Another Period

Previously on "Another Period"...

You are to evacuate the premises immediately.

You bitch.

Great-Grandpa Bellacourt, you're looking very dirty.

Hello?

My... my milk.

Oh...

My milk!

Oh, Mayor Cutie.

I'm so sorry I killed you.

But, to be clear, you were being a bitch.

Cutie?

Ghost!

I haven't been this scared since that time we went

to that haunted house on Cape Cod

that had the mix-and-match china.

Ooh, I shudder to this day.

One time, a ghost had sex with me in my sleep.

He was really spooky,

and he looked just like Frederick,

and he smelled like Frederick, and he was solid

and really easy to touch, and not translucent,

but it wasn't a ghost.

It was Frederick.

Frederick, who do you think the ghost is?

Well, I don't want you to panic, Lillian,

but I think you're sitting right next to her.

That's not a ghost. That's our mother.

Oh, yes. Yes, it is.

You are... right. Sorry, Mother,

you just looked so pale and ghostly.

Why thank you, darling.

The only way to properly dispose of a ghost

is to ask it nicely to leave.

I couldn't agree more, Mother. That's why I've hired

the hottest spiritualist in town to host a séance for us!

I heard the Herkimers

only got four ghosts at their séance,

and one was just a stillborn baby

who couldn't even talk.

I won't even get out of bed for less than ten ghosts.

I present Mr. Harry Houdini.

I hear you have a spirit issue?

Ooh.

Yes.

And then the ghost was gone.

Right out of thin air!

Are you sure it was real?

It was a real ghost.

My teats cried.

Oh, my God, are you serious?

You want to hear a story about a real ghost, hmm?

Well...

The man who built this house went insane.

Slaughtered his wife and children.

Chopped them up, ate gunpowder, sliced his own manhood in two,

and lit himself... aflame.

I don't like aflame.

At night, they say,

he slides into servants through their bad place.

That's... their assholes.

And do you want to know

what the name of that maniac was?

Ferwilliger Baccarat?

- Tell us, tell us! - I'll tell you.

He doesn't have a name.

You idiots.

Because he doesn't exist.

Just like ghosts don't exist.

Hmm? You stupid shitheads.

Well. Sticky Jonathan's real.

- Who is that? - Oh, Sticky Jonathan.

Well, he gets hungry if he doesn't get his macaroons.

That's why he's so sticky. That and the blood

that covers his chest. That's from his papa.

Papa was angry. He watches me while I sleep.

He sleeps forever.

You're always talking about Sticky Jonathan.

He's a figment of your imagination.

Well, if he's a figment,

then how come my stomach was all sticky this morning?

That's not... it's not...

Quit this idle chitchat!

We have a code white. We need to eradicate the ghosts

that Mr. Harry Houdini is trying to bring into this plane

with his foolish "say-on-say."

Flobelle, paint the lamb's blood above the kitchen door.

Blanche, kill yourself

so you can talk to the ghosts in their native language. Garfield, come!

That's what was on his stomach.

You think so?

Now, there are three séance packages

to choose from. The basic,

wherein I speak to the spirit but you can't hear them;

the deluxe, wherein I channel the weakened spirit...

you may speak to it,

but it will only whine in response.

Sounds like the Jewish package.

They're all Jewish packages.

And finally, the best value, best option,

top-of-the-line Champagne Excelsior package,

where I channel your loved one...

fully nude, anything goes.

We'll take the Excelsior.

We always choose the most expensive option.

- Mm, okay. - Yes, that's why I sleep

on a mattress made of one entire ruby.

It's not comfortable at all, but it's very expensive.

Wonderful. Now, let me ask you...

what do you think is haunting you?

I'm sensing...

a P...

- I (bleep) my brother! - Ooh, me too.

Except, you know, switched.

I once pushed a blind priest off of a cliff.

I know it doesn't sound like it, but trust me,

it was hilarious.

Okay... okay. Ah...

but literal hauntings. Any ghosts?

Oh, oh, I know who the ghost is.

- It's Mayor Cutie. - Oh, a dignitary.

They go at a slightly higher rate.

I will charge you...

double?

Oh, delightful. We would've paid triple.

Oh, hey... Hey there, Mister, uh...

Mr. Houdini, is it? I knew you did magic.

I... big fan, by the way, but...

I didn't realize you did conjurings too.

Yes, well, today, everyone in entertainment

has to diversify. I'm a triple threat:

magician, conjurer,

director of the New Jersey Department of Public Works.

I do magic too, actually.

That's fascinating.

I've been doing it for about eight years now.

I, uh... I mean, more seriously now

for... I, well... I've never been onstage.

I would be so honored if I could show you

some of my stuff.

I don't work with amateurs.

Do you even have a lovely assistant?

- Lovely...? - Assistant?

A confection for the eyes?

It's standard for a guy at your level...

the bottom. Like a... maybe some kind of.

Slovenian arm-wrestler, right?

With a big wooly beard,

and forearms like Christmas hams.

What? No, a lady.

It's got to be a lady. You know,

the kind you can saw in half and bang either half afterward.

It's all the same to me.

Of course. I enjoy ladies.

- Okay. - Their long, funny necks

and jagged shoulders.

I'm gonna find myself an assistant.

You can bet on it.

Who knows?

Maybe you can open up for me someday, kid.

There we are...

The spirit world and the earthly plane

should never meet.

This ghost trap will stop any ghoul in its tracks.

You know, sometimes a ghost just needs a good snack.

Sticky Jonathan loves crumpets.

Crumpets!

Ghosts must be dealt with mercilessly.

Do you know what happens to people after they die?

- They come back as daffodils. - No!

They come back as evil...

evil specters.

Now... help me stop this poltergeist.

Don't touch anything. Hmm!

But help me, boy.

But don't touch anything.

Help me, Garfield! I...

- Do not touch a thing. - I'm helping.

Shh.

No. No, no, no, no!

You're okay. Ghost Mother can't hurt you in here.

Frederick, will you be long in there?

What do you want, you fowl demon?!

Well, to have a bowel movement.

No.

No!

No, no!

No!

Beatrice, are you in here?

Beatrice!

Aw, how'd you know it was me?

Well, I'm looking right at you. How long have you been waiting there?

Oh, just for all day.

Look, I need your help.

I want you to be my assistant.

- Murder assistant? - No.

Murder has nothing to do with this task.

- Oh. - I want you to be

my magic assistant. All you have to do

is smile and wear a vest.