Rules of Engagement

Ah. Yeah, that's so good.

My back feels like jelly.

Kind of looks like jelly too.

We can't keep so much chocolate around the house.

Oh, what can I say, honey?

I had a great Halloween.

Something not said by most adults.

Okay, your half hour's up. Time to switch.

Okay.

My shoulders have been so tight lately.

Mm...

Ah.

Oh, that feels so good.

No, wait, what are you doing?

I think you know.

No. Don't stop the massage.

Adam.

I'm not holding any tension in those.

Oh.

Ten seconds that massage lasted

before he started wildly humping me.

You got a whole 10 seconds?

What do you mean?

I mean every man turns a massage

into sex as fast as they can.

Some of Jeff's burps last longer.

Longer than his massages or sex?

Yes.

Well, I'm not buying it.

I refuse to accept that a woman can't get

a simple backrub from the man she loves.

Uh-huh. Hey, Doreen. Hm?

Your husband ever give you a massage?

Sure. How do you think I got four kids?

[SEÑOR HAPPY'S "HOW MANY WAYS" PLAYING]

Hey.

Uh, Russell's not here?

Should be any minute.

What's your deal?

I'm...

How--? How do you mean?

I don't know, you talk one way, but you look another, so...

I don't know what's going on.

Mr. Dunbar, over here. Please, hurry.

Ah, what's going on there, C-3PO?

Chewbacca.

What's that?

Oh.

This is a cricket video game

my cousin sent me from South Africa.

Why? Is it not legal in the U.S.?

You gotta get it on the geek market?

Nothing geeky about it.

Cricket is a tremendously exciting sport.

Sport? Isn't it that game they play

in all those Harry Potter books?

No, actually that's Quidditch,

and you can only play it if you're a witch or a wizard.

And it wasn't in all the books,

it wasn't in the seventh one at all.

And I'm the geek.

I'll have you know cricket is among

the most popular sports in the world.

Heh. The guy on the box is wearing a sweater.

Oh, Mummy, I'm playing cricket and it's ever so chilly.

Well, I see the ugly American has weighed in.

At about 20 pounds more than most doctors would recommend.

Ka-boom.

I'm sorry that we can't all have that ropey, underfed look.

A dunk.

Oh, look, there's a warning:

"Not suitable for anyone who wants to get laid."

Windmill jam.

Heh.

So typical.

You can't do it, so you mock it.

Oh, I could do it.

Hm.

Well, then why don't you come on over, and we'll play?

Oh, I have to see this.

All right, fine. We'll call it:

America versus...

whatever other crappy countries play cricket.

The rest of them.

Are you sure you wanna invite the wrath of God into your home?

Two words: Bring it.

And come hungry, I'll make kebabs.

Wow. Would you look at him.

How lucky is that mail cart?

Ha-ha. What, you want that guy to push you?

Push, pull, lick. His call.

Oh, my God, I know him.

He interviewed for a position as my assistant last week.

I got a position I'd like to offer him.

I gotta see him every day?

I hope this isn't gonna be awkward.

Holy crap. Look at him.

Does anybody have a razor?

I need to shave my legs.

I'm looking for Tracy Sutter.

Oh, that's me.

I won.

I'm Tracy.

These are for you.

Hm.

Uh, Laura Foley. Ms. Laura Foley, single.

Nice to meet you. I'm Ryan.

Let's see. I know I have something for you here.

I am very excited to receive it.

Hi. Audrey Bingham.

We met last week.

I remember.

Nice to meet you.

Yeah, you too, thanks.

Bingo.

Well, okay, so it is awkward.

I'm gonna have to do something

to make things more comfortable.

I know what I would do... I could make things real...

Oh, ladies, get a grip.

Hey.

Oh, hey.

Feel like trading massages?

Definitely. I hate reading.

Oh, no, no, no.

Today, I wanna go first.

I bet you do.

No. I want a real massage.

For a half hour with no touching of my bathing suit areas.

But that just leaves the rest.

Look, I like doing all that stuff with you--

Ha-ha! Yeah.

But I also love a massage.

So today we're gonna try no sex, just massage.

I'd rather read.

So, what you wanna do this weekend?

I kind of wanna find a fair.

One with corn dogs.

You know, Adam, the best masseuses

don't talk to their clients,

they concentrate on giving the massage.

Sorry.

And now back to Shark Week.

Oh, my God!

You can't do this one thing for me

without the promise of sex.

Honey, it doesn't have to be "sex" sex.

It can be the other thing.

That's still sex!

Yeah, it is.

God, Ryan keeps giving me dirty looks.

I wish he'd give me something dirty.

Will you stop? You are at happy hour with your co-workers,

not Spring Break at Señor Frog's.

Those were good days.

All right. This is ridiculous.

I'm gonna go over there and straighten it out.

Oh, do you mind if I come with?

I'd like to smell him.

Casually mention that I have a background in burlesque.

No.

Really?

Get me drunk and ask me about Tokyo.

Hi.

Hi.

Listen, um,

we're gonna be working together.

I'd really like to clear things up.

I feel like you're mad at me because I didn't hire you.

But the thing is it wasn't anything personal,

it was just there were a lot of good candidates

and I had to make a choice.

You're young, you're smart,

you're nice-looking. You might be in the mailroom now,

but trust me, you're gonna go far.

You really think so?

No. I know so.

So come on. Can we just put everything behind us

and start fresh?

Well, okay.

Come on.

Yeah, yeah.

Go. Go.

Oh, there's my beer.

Oh, hey, put that on my tab.

That's okay.

Hey, don't argue with the boss.

So how'd it go? All better.

I am such a people person.

He filed a sexual harassment claim?

Yes. Yes. Against me?

Just this morning Tracy and Laura,

who I'm pretty sure was some sort of sex worker in Japan,

tried to coerce him into a game of strip poker.

They weren't mentioned.

You've gotta be kidding me.

No. I don't do that.