Axe Giant - The Wrath of Paul Bunyan

Oh, much obliged, ma'am.

That--oh, that looks so tasty.

Oh, you're so welcome.

Smells wonderful.

Thank you.

Hey, about a pot of hot coffee?

- Coming right up. - Thank you.

Hope you brought back a powerful appetite with you.

Can you believe this snow?

You boys keep working that hard,

you're gonna have this whole forest chopped.

Yeah, maybe we should slow down,

go half speed.

What do you say, boss?

You go half speed, I'll cut you half speed.

All I'm saying is,

it takes some time for these big trees to grow back.

Don't it? Trees are trees.

More people are building houses now, closer together.

You look at your kitchen window,

you can look in your neighbor's bedroom.

You take it from me, young man.

The future of this great country is home ownership.

Now, I want you guys to get some rest tonight

'cause tomorrow we're gonna cut 20 acres of God's green timber.

When's this thing gonna be done, Elmer?

Chow's ready boss.

Meat's practically falling off the bone.

Ain't bad, Elmer. It ain't too bad.

Much obliged, boss.

Save me some. I'll be back.

You got another log jam to take care of, boss?

That's the third time today for him.

Well, for a great big bear of a man,

boss sure has the itty-bitty bowels of a squirrel.

Ring the dinner bell, kid.

Tell the men to come on over.

Chow's ready.

Smells good, y'all.

Hey.

Hey, hey.

These monkeys are gonna get themselves hurt.

No, not a problem.

We'll be here.

Miss cow-wow-Zinkowski?

Please, my friends call me Sam.

Sergeant Hoke, and I don't have any friends,

so you will address me as sergeant Hoke.

Oh... Okay.

Here they come now.

Let's see who we got here.

D.O.C. Number 6-8-2-9-0,

Martin Williams,

felony robbery.

Is this really necessary?

Move it along, chicken little.

D.O.C. Number 9-0-2-1-1,

Trish gauge, 3 counts of assault on a police officer.

Fall in, prairie dog.

D.O.C. Number 2-0-0-6-8,

Zachery Moore, drug trafficking.

You can call me Zack.

I'll be keeping a real special eye on you.

Move along, wasted space.

D.O.C. Number 1-8-7-5-0, Rosa Villa.

Well, contempt of court. Couldn't have guessed.

Fall in there, Thornbush.

Hi, Ray Tanner, dropping off my daughter.

D.O.C number 1-7-9-0-1, Claire Tanner,

drunk driving, bodily injury.

You are late, If you are trying to get on my good side,

you have failed.

Now, get in line, happy hour.

Hey, is that thing necessary?

Well, you never know who you might run into

in the deep, dark woods.

Toe the line.

That means toes on the line.

Yes, this will include you, wasted space.

Toe the line.

Now, you all have had the good fortune

to be a part of the state's first offender program,

what I like to refer to as the get-out-of-jail-free card.

There's only one problem, kiddies.

I'm the one holding all the cards.

And I'm sergeant A. Hoke,

and as of right now,

you are all my stumps

All right, stumps

All aboard sergeant Hoke's happy short bus.

Get on board. Double time.

Double time, or you will be left behind,

and I will fail you.

Move, move, move.

Do you require assistance, madam?

- She'll be okay. - Thanks.

You're a cube rat, never spent any time in the field.

Not exactly. I have an office.

Nice refurbished couch, a great one.

Tea tray.

Have you ever spent any time outdoors?

I spend more time indoors.

Got my master's in social work

with a focus on criminal justice.

I don't remember asking for your resume.

Miss K., why are you here?

There's plenty of punishment built into the system.

I'm here to reform, to help.

Well, shit, Sam. Me too.

Me too.

Felony robbery. Chicken little.

You don't look the type.

Wait a minute. I know you.

Internet hacker, stole, like, 12 mil from the government.

It was only 11.5.

The IRS likes to round shit up.

What's it like to spend all that money?

Yeah, what did you buy?

Never had a chance to roll around in it.

Just numbers on a screen.

You?

Miss badass. What?

Assault a cop 3 times.

I dig it.

That's bullshit.

I only punched him once.

What about you, C.B.?

You doing all right back there?

Need a drink?

Nice.

Stump, remain seated while the vehicle is in motion.

This is not a pleasure cruise.

Stumps?

Stupid teenagers under my protection.

Technically they're not all teenagers.

I'd appreciate it--

and I'm sure the other passengers would too--

if you didn't smoke.

I'm not sure I approve of your style.

Well, then this is going to get interesting.

Miss K., welcome to my world.

This is gonna be interesting.

Stumps, get off the bus.

This is where we're staying?

This place is a pile.

Stumps, toe the line.

You are all here because you have made choices

that most people would describe

as piss-poor.

The courts have given you this one last chance

to get your shit together,

or your shit will get pushed in in prison.

Today you are all Stumps,

but when I am through with you,

you will have grown into trees...

And productive members of society.

Miss K.

Hi.

We're gonna have a great week.

There will be physical challenges

led by sergeant Hoke,

and I'll be continuing our counseling sessions here.

By the end of the week, we hope this experience

inspires you to make changes in your life

and better choices.

I choose to go somewhere else.

Yeah, I don't want to stay in that dump for a week.

Shut it!

Stumps don't stay in the cabin.

Stumps stay outside.

Stumps, set up the tents by the campfire circle.

Move out.

Hold on.

I'm not sharing a tent with you.

Oh, I know. I'll be sleeping in the cabin.

What?

I'm not here to share anything,

least of all hardships.

I may not have a fancy degree,

but s-g-t,

it's got its privileges.

Several people got shot.

It was a drive-by.

The D.A. Wanted me to testify, but I couldn't.

I was worried for Myra, my daughter.

- You have a daughter? - Yeah.

Whoa, serious M.I.L.F. Age.

When I get out of here, I'm gonna get her back.

Hey, I cut a deal to get out the bigger fish.

You got busted for talking.

Talking's what saved my ass.

Figures.

A hood rat like you selling drugs.

Hey, I had friends, and they needed things.

Just so happens what they needed wasn't legal.

What you do differently if you could go back in time?

Probably invest in Google.

Trish, you're up.

There was this bar fight. Cops showed up.

One of them asked me what happened,