Californication - Sixth Season

Previously on Californication...

You know, the weird thing is,

my husband's dead, and I'm numb.

How the fuck you doing, Moody?

My dick don't work no more. A man can only shoot

so many loads in a lifetime.

I mean, literally, you can run out.

We need one pound of your best Peruvian blend.

- We will be on our way. - I like that suit.

- Take it off. - What about your old lady?

- What about her? - What about her needs?

Wives are different.

They don't rub themselves raw like we do.

I know my husband fucks around on the road,

but we have an agreement.

I've been wanting to talk to you.

- Regarding? - An extramarital affair.

- Oh, my. - I'm still in love

- with her, Stu. - Me too.

But I will pay you to not pursue Marcy any longer.

This is a fucking disaster.

What the fuck are you guys talking about?

It's a rock opera with the tone of my book.

It's bollocks.

It doesn't have any heart,

and you have a huge heart.

Oh, I just had me

an assgasm. Oh.

Good morning, sunshine.

Your work is delightful.

Great job on the rewrite, Hank.

It really puts a smile on the face.

I love a good musical.

Warms the fucking cockles.

What the fuck are you doing here?

The missus caught me

eating one of her chocolate bars

out of the cleaning lady's vagina.

That's disgusting.

No, it was delicious.

It was Marilyn Manson's idea.

Once upon a time, according to rock legend,

mind you, Mick Jagger was caught

eating a chocolate bar

out of Marianne Faithfull's warm, gooey center.

Bowie was there too.

Of course now they all swear it never happened.

But I felt like I should try it at least once.

I'm actually surprised it's taken me this long.

By the by, Atticus,

just any idea how long you might be staying?

I hadn't really thought about it.

It could be quite a while, though.

She was fucking furious.

Almost cut my dick off.

Is this gonna be a problem, Runkle?

No.

I just-- you know, I thought

you might be more comfortable at a hotel.

Why would I be more comfortable

paying for posh lodgings

when I can stay with my manager?

For free.

Makes sense to me.

Tell me, will... Krull

be staying too?

Of course.

He's my road manager.

Anytime I leave my house,

I'm technically on the road.

Krull gets me from point "A" to point "B"

and knows where to find all my favorite creature comforts

along the way.

Where's the shitter in this place?

Ooh.

Yeah, go easy, big fella.

- Low-flow toilets. - Hey.

- We should have a party. - Why?

I'm newly single.

You've just had a major creative breakthrough.

We should fucking celebrate.

One should mark such fucking milestones.

You know, that's not really a bad idea, Hank.

The last big party I had here

was filled with smelly leather boys.

Couldn't really wash the stink off the joint.

Okay, well, where's the master?

I'm gonna rest up for tonight's shindig.

Follow the Krull.

Oh, and, Runkle, can you get a piano delivered?

And make sure there's heaps of alcohol and cocaine

and Mars bars and Astroglide.

Brilliant work, Hank.

I'm gonna go put this under my pillow

and do some dream-writing.

But first I must masturbate myself to sleep.

== sync, corrected by elderman ==

Moody.

Eddie Nero.

As I live and breathe.

Can I have a go?

I'd very much like to tackle Hank.

No, no. That's my thing.

- I'm gonna do it. - Do what?

Continue my great tradition

of bringing your words to life.

This time on the boards in front of the footlights.

- Can you even sing? - Can I sing?

I don't know. Can you?

Is there anybody alive out there?

I got serious douche chills

running up and down my spine.

I'm also a little hard, I have to admit.

I'll bet you are. Can I see it?

- - No, can I see it?

No!

Hey, pussy fart, how you doing?

Eh, all right, Eddie.

- How about yourself? - I heard you came out recently.

For a short time, yes.

He almost took a man in his mouth.

I took a man in my mouth once.

Yes, we know, Eddie.

I engineered that orgasm.

My hands, mouth, feet.

I watched his jism form a slimy St. Louis Arch

in the air before landing comfortably

on the rug in the Lincoln bedroom.

You performed fellatio in the White House?

Shh, it's not appropriate, but yes.

I had an experience

with a gent once.

He was quite pretty.

Showed up in the backstage area.

Fooled the road crew. Sure as hell fooled me.

He gave a lovely blow job.

I reached into his knickers,

felt what I initially thought to be

a slightly oversized female clitoris,

but, no, it was a gentleman's short, but quite broad penis.

I thought to myself,

"What would Bowie do?"

And then I gave up and got security to beat him senseless.

And then I felt sorry for him

and let him blow me again.

Holes is holes when all's said and done.

That's exactly what I always say.

I have big news.

Tonight I'm gonna make love to a woman.

Oh, well, maybe we should alert the media.

Entertainment Tonight or maybe National Geographic.

Well, I have been celibate for quite some time now.

I thought that I'd lost all my loads.

But they came back, and if I'm going to star

in a traditional love story, I need to remember

what it's like to come again with a woman.

And, by the way, what's the deal

with this party?

'Cause seems like it's a little bit

of a sausage fest.

Yeah, Runkle. Where are the girls?

I'm sorry. What do you mean?

I said we should have a party.

Did you expect me to send out the fucking invites,

you senseless wanker?

And what about the drugs?

- Where are the drugs? - Okay.

Atticus, well, we had good luck with the chocolate bars

and the Astroglide, but there was

a little bit of a problem with the drugs.

Fuckin' fuck, Runkle.

Jesus. Aah!

Was that a banana?

I want drugs.

I want some fucking girls

and some fucking drugs.

Drugs.

- Whoo! - Hey.

Hi.

- Hank Moody. Both: Boom.

Hey. How's my suit?

- It's aspirational. - Ah.

Gonna fit in that fucker one day.

Excellent, exce-- good luck with that.

You know, you don't have to be so fucking snarky.

Slow and steady wins the race, asshole.

I'll fit in that suit before you grow your fucking hair back.

Both: Boom!

- Frank. - Widow.

Come here.

And if it isn't the bloody warlock who turned me bum

into the happiest place on earth.

I've missed you,

you dirty, bald bastard, you.

Nice to see you, Trudy.

- How you been? - I've been well.

- I've been well, you know. - Good.

Thinking about finding me a new husband.

Oh, really?