Bloodletting

Uh, excuse me?

Um, sorry officer... uh, can you tell me what happened in there?

Oh, man, y'know... I ain't at liberty to say... 'cause this is a police investigation.

Oh, come on... just a hint?

Well, without gettin' too graphic...

Some psycho busted into yonder house...

and chopped up the whole Millhouse family

like they was a stack of cordwood.

Uh... cordwood?

Cordwood... you know, like it was covered with

blood and brains, and chunks of intestine...

Oh. Thank you.

When are we gonna get to see some bodies?

Jesus Christ, what a bunch of losers...

I don't know...

It's a lot smaller turnout than the last one.

Hiya, Detective Orville...

This is Sergeant Slade from Metro.

From here on in, he'll be taking over the case.

Sergeant Slade! Oh man... everybody's heard about you...

- Yeah? - So how you making out on the front lines here?

I mean... you having any problems?

Aw, heck, no, you know... out here people, they still have respect for a badge.

What about forensics? What time do you expect them?

I called dispatch and they said about an hour...

so looks like we're looking at about 40 minutes.

Well, you just point their asses

in the general direction of that house. We'll be inside.

10-4, Chief. I'll stay here and handle crowd control.

You fellas want I should get a couple of ambulances to help with the victims?

No rush, no rush.

So, what's the deal, Orville?

Millhouse family... father, mother, teen aged daughter.

About 9:45, someone calls the local pizza parlor.

About 10:15, the pizza kid arrives... the door's wide open.

Kid comes in, see's what's left of 'em...

Loses everything that's in his stomach... and dials 911.

You were the first to arrive on the scene?

Naw, Barney Fife over there arrived about 30 minutes before me.

- Oh, great. - No, he didn't touch anything.

And what makes you so sure this is Butch Harlow's handiwork?

People around here think that "gang-bang" is wife-swapping on a Friday night.

Hasn't been a murder out here since my dad was on the force years ago.

Yeah, it's one thing saying this is murder in the sticks

and another saying Butch Harlow did it, got it? He's Public Fruitcase Number One.

You so much as think he did this. the Feds"ll be up faster than you can say Dick Tracy.

Take a look... we"ll take it from there.

Christ, turn on a light!

This place gives me the creeps.

Clowns, huh?

His last four set of victims were dressed as clowns.

Read somewhere the Feds think he's going through some kind of Gacy period.

And the rest of Harlow's M.O.?

Well... there's the knives. He's big on knives.

There's blood all over the place, the kitchen, the bath...

This guy really likes to drag things out.

Anything else?

Yeah, the kicker for me...

was that Harlow always leaves a message behind.

So after I saw this... All I had to do was start snoopin' around...

To come up with this.

- Shit. - Yeah.

You ready to go, baby?

Let's do it.

Hello... are you Mister...

Walt Lipsky?

- That's me. - Hi, I'm Serena Stalin

regional salesperson for Avalon Cosmetics

I think we set up an appointment today with your wife...

Ooh, uh... as much as I'd love to finally settle down,

I'm afraid I'm not married. I think there's been some kind of mistake.

Oh... I can't believe this.

You see, this is my first day on the job.

I get up this morning, my car breaks down.

Then, on the way over here, I almost get pulled over for speeding, and now this.

I really have to apologize...

The home office tells me their computer never makes a mistake.

Bunch of liars. I should have stuck to modeling!

- Yes, you should have. - I don't know whether to take that as a compliment or not...

Oh, it's definitely a compliment.

Oh, well thank you, Mister Lipsky. What a nice thing to say.

- Call me Walt. - Walt.

I sure wish there was some way I could help you out.

Well, we do sell a wide variety of men's cosmetics...

- Oh, do you now? - We certainly do.

Well, um...

You got any Belasco cologne?

'Cause I'm a Belasco cologne wearing kind of guy, you know.

Well, you'll have to let me check my magic makeup box...

I'll tell you what... why don't you come on in and we'll see what we can see.

And um... if you got some Belasco, you got yourself your first sale.

Okay.

I really appreciate this, Walt.

I just did not want to come out of my first day looking like an idiot, you know?

Hey, don't worry about it. Um...

By the way, can I get you some coffee or something? I mean... I make some tasty coffee.

Oh, no thanks.

Remember... I'm driving!

Serena Stalin. That's an interesting name.

- I like it. - So do I.

Hmm. Now would you look at that.

No Belasco cologne in there at all.

Trick lock. Installed it myself.

Magnetic, just like the ones they use in psycho wards.

It's a lot of fun when my dates go bad.

Oh, if you're thinking about breaking any of these windows...

Don't bother. They're Plexiglas and they don't break.

I'm what your average psychiatrist would call "anal-retentive."

I... I have mace.

Well if I were you, I'd be gettin' it on out, then... before I reach you

and do something you probably won't be digging a whole lot.

I know who you are. Who you really are.

Enlighten me.

For one thing, your name isn't Walt Lipsky.

It's Butch Harlow. And you've killed 14 people in the last 2 years.

In fact, at one point, you even had plastic surgery to alter your identity...

but the FBI was never able to track you down.

And what makes you think I'm this Butch Harlow guy, Nancy Drew?

Did you find the bodies I buried in my basement?

You used to bury the bodies in a graveyard near your house

usually in freshly dug graves and right over the people supposed to be buried there.

- You've done your homework. - Yes, I have.

Well, you hit the fucking jackpot. Ta-da! I'm Butch, you found me!

Now I guess the $25,000 question is...

you think I'm this horrible serial killer...

so why the hell would a smart gal like yourself come to the serial killer's lair

by herself... and expose my secret identity.

Now to me... that doesn't sound very constructive.

You won't kill me.

I hope you're not placing cash bets on that, sweetness.

- The neighbors saw me pull in. - Kids are in school, parents are at work.

I know these neighbors' schedules better than they do.

Trust me, nobody saw you come in here.

I have a letter. And I left it with a reliable friend.

- I'll bet. - I do.

And it tells everything I know, which is a lot.

I don't keep in touch with her every day

from now until the end of time,

it gets sent to the law enforcement agency of her choice.

Fuck!

This is just fucking great! Are you happy about this?

You know, I kill people for a living, I'm pretty

goddamn unstable to begin with!

You really think I need my head fucked with some more? 'Cause I sure don't.

So what are you gonna do? Play Wonder Woman & turn me over to the Feds?

- No. - Then what the fuck do you want, money?

In case the gold-plated mailbox out front didn't tip you off

- I don't got any. - I don't want your money.

The whole reason I tracked you down was because,

two years ago, I watched you rape and kill my best friend.

You didn't know I was there, or you would have killed me, too.

It took her two hours to die.

You stabbed her fourteen times in the chest.

All I can say is, sorry.

So what do you want, revenge?

Go for it, babe.

I want...

I want to learn how to kill.

Excuse me?

Maybe I'm a little fucked up here, maybe I... didn't hear you just right.

What did you just say?

I want to be a serial killer, just like you.

This is a fucking joke, right?

No joke.

Well, you know what you do...

You take a really sharp knife,

and you find some poor bastard that you wanna like...

kill and stuff... and you sort of fucking stab them with it!

End of fucking list. Did you get that all down, or should I recap?

- I'm being serious. - Yeah, you're being serious.

So why the hell would you come to the guy who

whacked your best friend and ask him how to kill somebody?

I mean, I thought I had fucking problems...

Because, not-so coincidentally,

I had my first orgasm that same night.

Well... I am pretty good at making a first impression...

And... because you've never been caught.

No matter how close the police got to you... they never found you.

Yeah, well... you found me.

I'm a lot smarter than the police.

Maybe. But one of the main reasons I never got caught was because

I didn't have to drag around some Lizzie Borden wannabe and show her ropes.

I don't need a partner, okay?

I'm strictly a solo act, if you can dig that.

Let me get down to business.

I want you to show me how to kill people.

How you kill people.

You do that for me, and I burn the little letter my friend has.

You don't do that, and, well...

I'll be sure to send you some tampons

when they put you in general population.

They say the first time you're anally raped, you...

bleed a lot, and... I am sure a pretty little boy like you's gonna need them.

You know, um...

I liked you a lot more when you were talking about your first orgasm.

First things first.

Teach me.

I don't smoke. Never did.

I don't trust anybody who doesn't smoke.

Well, that's really not my problem.