Shrinking

Gaby always gives me shit about my book.

This is the clearest, most concise volume ever written

about modern cognitive behavioral therapy.

That's nice. Who wrote that?

Nobody, I just thought I'd tell you.

How you doing?

Fuck.

Here we are. You know, I'm fine. I'm good.

You're a good therapist.

You already know what I'm gonna say.

Don't piss your pants.

I said good. Not great.

I know. But I feel like you meant great.

Maybe.

Look, kid, you're never gonna forgive yourself for shitting the bed as a father

until you bare your soul to Alice.

She might still blame you.

But it's the act of revelation that's healing.

That's how confession works.

Doesn't matter what Father MacDiddle says back.

It's about you admitting what you did and why it was wrong.

You know, I'm not gonna make Alice think that I'm suffering and it's her fault.

It's not gonna happen.

Okay.

What the fuck, man? That's it?

For now.

Hey, you were supposed to bring me some candy and a new hat.

Yes, they're on your desk, Paul.

Hey. I know you think this is funny, but I love this.

Okay.

Damn it.

Nice, babe.

Yeah, focus on your game. Come on.

Here comes a big one.

- Yes, baby. - I got it.

- You okay, babe? - Nice game.

But it's only 3-0.

But I can already tell you're not good enough to make it fun.

Besides, our boys are here for Thanksgiving and we got shit to do.

Gotta buy lighter fluid to burn those sheets after they leave?

They never age out of pleasuring themselves, do they?

No.

- You guys getting ready for the baby? - No rush. We got four months.

- You haven't started prepping yet? - Wow.

Are you two fucking high?

- Honestly, a little. - Did you want a gummy?

You both work.

If you don't get on the nanny search pronto,

your parents are gonna have to come help.

When we had our first,

my mom came, threw away Liz's placenta and they haven't spoken since.

- That's not the only reason. - No parents.

You keep the placenta?

- Oh, yeah. - Don't worry about it.

Well, now it's all I can think about.

Okay, calm down. I'll help with the nanny search.

You're the best. Let us know who you find.

You're gonna be there, dipshit.

Okay. One more game just to de-stress. Let's switch partners.

Low-maintenance against high-maintenance.

Let's do it, Dizzle.

Look at that. He knows who's who.

That dizzle right in the belly. Let's go.

Yeah, Mom. I know you're still angry.

You have every right to be.

I have every right to be.

- Good, so we agree. - Yeah, we do.

So can you please come to Thanksgiving?

You can go back to being mad at me again on Black Friday,

even though I think that's the day that Black families should come together.

Why are you silent? Is fucking Nikki with you?

- Your mouth. - She's so rude.

Listen, bitch, you keep your nose out of our family business,

or else I will come for you like I'm fucking Tony Soprano.

I dare you to try me. I dare you.

I will try.

Also can I, like, get your Venmo for when you stayed the extra night on Saturday?

- All good. I got you. - Thanks.

Okay, so, Mom, I can come pick you up.

I'm sorry, Gaby. I'm sorry. It...

It's just too hard right now, baby. It's too hard.

She's not coming.

What? Did you tell her that Derrick's coming?

Doesn't your mom want to meet him?

All right, Derrick's not coming either. I screwed that up too.

Did you not see my "shut-the-fuck-up" look?

I did, Liz. But in my defense, you always have that look.

I'm not sure you have another look.

There's one.

Come here.

Do you wanna bury your head in my secret big 'uns?

Liz, come on, girl. At best, those are secret mids.

You should see 'em though.

I've seen 'em like a gajillion times, you know that.

I know, but I was lying down.

- Oh, come on. - I know, baby.

- I love feeling our boobs touch. - I do too.

Look, I don't know what's going on so I'm just gonna start talking.

Here's your Thanksgiving menu.

I'm making turkey, ham, mac 'n' cheese, greens and dressing.

Holy shit. That's nice of you to cook for Gabs.

Not so nice. This dude's charging me a fortune.

- That's how it works. - But he is gonna teach me what to say

so I can pretend that I made it.

Like, "I deboned the ham."

- Nope. - Pigs have bones, Sean.

All right, I gotta head out. You wanna touch boobs too?

- Yeah, why not? - Cool.

Copycats.

Kinda hoping that since Alice basically lives with you now,

I might be able to say hey, but guess she's not here.

I'm here.

Okay, I guess I didn't know if you knew that I was here.

- I did. - Cool.

- That's rough. - Hate to see it.

Goodbye.

What up, pimp?

Hey. I need you to do me a favor.

Just let Alice know that whenever she's ready to talk, I'm around, okay?

Make it sound casual. Throw in some lingo.

You know, maybe, like, a "fam."

Fam is not cool.

- Go ahead and make it your own. - Okay.

You really give a shit, don't you?

Yeah, that's sort of my thing.

My parents aren't even here for Thanksgiving.

My mom's spending the week at Morongo.

My dad's also at Morongo but legally, he's not allowed within 100 feet of her

so when she's gambling, he's in the pool.

- And when she's in the pool... you get it. - Yeah.

Nice catching up, Summer.

See you, pimp.

Yeah, it's not good news about the meds,

but I'm processing it.

And by processing, you mean refusing to talk about it

or say how it makes you feel?

Bingo.

Hey, tell Meg I saw her new hair on Instagram.

Looks amazing.

Julie wants you to know that she's stalking you.

That's okay. She's hot.

You know what, I'm glad she's there, because the reason I'm calling, Dad...

We were so excited for you guys to fly out here for Thanksgiving but...

Mason's lacrosse team... They won today.

Which is insane because they're fucking terrible and now I have to...

We have to spend the weekend at a tournament in Maine.

What if instead of coming for Thanksgiving,

we just... we come and see you in a few weeks?

Dad, I feel so bad, I...

Don't feel bad. It's all right.

I'm disappointed.

But I'll be okay.

- I love you. - Love you too, baby.

We don't have to go to Connecticut.

We can stay here and do sweet fuck all. Best Thanksgiving ever.

You're still on the phone, Dad.

My bad.

Yeah. Yeah, your bad.

Last week, I feel like we got into it,

but this week, we're really gonna get into it, okay?

- 'Cause I am jacked off caffeine. - Yeah, okay.

Hey, go ahead. One second.

Hey, Paul. Heard you were staying in town.

Let me know if you want to come for Thanksgiving.

No. And if you tell Julie that you invited us, I'll kill you.

Thanks for the quick response.

- Hey. - Hey.

Don't forget, we're meeting for a coffee later.

Oh, come on, man. Not another "chat."

What, are you gonna hang out with your daughter?

- You've got nothing better to do. - Oh, shit.

Yeah.

Hey. Is everything okay?

Sorry, I didn't know who else to call.

What's going on?

She had us open the locked case for some Benadryl, then tried to steal Plan B.

Can we just have a minute?

What's going on?

You okay?

I'm just embarrassed.

Connor's home and we got back together and the condom broke.

I'm kind of a bouncer, so...

Fuck, no. No, no, no

I haven't called the police yet.

Okay. Listen.

She's a really good kid.

How about I just pay for this and we all move on with our lives?

Thanks, pimp.

Why'd she call you pimp?

No, no. She calls everyone pimp.

She didn't call me a pimp.

You're not a pimp.

I think she has to get to know you before you're a pimp.

Get to know you to be a pimp. Sir, is this your daughter?

- Yes. - No.

No. She's just a friend.

Actually, she's a friend of my daughter's.

Sometimes we spend time together.

How does everything coming out of my mouth make this sound worse?

- I don't know but I hate it all. - I hate it too.