Parks and Recreation

- OKAY, GUYS. THE BATTLE ROYALE IS COMING UP.

EVERY DEPARTMENT IN ONE ROOM, ARGUING FOR MORE MONEY.

BUDGETARY THUNDERDOME!

SO, UH, MAKE LISTS OF WHY OTHER DEPARTMENTS SUCK,

AND I'M GONNA GO GET THE SECRET WEAPON.

OUR SECRET WEAPON IN THIS BUDGETARY BATTLE?

RON.

EVERY TIME ANOTHER DEPARTMENT ASKS FOR MORE MONEY,

HE JUST STARES THEM DOWN UNTIL THEY BACK OFF

AND/OR WET THEMSELVES.

HEY, WHO'S READY TO GET--

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

TAMMY ONE SHOWED UP.

I'M BEING AUDITED BY THE IRS.

NO!

YOUR WORST NIGHTMARE.

- YOU KNOW WHAT? SCREW THIS.

FIRST OF ALL, INCOME TAX IS ILLEGAL.

SECOND, TAMMY IS A PSYCHOLOGICAL MASTERMIND.

THIS IS JUST ANOTHER WAY FOR HER

TO PUT HER HAND UP MY KEISTER

AND CONTROL ME LIKE A PUPPET.

I'D RATHER BE LOCKED UP.

- RON, THIS IS A FEDERAL TAX AUDIT.

YOU COULD GO TO JAIL.

JAIL, RON.

RON, JAIL.

JAIL, RON, JAIL.

YOU COULD GO TO JAIL.

JAIL, JAIL, JAIL.

ARE YOU BROKEN?

ANDY, APRIL!

WHAT'S UP, BOSS?

- STOP YELLING AND BEING ANNOYING.

- GRAB YOUR CALCULATORS. SETTLE IN.

OPERATION RESCUE RON IS STARTING.

DON'T WORRY.

I WILL THINK OF A BETTER NAME FOR IT BY TOMORROW.

HERE YOU GO.

CALCULATOR.

*

- HEY... - HEY, MAN.

BEN.

- HEY, THANKS FOR TEXTING ME TO HANG OUT.

I'VE REALLY FELT LIKE WE'VE DEVELOPED

A COOL FRIENDSHIP, AND--

ANYWAY, IT WAS JUST NICE TO HAVE THAT VALIDATED.

- YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

LOOK, WE GOT SOME DOCUMENTS OVER AT ENTERTAINMENT720

THAT SEEM REALLY COMPLICATED.

AND I THOUGHT, MAYBE YOU COULD TAKE A LOOK AT THEM

BECAUSE NERD STUFF PROBABLY REALLY EXCITES YOU,

BECAUSE YOU'RE A NERD.

- NO, OF COURSE. YEAH, NO, I JUST--

PUT ON MY STAR WARS PAJAMAS

AND SIT IN MY MOM'S BASEMENT

AND PORE OVER SOME SPREADSHEETS.

SOUNDS GREAT.

YEAH. W-W-WHAT'D YOU GOT?

- SOMETHING CALLED "BREAK EVEN ANALYSIS TABLES."

OH, BREAK EVENS?

THOSE ARE REALLY FUN.

YEAH, SURE. I'LL TAKE A LOOK.

LET'S HIT IT.

- WHAT YOU-- RIGHT NOW?

UH--I HAVE WORK.

AND I THOUGHT I HAD A FRIEND.

ALL RIGHT.

IT'S ALMOST TOO EASY.

I CAN HEAR YOU.

I KNOW YOU CAN, BEN.

THAT'S HOW EASY IT IS.

- SO WE NEED TO FIND PROOF OF EVERY TAX DEDUCTION

I'VE TAKEN IN THE LAST FIVE YEARS.

- RON, MOST OF THESE AREN'T EVEN RECEIPTS.

THIS ONE SAYS, "I BOUGHT SUPPLIES. 2007".

- YOU WON'T FIND ANY BANK STATEMENTS EITHER.

I'VE HEAVILY INVESTED IN GOLD

WHICH I'VE BURIED IN SEVERAL DIFFERENT LOCATIONS

AROUND PAWNEE.

OR HAVE I?

WHAT'S THIS?

SOME KIND OF LAME DRUG DEAL?

- THAT IS A GENTLEMAN'S AGREEMENT.

I MADE THAT MAN A DINING ROOM TABLE

IN EXCHANGE FOR 60 FEET OF COPPER PIPE

AND A HALF PIG.

- WELL, LOOKS LIKE WE HAVE SOME ACTUAL RECEIPTS HERE.

SAME AMOUNT, EVERY MONTH. 140 BUCKS.

WHAT'S THIS?

EVERY 30 DAYS,

I BUY SHOTGUN SHELLS AND CIGARETTES

AND SEND THEM HOME TO MY MOM.

THAT'S SO SWEET.

YOUR MOM SOUNDS KICKASS.

- MY FIRST EX-WIFE'S NAME IS TAMMY.

MY SECOND EX-WIFE'S NAME IS TAMMY.

MY MOM'S NAME IS TAMARA.

SHE GOES BY TAMMY.

- YOU CAN PREVENT ADULT-ONSET DIABETES

BY GETTING AN ANNUAL CHECK-UP,

EXERCISING,

PRAYING...

OKAY.

WHO IS THAT GUY?

THAT IS WALT MORPHLING.

HE WAS THE DIRECTOR OF PUBLIC HEALTH,

BUT HE HAD TO RETIRE AT 46

BECAUSE HE HAD DIABETES.

THAT IS SAD, BUT ALSO,

IN THIS TOWN, UNDERSTANDABLE.

- I WOULD LIKE TO SHOOT A NEW PSA

AND I THINK IT'D BE GOOD TO GET SOMEONE

WHO'S HEALTHY AND TELEGENIC,

AND I THOUGHT THAT YOU WOULD BE PERFECT.

ANN PERKINS.

I AM FLATTERED.

AND I WILL DO IT.

IS THERE A SCRIPT YET?

- UH, NO, BECAUSE YOU JUST APPROVED THE IDEA, LIKE,

THREE SECONDS AGO.

- I WOULD LIKE YOU TO WRITE ME A SCRIPT

AND GET IT TO ME IN AN HOUR.

AND WE SHOULD START THINKING ABOUT WARDROBE.

CASUAL?

FORMAL? SEMI-FORMAL?

SPORTY?

SCARY?

POSH? BABY?

THOSE ARE THE SPICE GIRLS.

I JUST GOT CAUGHT UP IN MY OWN THOUGHTS.

I'M VERY EXCITED ABOUT THIS.

- IN TERMS OF SHIRTS, I CAN WEAR WHITE...

- WELCOME TO PARADISE, MY MAN.

YOU CAN CHILL OVER THERE BY THE BAR.

WE ALSO GOT BASKETBALL AT ANY TIME YOU WANT.

THERE'S ROY HIBBERT AND DETLEF SCHREMPF.

- OH, MY GOD. THAT'S AN ACTUAL NBA PLAYER.

HE PLAYS FOR THE PACERS.

NBA'S ON STRIKE,

SO WE GOT HIM FOR ONLY, LIKE,

75% OF HIS ORIGINAL NBA SALARY.

WHAT UP, ROY?

IS THIS ALL YOU WANT ME TO DO?

PLAY ONE ON ONE WITH DETLEF?

YES.

AND KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT.

JEAN-RALPHIO!

TAKE ME THERE.

BUMP!

WHO ARE YOU?

- UH-- - THIS IS BEN.

HE'S HERE TO HELP US WITH THE PAPERWORK.

- BEN? IS THAT YOUR REAL NAME?

YES.

- OH, YOU COULD DO BETTER THAN THAT.

I'MA HELP YOU OUT RIGHT NOW.

YOUR NAME IS ANGELO.

ANGELO, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR COMING OUT.

GET A THICKER TIE. IT LOOKS WEIRD ON YOU.

MAKES YOUR HEAD LOOK LIKE A FISH.

SECONDLY,

I DON'T KNOW WHERE THE PAPERWORK IS,

BUT WHEN YOU FIND IT,

CAN YOU TAKE CARE OF IT FOR US?

WE DON'T HAVE ANY PENS

'CAUSE WE'RE AFRAID IT'S GONNA LEAK IN OUR SHIRTS.

LASTLY, I HATE THE NAME, ANGELO.

I'MA SWITCH IT UP FOR YOU, RIGHT NOW.

YOUR NEW NICKNAME IS...

JELL-O SHOT.

- WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THAT, J-SHOT?

DO YOU HAVE QUESTIONS?

YEAH. WHERE ARE WE?

ALL RIGHT, BEN.

IF YOU NEED ANYTHING,

ONE OF THESE MODELS THAT WE PAY TO HANG AROUND HERE

WILL GRAB IT FOR YOU.

IN THE MEANTIME, WE'RE GONNA BE PLAYING VIDEO GAMES,

TWEETING OUR HIGH SCORES.

HIT IT!

UM, HI.

ARE YOU THE RECEPTIONIST?

I GUESS.

I DON'T REALLY KNOW.

IF YOU DON'T MIND ME ASKING,

HOW MUCH ARE THEY PAYING YOU?

$100,000 A YEAR.

WITH FULL MEDICAL.

- I MEAN, I WOULD GUESS THEY'LL BE BANKRUPT

BY THE END OF...

THIS SENTENCE.

NO, THANK YOU.

IS THIS TRUE?

YOU ONLY SPENT $40 ON CLOTHES IN THE PAST 5 YEARS?

IT SOUNDS ABOUT RIGHT.

HOW DID YOU MEET TAMMY ONE?

- TECHNICALLY, I'VE KNOWN HER SINCE I WAS BORN.

SHE WAS A CANDY STRIPER AT THE HOSPITAL.

SHE HELPED DELIVER ME.