Rules of Engagement

Hey, I'm, uh, gonna go out for a couple of cold ones after work.

Is this a sex warning, or what are we doing here?

Well, it wasn't, but now that it's on the table....

I should drink too?

I'm just saying, I'm meeting up with Brenda later.

Oh, Brenda, our surrogate?

You mean the only Brenda that both of us have ever known? Yeah, that one.

You know what would be fun?

Yes, the opposite of whatever you're about to propose.

If I came out with you and Brenda.

So I was right.

Only instead of a bar, let's go to a nice restaurant.

-But we already-- -And tell Brenda to bring her girlfriend.

-Maybe she doesn't wanna-- -This is perfect, double date, great.

Wow, that, uh, got away from me fast.

Look, uh, you know I love you, right?

-Sure? -Here's the thing.

Brenda's my softball buddy, she and I, we hang out.

Exactly. But she's gonna be carrying our child.

You guys have your softball and your sports and--

Our mutual fondness for a nice rack.

If you're waiting for me to add "of lamb"...

...it's gonna be a long night.

You have a relationship with her. I want one too.

I understand that. I'm just saying, let's not force it.

-How am I forcing it? -By insisting on joining us...

...and changing where we're going and making Brenda bring her girlfriend.

That's all you got?

So you guys are double dating with a couple of lesbians?

Three women, zero chance of getting any.

If I can't carry our child, at least I can bond with the woman who will.

Gross.

If you wanna bond with Brenda, why don't you go out to lunch with her or offer to caddy for her?

-Oh, does she play golf? -Most of them do.

Morning, sir. At the risk of being a Nagging Nelly...

...you still haven't completed my work evaluation I gave you three weeks ago.

Whoa Nelly, first things first.

These grapes aren't gonna peel themselves.

Come on, set them free.

All you need do is complete a simple form...

...so I can get the three-percent raise...

...I deserve possibly more than any other person on this planet.

I'll have you know you're witnessing rock bottom.

Mm.

Squishy. Better.

I'll get to your stupid evaluation.

But I've been quite busy hanging out with Jessica, hmm.

Who's this Jessica? Is it serious...

...or is she just using you to get into R-rated movies?

She is a full grown adult. And she even has a son. Oh.

You're dating someone with a child?

Oh, yeah, I know what you're thinking, but don't worry...

...C-section.

That's not what I was thinking.

Who else but you would think that?

Hey, did you get those tickets for tonight?

Yes, sir. Two for the Criss Angel magic show. Front row, center.

All right, great, she's so into this Mindfreak guy.

But I'm gonna keep my eyes closed for most of the show so my mind does not get freaked.

But then hers will and that's when I make me move.

There's no way that'll work.

Never underestimate the power of suggestion.

Take your top off.

Is she doing it?

[SEÑOR HAPPY'S "HOW MANY WAYS" PLAYING]

-Hey. -Hey.

Hey.

-Who finally put that painting up? -Oh, Joe, the new super.

-But I said I was gonna do it. -You did say that.

And then the seasons changed.

-And then we had the Olympics. -Okay, I get it.

-Hey, how are you? -Hey, I'm good, what's going on?

I just finished building the dividers in your drawers, Jen.

-Ah, thank you so much, Joe. -I made that dividers in your drawers.

Yeah, out of cut up cereal boxes.

It was good enough for Rachael Ray, but whatever.

Also, I got your new shower head. I'll come back to install it tomorrow.

...I just kind of ran out of time with everything you have to do around here.

-Oh, tell me about it, it really piles up. -Yeah.

Okay, look, you don't have to go calling the super...

...every time you need something.

-Well, who else should I call? -Hello?

Hi. Who else should I call?

Me. Look, honey, I don't want that guy poking around in your drawers.

Honey, I love you, but, you know...

...Joe's the kind of guy who can do manly stuff.

I do manly stuff all the time.

Babe, the other day you hit a squirrel with your bicycle and then you cried.

It was just so unexpected.

Oh.

-Hey. -Bren, look at you, all pretty.

Thanks. When you changed tonight from beer and nachos to this place...

...I had to, you know, girl it up a bit.

And I had to stop for beer and nachos.

Nice.

So, uh, where's Audrey?

Considering it's 8:00 and we have 8:00 reservations...

...we can eliminate "here".

I'm sorry that, uh, Audrey hijacked our hang.

But she's just, you know, she's all...

...warm and fuzzy about this surrogate thing.

I know, it's sweet, and I am super pumped too.

But maybe we don't hit it too hard tonight...

...you know, because I haven't exactly told Becky about the whole surrogate thing yet.

Seriously? Why not?

Hasn't come up.

Well, uh, how is it gonna come up?

How was your day? Any people in you?

We're just a little bit new, and I don't wanna freak her out.

What? What do you mean she's having your baby?

Great. First time Audrey's ever shown up on time.

So this is my office...

...this is my whole world here, I own everything.

In fact...

...here's a ream of paper, just for you, buddy. Go nuts.

Sir, I thought you'd left for the evening.

-Oh, Timmy, you remember Jessica. -Yes, indeed. Lovely to see you again.

-You too. -And this is her son, Leland.

Oh, hello there, Leland, nice to meet you.

You two seem to have hit it off. We'll see you in four hours.

-Excuse me? -Oh, I....

I told Jessica how you said...

...that you'd watch little Leland.

-That is so nice of you, Timmy. -Yes, of course.

Please excuse us for a moment.

Babysitting? Like I have nothing better to do?

What's your big night tonight? You're gonna go...

...crank the old sitar music and charm the snake?

I definitely want to help you now.

Heh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Come on, buddy, this is my big night with Jessica.

I'm taking her to Criss Angel...

...but here's where the real magic is gonna go down.

Are you sure it's not going to happen in her wine glass when she's not looking?

Sir, I do not have any experience with children.

I'm going to be completely lost.

You told me you were once an au pair.

I said I once had an au pair. To which you said, I should grow au pair.

All right, I'll babysit for you if you promise me...

...that tomorrow, you will complete my performance evaluation.

-Ah, what's on my schedule tomorrow? -Nothing.

I'll make time because it's important.

So when were you gonna tell me about this baby?

You guys, I had no idea she didn't know, I am so sorry.

-It's not your fault. -Hold on, Audrey just apologized. This is a special moment.

I know you're not great at communicating...

...but this just takes it to a whole new level.

Oh, come on, Becky, I was gonna to tell you.

When? At baby's first birthday?

Which you will totally be invited to.

We want you both to be super involved.

I don't even know you.

Becky, I don't think that you're seeing the positives in this.

What positives?

-Well, I'm no doctor-- -Please don't finish that.

But when Brenda gets pregnant, she's gonna get a lot bigger on top.

Okay, okay.

Look, I know that I should have said something.

It's just I'm not good at this stuff, you know, heh.

No kidding.

Becky. Becky.

Beck, wait.

It was a great idea getting us all get together.

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

This show is incredible.

I know, how are you ever gonna thank me?

Whoa, there's a start.

Thank you very much, folks.

I gotta underscore the, uh, warning...

...for the young people that are watching and the drunk people...

...don't try this at home.

Don't worry, there's other stuff we can try at home.

For the next demonstration...

...I actually need a couple of volunteers to help me out.

Oh, we have a beautiful young lady, right center.

Right front row, right over there.

I assume the gentleman with the tie is your date?

Uh, actually, I am her date, sir.

I thought I was the magician.

I'm just teasing. Give them a nice round of applause as they make their way to the stage.

Yes, come on.

Thank you very much.