The Ranch

Damn it.

Boots are all dirty.

Now what am I gonna wear out?

Well, that's what you get for only having one pair.

You always need four pairs of boots, Colt.

One pair of working boots,

one pair of drinking boots, two pair for knocking boots.

The only reason you'd need two pair of knocking boots

is if you're doing it outside on all fours.

No, man.

You need 'em for when you gotta jump out of the window

and leave a pair behind.

If you think you might get caught,

why don't you just leave the first pair

of boots outside the window?

Damn, Colt, you just changed the game.

Man, Dad was being a real hard-ass today, huh?

Yep.

I heard him utter every curse word known to man,

but I ain't never heard him take John Deere's name in vain.

He's just pissed 'cause Mom didn't wanna move in.

I haven't seen him that mad since

Obama released his birth certificate.

Wait, what the hell's the deal with Mom and Dad, man?

I... You know, they seem like they're getting along so well.

Yeah, I've seen this over and over.

Mom and Dad are like Brooks & Dunn, you know?

They get back together every few years,

and every time they do, it just gets worse and worse.

- Oh, hey, Dad. - Hey, Pop.

How far did you get with the fence?

Uh, we got to the west creek.

Both of you,

all day, got to the west creek?

There any chance you're saying that

'cause you're just so impressed?

Closed the gate on the way out?

Yeah.

Yeah, we closed it. I remember it, 'cause I said,

"It's awfully windy out,

make sure that gate's closed tight, Rooster."

Oh, yeah, that's right.

And then I closed it and I said,

"Hey, Colt, make sure you go lock that gate."

And then you said to me,

"Oh, man, I'm Colt Bennett.

I don't gotta make sure of nothing."

And then you were like,

"Man, Dad's a real jerk, ain't he?"

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

And then I said, "Just kidding.

'Cause Dad is not only my father,

he's my best friend."

But, Dad, you know what, I'm gonna go

check on that gate on Colt's behalf.

Oh, no.

You boys relax.

You've had a long day.

I'll go check on it.

And when I get back,

I'll give each of you a nice foot massage.

I know he's kidding...

but I bet them strong hands could work wonders.

Where are you goin'?

Go help Dad.

You might wanna leave

an extra pair of boots outside the barn.

Yeah, I'll come help.

Son of a bitch!

I've missed 15 years,

I can miss one more night.

- Hey, Hank. Mom. - Colt.

Hey.

How's, uh, life in the Airstream?

Oh, it's good.

Though, ever since I heard what you and Heather did in there,

I haven't been able to eat off my kitchen table.

If that's the case,

you might not want to eat off this bar.

Seriously though, you doing okay?

Yeah, I'm good.

I'm more concerned about your father.

How's he holding up?

Today he told me I make terrible coffee...

told me I can't bale hay for shit...

then he went on a one-hour rant about how

they don't make dirt like they used to.

Look, I'm sorry if what's going on with your father and I

has made life harder for you.

Hey, who am I to be mad?

You came home, stirred shit up, and left.

That's a move right out

of the Colt Bennett Playbook.

- Hey, Colt. - Mmm. Hey, Ab.

Hey, Mrs. Bennett.

Hey, darlin'.

I got you a little something for your trailer.

Kind of a re-housewarming gift.

Oh.

Really?

I think I warmed it up pretty good with that fire.

I got it, it's too soon. I'm sorry.

Well, isn't that sweet.

And it's sharp and spiky.

I think I'll put it on my kitchen table.

You just love gifts, don't you?

What're you talking about?

You give my mom a housewarming gift,

you tell me to get Heather a gift,

which gifted me the greatest gift of all...

a girlfriend.

Aw, that's cute.

You guys gonna hold hands

when you pick her up from junior high?

I ain't dating someone from junior high.

She's kidding, Hank.

I'm not here to judge.

I'm telling you, things were going great.

Now she's in my phone as "Heather"

with two heart emojis.

She used to be in my phone as "Hannah?"

Colt, when is the last time

you were in a real relationship?

Oh, you know what,

I was in a serious relationship

with this girl named Jessie.

- Oh. - And on our first anniversary,

her husband walked in on us.

Should have left a pair of boots outside the window.

What?

Ah... Nothing.

I guess, uh, you set the bar pretty high, girl.

Well, that's very sweet. It's also very true.

I was your last serious girlfriend?

Well, who are you to be giving

relationship advice anyway?

You only been with Kenny.

No! I dated lots of people.

I went out with Steve Williger.

- You... Steve Williger? - What? Yeah.

That guy wore a Star Wars T-shirt every single day!

"Fashion sense, I have none."

All right, you can keep going, dating a cavalcade of women, or...

- Stop. - It means a parade.

Thank you.

Or you could commit to a relationship

and see what it's like to be an adult.

All right, so, you're telling me

that you think I should commit to a woman

that you think I'm immature for dating?

I'm not talking about Heather specifically.

I'm talking about the fact that you're a 34-year-old man

who hasn't had a serious girlfriend since he was 18.

Yeah.

You know what? You're right. I need to grow up.

I'm gonna text Heather to tell her that I'm gonna break up with her.

Oh, my God! No, you cannot break up with her over text.

True, true, that could get messy.

I'll just wait for her to text me

and then write back, "New phone. Who dis?"

All right.

If you insist on doing it this way,

at least let me write the text

so you don't seem like a total asshole.

Well, that seems like the easy way out. Here you go.

But make sure you misspell some words so she believes it's me.

- "Heather, it's been great seeing you..." - Oh, oh,

spell "great" G-R-8.

"But now is not a good time for me."

- Yeah. - "You're a real special girl

and I know you'll find someone great."

- G-R-8. - G-R-8, yeah. I got it. Gotcha.

- Okay. - Yeah.

That's perfect.

I should let you break up with all my girlfriends.

- Send that. - Yep.

- Bingo. - Yes!

"Heather, I'm coming over.

There's something I need to tell you in person."

Oh, what the hell?

Welcome to adulthood.

Where are you going? Hey, come back here!

New phone. Who dis?

Thanks for coming on such short notice, Dale.

Good to see you.

It's never good to see me, Beau.

The last three times, it was a cow in labor,

a bull insemination, and Carol Palmer's wedding.

All of which took three hours longer than they should have.

Hey, Doc, how's your daughter doin'?

As far as you're concerned, she's a lesbian.

She sure wasn't in high school.

So, what's going on with the calf, Dale?

Damn it, Dale, I said

what's going on with the calf?

Why are you shouting at me?

Because you need a hearing aid, old man.

I do not need a hearing aid.

You need to stop mumbling, Grandpa.

I don't mumble.