Call Me Fitz

Lots of guys will end up dead on a slab in a low-rent morgue,

but once in a lifetime someone special comes along.

Unique, epic, awe-inspiring.

I'm talking about a dying breed.

A real live, guns blazing, bloody-knuckled goddamn hero.

Everybody dies,

but it took a guy with a set of stones like Richard Fitzpatrick

to show you how to live.

Make no bones about it.

Fitz was a fucking legend.

Hell, I get more pussy when I'm dead

than most guys get when they're alive.

I don't think that's appropriate.

Way to kill the mood, asshole!

We shouldn't even be writing an obituary at all, Richard.

We should be fighting to live!

Who gives a shit, Larry?

I'm going to be dead by the--

When am I going to be dead?

The beaver moon!

Oh, God, you sound like a broken record.

We've still got another 72 hours,

and you know, your death isn't a sure thing.

And the record plays on.

Suicidal tendencies are a sign of low self-esteem.

You need to realize that people value you,

and I will show you that you are a good person!

Fuck good!

Nice guys finish last, and do you know why?

Uh, yeah, because they're so busy being nice.

Because they're pussies.

Heroes burn out in a blaze of glory,

and I'm going to get mine.

Now, where was I?

I feel like an orphan, man!

Like an orphan who lost a brother.

What the fuck is wrong with you?

There's so many things I wanted to tell you.

So many things to say!

Oh, God!

Fitzy?

Larry said he was writing your obituary.

That doesn't mean I'm fucking dead!

Oh, what the fuck?

Oh, you're so solid for a ghost!

And warm!

Go walk through that wall.

How about I walk my fucking fist through your face?

Still got that old Fitzy sense of humour, eh?

So, what is it?

Is some unfinished business

keeping you chained to the earth?

Like, "Ahh!"

You know what?

Sure, I'm a ghost and I have ununfinished business.

Look, what I need is a blaze of glory worthy of the Fitz name.

What I need is to go out with a bang.

Got it.

I got a whole box here full of Fitz awesomeness.

Check it out.

Some acid, a full set of teeth.

First paycheque.

Oh, yeah!

You, me and old Mrs. Mulroney.

Mrs. Mulroney?

Now that was a fucking dream car.

Yeah, until some asshole stole her.

Eleventh grade.

I was going to beat Kyle Coxwell's

cross-county speed record.

Commercial Drive to Walker's Point in 14:28.

Wonder what ever happened to Kyle?

Fuck Kyle.

Yeah, fuck Kyle.

That record was going to be all mine.

It still can be!

Josh, you're a fucking genius!

The doctors did tell mom I was special.

Hey, is Casper as friendly as they say?

Mr. Fitzpatrick, I hate to disturb you.

I can see you're a busy man.

If you hated to disturb me,

then you wouldn't fucking do it, would you?

Come on, babe.

Shake it like you mean it!

The thing is, I'm doing a little research on your son.

Oh, maybe you can find out why he's such a fuck-knuckle.

Mm-hmm, yeah, but I was wondering,

do you remember, has he ever done anything nice?

Do I look like I have any time for jokes, kid?

Oh, I know Richie.

There was one time I had an infected uvula,

and couldn't do anything oral.

So, he let me give him a foot job, same price.

Now that is a gentleman.

Foot job? You do those?

Mm-hmm!

Take off your pants, sailor!

Come on, fuck me like you owe me money!

There she is.

Told you Kasip could find her.

- Oh, Mrs. - Mulroney, what have they done to you?

"Namaste," it means "I recognize the divinity in you."

Might as well drive a tampon.

Can I kill whoever did this?

No, no one's killing anyone, Josh.

I just want my car back.

Got your back, bro!

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

You don't want to drive sitting on broken glass.

You'll cut your bum!

Yeah, good point.

Yeah, hey?

Fucking baby seat!

Punt!

All right, let's go, Fitzy!

I'm taking her back!

Oh, yeah!

Meghan, wait, wait!

I'm trying to track down a good deed

your brother may have done for you

for his obituary.

Dick has never done anything nice for me.

You know, one time he even killed my cat!

Anything at all!

Maybe he taught you an important life lesson

when you were kids?

His name was Orange Cat.

I was 6 years old.

I came home one day from school and he was gone,

and Dick told me that he went to L.A.

to star in cat food commercials.

So, one day I brought a can of cat food to school,

you know, for show and tell?

And I said, "This is my cat!"

This is Orange Cat! And he's a star!"

And they all laughed, even the teacher.

I'm sorry for your loss.

Dick, Dick, Dick.

The only thing he ever thinks about is himself!

Maybe that's what I need to do.

You know, like Dick's got his thing.

Being an asshole cat-killer.

Maybe I need to find my thing.

You mean, like h hobby?

Yeah, a life's purpose!

Thank you, Larry!

So, nothing at all then?

Meghan?

Can you restore her to her former glory?

Fuck yeah!

In a day?

Fuck maybe.

Where have you been?

Out stealing cars, Mom.

You can see dead people too?

I thought I was the only one with the fifth sense.

I thought we went over this, Josh.

Wow!

I came here to ask Josh about your good attributes,

only to find out that you've been out stealing this vehicle?

It was mine first!

Josh is going to fix it up real nice

so I can beat Kyle Cock-socket's speed record.

Kyle Coxwell?

Didn't he race Dead Man's Curve to set that record?

That's Dead Person's Curve now.

Long story.

This dyke wiped out on her Harley and...

It's actually kind of a short story, Josh.

And what are you, the story police?

That doesn't exist.

Kyle nearly died setting that record.

So?

I'll either beat his record, or die like James Dean.

Either way, I'm a fucking legend!

Yeah!

Then, I guess I have no choice.

Bingo, Larry!

You don't have a choice!

Josh, tell him what he's won!

Well, Fitz, looks like he's won a big old bag

of "Fuck off, Larry!"

I will go to the police.

You haven't got the balls!

I have got sizable balls, mister!

Don't worry, boss. I got this.

It's go time, little man.

Okay, okay, fine!

Look, I'll make you a deal.

If I can find proof of even one good deed that you're done

by the end of tomorrow, you don't race.

Really?

Fill your boots, little man.

But until then, you leave me the fuck alone!

Deal!

Ahh!

Hello, hello, hi!

Will you go away, gangly one?

I am not in the mood for your chicanery.