The Angels' Share

This is an unusual case, My Lord.

The accused was at an unmanned station under the influence of a strong fortified wine.

Railway personnel from some 20 miles away manning security cameras

saw him staggering towards the station's edge.

Lovely jubbly

Would all passengers stand back from the edge of the platform?

You with the trainers on. You with the blue tracksuit.

Get back. There's a train coming through here any minute.

Stand back.

Is somebody taking the piss here?

When will you do what you're told and stand back?

- Stand back? - That's right, you heard me. Stand back.

If you say so, pal.

Oh, shit!

See! Look what you've done now, you fucking imbecile!

Get off that track. There's a train coming through here in seconds.

What the fuck was that, you arsehole? I fucking nearly broke my bottle.

Fuck the bottle. Get off the track! Hurry up! Get a fucking move on!

I cannae find my glasses!

This is God calling.

Get off the fucking track, will you?!

- Get a fucking move on or you're gonna die! - Fuck me!

Move it, you fucking arsehole!

Oh, thank fuck. Oh! Shit.

It seems to me, young man, that your profound stupidity

is matched only by your good fortune.

I sentence you to 180 hours of Community Payback.

If you don't carry out the required work, you will come back here before me

and receive a custodial sentence. Is that clear?

No, not really.

The accused stole a yellow and blue macaw from a pet shop

in the Gallowgate area of the city.

The bird was stuffed inside a Marks & Spencer's carrier bag

with tail protruding.

On being asked for an explanation by a police constable, the accused replied,

"Why don't you piss off and start hunting rapists, mass murderers and perverts,

"YOU grumpy twat?"

The damage to the vending machine

was not as great as first feared, My Lord,

and it has been repaired at very little cost.

It seems clear this of fence was committed, unfortunately, through depression

and this recent violent outburst is a desperate attempt

to get back inside the prison system.

This is a public order of fence, My Lord.

Climbing the statue of the Duke of Wellington in the city centre.

The accused was under the influence of drink and drugs.

He seems to bear a grudge against public monuments.

On previous occasions he has put a Scottish flag around Queen Victoria

and urinated on Donald Dewar.

The accused had a part-time cleaning job three days a week.

But during this time she continued to claim Social Security benefits.

Your Lordship will note there is a considerable history

of fraudulent claims from the accused.

She seems unable to change her behaviour of claiming benefits she's not entitled to.

As you will recall, My Lord, this young man has pleaded guilty

to a violent and prolonged assault.

Now, it is accepted that the accused's rivals in this case provoked the incident

but, at the same time, the severity and viciousness of the accused's reaction

went far beyond self-defence.

Both the accused's rivals were assaulted to their severe and permanent disfigurement.

Given his chaotic childhood, My Lord,

both Mr Emmerson's parents

were frequently in and out of custody during his formative years.

Um... He perhaps didn't have the best start in life.

Your Lordship will note that, following Mr Emmerson's release

from Polmont Young Offenders Institution,

the last 10 months have been trouble-free, My Lord,

albeit apart from this one very serious incident.

He has formed a stable relationship with his girlfriend.

She continues to be a positive and stabilizing influence in his life.

The reason for that is clear.

Within 10 days, my client will become a father for the first time.

My Lord, the prospects of fatherhood have changed this young man,

and he would grasp one last opportunity with both hands.

He has clashed with his girlfriend's father on several occasions,

which gives rise to serious concern.

Stand up.

Your record is appalling.

For much of your short life you have behaved like a thug

and the violent incidents in this case have proven to me

that you are still a dangerous individual.

But you are obviously a young man with energy and talent.

You have escaped a significant custodial sentence by the skin of your teeth.

I sentence you to 300 hours of Community Payback.

Silence there!

Silence.

- Silence there! - Silence in court!

Silence!

Quiet!

Oh, fuck.

I cannae believe that, man.

It's okay, Leonie.

God, I thought they were gonna put you away for years.

I'm telling you, I am never coming back here. I'm telling you now.

One more time, Robbie, and you're on your own.

You'd have been safer inside, you wee prick. Watch your fucking back.

- See you soon, you wee dick. - Catch you after, hairy hole.

I cannae live with this. I'm not going to.

Good morning, sir.

I'm here to report for Community Payback.

- And your name is? - It's Albert Ridley.

- You're not on here, son. - You sure? Should be definitely on the list.

- Are you sure it's today? - Aye, Wednesday.

- You're two days out, son. - What?

- You're two days out. - Two days out?

There must be... Should be definitely on it.

I'll tell you what. If you can tell me what year it is, I'll let you come with us.

- What year it is? - Yeah.

Feels as if I'm fuckin' on Who Wants to be a Millionaire here.

Can I phone a friend?

It's your lucky day. We're two short. We're painting the community centre.

- Are you any good with a brush? - I'll give it a bash, aye.

- Right, get on the bus, then. - Cheers.

- You all right? - Aye, I'm fine. How?

- What's your second name again? I forgot it. - It's a secret. Ha-ha!

- It's a secret? - I'm no telling you.

- Willy, you been drinking, pal? - I haven't touched a drink.

- Oh, Willy. - I haven't touched a drink. Promise.

Look, smell my breath. No touched a drink!

- Robert Emmerson. - What name is it?

- Robert Emmerson. - Rob, it's 8:00 sharp. It's not a taxi service.

- The bus sailed right past me. - There's a 15 minute cut-off. You're too late.

I've gotta get my hours done, man. Please. Please.

- Albert, have you painted before? - Just with a can.

I'll tell you what then. Get a scraper, you and Davey get some sandpaper.

Get out in the hallway and give it a bit of a scraping off, will you?

Get it prepared for painting afterwards, all right?

Scrape the wall? What do you mean?

Don't take the piss. Get the scrapers, get the sandpaper, get out there.

Davey, you go with him. Show him what to do, will you, son?

In the corridor. Get started as soon as you can.

There you go, Davey.

There you go, the dream team.

Right, you and PC can start on this wall.

Rhino, get the orange paint. You do the windows, and I don't mean the glass.

Oh, fuck, Harry. No, I hate this color.

- You don't like it? - No, it's not me.

- All right, boys? - All right.

- How's it going, Davey, okay? - Brilliant. Albert here's a dab hand.

What are you doing there? You're not digging a trench. Nice and easy.

- Nice and easy? - Just take the...

Like you're taking the skin off a rice pudding.

- A nice big sweep. - Big sweep?

- Nice and easy. - What do you mean? Like that?

How's that?

I'll have you off that ladder in a minute. Behave yourself.

- That was a nice big sweep there. - Born to scrape, that's you, Arnold.

Yeah, we do. First time on today.

Well, I can't leave Jean on her own, can I?

Okay, if the office has cleared it.

Which hospital?

Okay. Thanks, Sheila.

- Robbie. - Aye?

- Your partner's gone into labor. - What?

Your partner's gone into labor.

I've got to buy some flowers.

That will be nice.

Can I ask you a big favour, Harry?

Here we go. Go on.

Could you come in with me?

What?

I'm scared they won't let me in.

They just take one look at my scar.

Fucking happens every time I go for a job as well.

All right.

That's her uncles, man. It's Leonie's uncles.

All right? Leonie in there, aye?

Been expecting you to turn up here.

What are youse doing? Leonie wants me here!

- Fucking leave me. - What's going on here?

- Fucking leave me! Fucking leave me! - Shut it!

- Fucking Leonie wants me here! - Just shut your mouth, eh!

Fucking listen to me, for Christ's sake She just sent me a text.

Fucking hell, man. Look, I've got a right to be here.

- I've got a right to be here. - You've got fuck all, rights.

Get fucking up.

Now you listen here, you wee fucking maggot.

Your old man was an old prick. Your brother's a prick. And you're a prick.

You come from a long line of fucking losers, and it stops here.

Do you understand? Now, you go anywhere near Leonie, or the baby,

and I'll rip your fucking balls off you, and I'll ram them down your fucking throat!

Do you understand?

It's fuckin' my baby, too.

You keep your big fucking nose out of this! You understand?

You all right, Robbie? Eh?

Bastards. Are you all right, son? Eh? Oh, fucking hell.

Come back upstairs.

Can you get UP?

Come on.

Come on, come on. You all right? Eh?

Fucking do him. I'm gonna fucking do him! Get to fuck!

Fuck off, I'm gonna do them! Fuck off!

That's what they want, Robbie! No!

Don't be a mug. No! That's what they want!

They wanna see you behind bars! Ten years, eh?

Come on, don't be a mug.

You can't let them win like that!

You better fuck off, Harry! Fucking move!

- Come on! - I'll fucking kill them.

Robbie. Look. Think of the baby! Right?