Top Gear

Tonight, we drive down a sewer.

We power slide across a field.

And some other things as well. I can't see where I'm going.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you, everybody. Hello!

Hello. Welcome.

Hello. Thank you, thank you.

Now...

what do you suppose is the slowest means of transport

in this day and age?

Canal boat?

James May.

James May.

Getting a piggyback from James May, possibly.

Turns out, though, the answer is air travel,

as Richard Hammond explains.

This is an airport.

It's a place where you wait around a lot.

But the waiting isn't just because of delayed planes.

No, the problem runs deeper than that.

Everything that moves at an airport just takes an age.

The tug that drags the plane to the gate crawls like a snail.

The bus that ferries the passengers to the place is deathly slow.

The catering truck is always late,

the fuel truck just meanders about with no sense of urgency

and as for that little thing

that drags the luggage around in a big train,

maybe that's the reason

why you have to wait for a year at the luggage carousel.

Net result - misery.

In fact, some youngsters who check in to fly somewhere on a school trip

often die of old age in the departure lounge.

And that's an actual fact.

Time, then, for Top Gear to step in,

and in the same we solved the bendy bus issue,

we shall tackle this problem through the crucible of motor sport.

Let's begin by assembling a selection of typical airport vehicles.

First up, the aircraft steps.

Never there when you need them. Hope they can buck their ideas up.

Then we have the thing that lugs the luggage around,

complete with...luggage.

The fuel tanker, heavy and full of...

stuff.

Fuel.

Next, the bendy bus that ferries the passengers around.

We're already pretty familiar with those.

Ah, the fire engine. Absolutely no excuse for tardiness for that one.

And the catering truck.

Always late, sometimes better if it didn't turn up at all.

And finally,

the heaviest beast of all - the aircraft tug.

So, there we are -

a group of machines that normally trundle around at a snail's pace.

But just think how much faster the whole airport experience would be

if we could speed things up.

To show the airport bosses

just what untapped potential these machines have,

welcome to the inaugural

Top Gear Various Airport Vehicles Motor Sport Challenge Race...

Challenge.

Our venue for this ground-breaking event

is London's Heathrow Airport, just outside London.

Normally it is a lot busier than this

but the people who run Heathrow closed it for the day

and they've moved all the jumbos and, um, terminals off to the side,

out of shot...

They have, that's what they've done.

So, with that taken care of, all I need now are some drivers.

Sadly, the airport ground staff just won't cut the mustard.

But guess who I ran into in Duty Free.

Touring car legend, Tom Chilton.

Touring car legend, Matt Neal.

Touring car legend, Mat Jackson.

Touring car legend, Gordon Shedden.

Touring car legend, Anthony Reid.

And truck racing legend, Stuart Oliver.

The drivers climbed into their chosen machines,

leaving me with the fire engine.

I can't reach the switch.

ENGINE STARTS

Yeah!

All of these vehicles have very different engines and what have you,

and so whichever one wins today

is the vehicle we will be recommending

all future aircraft vehicles are based on,

regardless of function or task.

ENGINES REV

This is a pretty serious scientific experiment,

so I have stressed to the other drivers

in the strongest possible terms,

absolutely no body contact whatsoever.

We're away!

The catering lorry - I can't believe how that took off!

'Although the fire truck was incredibly noisy...'

ENGINE WHINES

'..on paper, it had got winning potential.'

'On the minus side, however, it was still a fire truck.'

'Very soon, I was falling back.'

Oh, no! I mean, what good would this be in an emergency situation

if the bloody catering truck gets there before the fire engine?!

'And predictably, with me out of the way,

'the touring car boys were ignoring my strict no-contact rule.

'If I was to get back in and restore order, I needed to act fast.'

There, that'll do.

Ha-ha!

Oh! Yep.

I can't see where I'm going. I can't see.

I wonder what's happened to the world.

'But the crash diet did the trick.'

I'm back in the race in my lightweight fire truck superleggera!

Yes!

'Unfortunately,

'the other drivers weren't impressed with the new track conditions.'

That's lapped the bendy bus!

Ah-ha-ha-ha!

'Several laps into the race and no clear winner was emerging.'

The stairs in front of me now, they're an unknown quanti...TY!

Oh, my God!

'So, with great regret, I ordered the drivers to turn up the wick.'

Maximum revs!

'Pretty soon, the results started to come,

'with the fuel tender taking a pretty serious kicking from the catering truck.'

The fuel lorry is out.

Oh!

'With just two laps to go,

'the 29-tonne tug and the luggage trolley

'were at the back in a fight of their own.

'And following an accidental manoeuvre by me...'

Woah! '..the bendy bus was now crippled,

'meaning it was now all down to me, the catering truck and the stairs.

'Correction - make that me and the catering truck.

'Which, as we entered the final lap, had suddenly changed tactics.'

Woah! What's he done with that?!

'What he'd done was genius.'

'The lightweight catering truck shot into the lead.'

Woah!

'But the racing driver,

'being a racing driver,

'had forgotten about the laws of physics.'

That is the catering truck out of it.

That is good news indeed. Yeah!

Ahh! There you go!

'So, airports of the world, take note.'

From now on,

all airport vehicles will be based on the fire engine,

which will be brilliant

as long as there isn't a fire.

CHEERING

Excellent work.

Excellent science, Doctor.

Excellent science.

More of that. More research, yeah.

Now let's do the news.

Yes, let's. Right... Oh, yes.

Every week, the Daily Mirror runs a story

saying that we've done something unspeakable.

You know, we've stolen all the Army's helicopters

or we've accidentally clubbed an old lady to death with a baby seal.

This week, OK,

the story they chose to run with was this.

OK? Here it is.

Big story saying that...

homosexuals are banned from the Top Gear studio audience.

Now, seriously, honestly,

I've never read such rubbish in my life, ever. Now, it is true...

LAUGHTER ..that we like an even split of men and women in the audience,

otherwise it's a bit like the early days

when we only got the Subaru owners club, and that's a bit grizzly.

But we do not actually insist

that you sleep with the person you come to the studio with. No.

I mean, often, you know, mums come down with their sons

and we're not suggesting that...

You know, that's... No, we're not. But everybody's welcome. Exactly.

The truth is, we welcome homosexual couples here. We do.

We particularly like the lesbian sort. Oh, God!

Oh, no. No, no, no.

I saw a film about lesbians on the internet once. Oh, God!

LAUGHTER

It looked very interesting.

Now, BMW, OK, have made...they've made this. It's an M5 CSL, OK?

It's got a carbon fibre roof,

it's got a longer-stroke engine, 5.5 litres, 580 horsepower.

That is 20 seconds a lap faster round the Nurburgring

than the standard M5.

Wow. LAUGHTER

I know. The big "wow" is... Do you know what it is?

They're not going to make it, and that's weird to me.

Why go to all that trouble if you're not going to make it?

That's like...sleeping with a woman when you don't want to have a baby.

No, that doesn't work, does it? That's the worst metaphor ever.

You're on your own with that! The real reason I brought this up

are these BMW racing colours,

because you don't see racing colours any more in motor racing.

You remember the Alitalia colours and the Martini...

It's a good point, because these days, you get a white car

and then it just says something like "Panasonic". Ugh!

Those new teams coming into F1,

they should choose their sponsors

according to which sponsors are going to give them the best-looking car.

With the Sheffield team that we talked about,