Maron: Too Real

All right.

I can't take it.

I don't know what he's gonna do next.

People that voted for him,

they don't know what he's gonna do next.

But they have a different tone. I'm like, "I don't know what he's gonna do next."

But I think they're like, "I don't know what he's gonna do next, man!

This is crazy!"

"Then why'd you vote for him?" "Hey, shut the fuck up."

Yeah. Yeah, that's what he ran on, so, that makes sense.

I mean, I'm afraid of my phone.

I'm afraid of my phone.

I can't check the news.

I'm terrified to refresh the news browser on my phone.

You wake up, you're like, "Do I have coffee first, or do I...

Should I check it now?

I don't know what he did while I was sleeping."

And there's a nervousness, you know? Like, it's terrifying.

Because you know it's not gonna be good. It's not.

You're not gonna do it and be like, "Okay. Great." It's not gonna happen.

And I couldn't figure out what was that feeling that I was experiencing

every time I refreshed the news browser on my phone.

And it must be akin to an abusive stepfather kicking your bedroom door in

just to go, boom, "I'm burning the house down!"

And then he walks out and shuts the door behind him.

And you're sitting there with your phone going:

"I should go, right?

Where can I go?"

And it's just crazy, you know? The people he's appointing are crazy.

It's gotten to a point where I can say things to you

that would never make sense previous...

But now you'd be like, "All right." Like, I could walk up to you, be like:

"Hey, man. Did you hear they're making the Grand Canyon a landfill?"

"What?" "Yeah.

Yeah, they're doing that."

"Yeah, I guess that makes sense, I guess.

But what's their logic?"

"How many times you gotta see that thing?

They're just gonna do half of it, and the other half you can still see.

But I bet people go see the garbage, too,

because that's a lot of garbage.

It's gonna be a double thing now."

"Yeah, I could see why they would do that."

"It's okay to hunt at zoos now."

"What?"

"Yeah, the new EPA guy, I don't know.

I guess it's okay."

You're like, "Oh. Right. I guess that makes sense with their logic, I guess.

It's gonna be a whole different thing for the kids now, I guess, so...

But a lot of those animals are almost extinct anyway.

Might as well just get it over with, you know?"

Extinction's sort of a proactive term with these guys.

Some things you never thought you'd say, like, "Wow, these Nazis are annoying.

Did I just say that? Is this real life? Did I say that?"

And now, like, you know,

people you know for years are coming out as Trump voters.

Because they were hedging their bets for a while.

Now they're like, "I think it's okay to admit it to my friends."

People you've known forever, they're like, "I voted for him."

Then that first thought is like, "Well, now I've got a decision to make.

What the fuck do I do with you now?

Why'd you do that? Why'd you do that to everybody?"

"Well, come on. You knew I was a Republican.

I just voted party line. You know, both of them were bad.

I wasn't gonna vote for her. She was a crook."

"Was she a crook?

Or was she just a nice older lady that didn't understand her phone?"

I've got two e-mail accounts on my phone.

I screw up sometimes.

There's no international consequence.

Just usually me going like, "Oh, shit.

Now that idiot has my real e-mail address."

I'm gonna be hearing from him more than I want to be.

I try to have a conversation with these people,

because I know them, and I don't want this polarization.

At some point, we're gonna have to bridge it.

So, I'm like, "I don't get... Just explain to me, really. What... I mean, what...

How are we gonna communicate now?"

He's like, "Come on, man. We're all Americans."

And I'm like, "No.

Not enough. Not gonna be enough."

"Well, come on, you know,

like everyone loves Tom Petty and burritos."

"Yeah, that's true,

but I don't think Petty is enough to bridge this gap.

I just don't think that he has that power at this juncture."

They're like, "Well, we just don't talk about politics."

I'm like:

"Here's what bugs me, man:

There are people that had to climb out of their hate holes to vote for this guy.

They'd never voted before.

They had to figure out where to vote, and how to do it.

They had to take time away from hating, which was hard for some of them...

and vote for this guy, and now you're aligned with them.

You're on the same side as them. You're part of that."

And they're like, "Well, I bet you that guy likes Petty.

I mean, I think if you...

Seriously, man. If you just talked to him, stayed away from politics.

They're just people, man."

And I'm like, "Well, what? You mean I've gotta go to Chipotle with that guy?

Sit there and be like, 'Wow, you prefer the bowl over the burrito?

Hmm. Interesting.'"

"Yeah, I like the bowl."

"Oh, yeah."

"Yeah, Tom Petty? You like Petty?" "Aw, I fucking love Petty."

"Oh, that's cool. That's cool."

"I hate Jews, though. I hate Jews."

Yeah, it's going south quick.

I, uh...

"You know, maybe we shouldn't talk about politics."

As if that's politics.

I don't know, man. Look, I will admit...

If this guy does anything good, I'll admit it.

I'm not saying he's gonna be good for people that didn't vote for him.

And it's still okay to say that in this country. I did not vote for him.

But for us, it's not gonna be good.

It's always gonna be horrible.

We're not gonna one day wake up in the next three and a half years

and go like, "Holy shit. This turned around."

It's not gonna... It's not...

We're just gonna have to eat that.

We have to suck that up and fight the fight we can.

But it's not gonna be good. But...

if he does anything good, I'll admit it.

That said, if it's much worse than we ever anticipated,

which is really fucking bad...

people that voted for him are gonna have to apologize.

That's all. They've just gotta apologize.

I'm just gonna need a little eye contact.

Look.

Look, even if we only have eight minutes before the missiles hit,

I'm gonna need a little eye contact, and a few words.

Even if it's like, "Oh, man! I didn't think he'd do this!

This is crazy, bro!

Sorry!

Petty rules though, right? Fucking Petty."

Cue "Free Falling."

And look, you know, the sad part is...

It's not sad, but it's that if you're like-minded as I am,

no one's got our backs in government. That's hard.

Now we've gotta have each other's backs,

and, you know, we should do that anyways,

but now you might have to step up in public.

Because one thing the popular vote means

is that there's no social mandate on being a douche bag in public.

So, it might be on you to say things like this sometimes:

"Hey, you know, it's still not okay to do that."

You might have to find courage. I don't always have courage.

I'm not the most courageous guy. I'm sort of an alpha pussy.

Um...

Yeah, we exist. We exist, yeah.

There's the classic alpha male,

just the meathead, rage-filled, like:

And then there's the alpha pussy who makes fun of that guy.

You're like, "That guy's a douche bag." "Why don't you say it to his face?"

"Because I'm saying it to you.

This is our hierarchy. That's theirs.

This is how that works."

I don't know how much time I have left.

Not in this set, in life.

I don't know how much time I have left.

I'm not sick, I'm not dying. But I don't know.

I'm at that point where you hit... You get... I'm, like, 53,

and you start to wonder, how much time do I got left?

And it's playing into my decision-making process.

If my girlfriend wants to watch a movie I don't want to,

I'm like, "No, I don't want to die during that. I don't want to...

I'd hate that to be the time. Let's make a better choice.

I think we can make a better choice."

If someone comes up to me like, "Oh, man, you don't listen to Phish?

You gotta listen to Phish."

"I don't know how much time I've got left. I really, you know..."

And what if I like it? That's like the rest of my life, right?

I've got no more room in my heart or my mind for another jam band, man.

I mean, I've got half the Grateful Dead catalog in there,

and three or four Allman Brothers songs.

I'm maxed out. I'm filled up."

And if you're ever asking me this question:

"Have you seen that documentary with... "

Stop right there. I don't know how much time I got left.

There's too many documentaries. Let's slow down on the documentaries.

We're all loaded up. We've got enough for now.

I'm not trying to discourage anyone. There are some good ones.

But there are some bad ones.

Sometimes I think documentary filmmaking's just a Hail Mary pass

for someone almost giving up on the medium.

I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings,

but just because you have an iPhone and your cat is sick

doesn't make you a genius.

"I'm gonna call it One Out of Nine.

It's about my cat dying,

but it's also about me accepting failure.

I think this is much better than the one I made about my dad's struggle

to buy pants in an unfamiliar store."

I just don't know how much time I have left.

And I don't think I'm afraid to die.

I'd prefer it happens quickly.

Like the transition, I just want it to be like:

I'd like my last words to be something like, "Wait, what?"

That'd be preferable.