A Prairie Home Companion

'Market reports today'

'barrows and gilts at 220 to 260 pounds'

'are lower at $40. Uh, sows are steady.'

'300 to 500 pounds, 34 to 37 dollars.'

'Goin' over to the feeder cattle'

'beef steers, 120 to 150..'

'The way I like to do it is I, uh'

'I take one can of cream of mushroom soup'

'and then one package of egg noodles.'

'I like the egg noodles better than the Italian ones.'

'I like to put..'

'If we look at what the Lord said'

'in the "Book Of Revelation"'

'you can be sure that there's a price to pay'

'for the way of the flesh'

'and that price will be paid if you don't..'

'Here's the wind-up'

'and the pitch.'

'And it's two and two, two and two..'

'Before you just say, "Honey, I think we have to have'

'some couple's counseling." I mean, I think we've a problems.'

'I can't leave a cup here for..'

'Alright. It's time for traffic on the fives'

'and let's find out what's going on with your drive.'

'Let's go to chopper. Chopper, what's happening?'

'Alright, Lettie, we got a 15-minute, uh, wait, 494.'

'There's an accident working at the Spaghetti Junction'

'at 630, but it still will make a very slow go..'

A quiet night in a city that knows

how to keep its secrets.

But one man is still looking for the answers

to life's persistent questions.

That's me.

Or it used to be.

It was a rainy Saturday night in St. Paul

and I had just finished off a grilled cheese sandwich

with beans for a chaser

and it was time to head for work across the street.

I'm a private eye.

Noir's the name. Guy Noir.

But I'd taken temporary employment

about six years before doing security for a radio show

called A Prairie Home Companion

on account of a serious cash-flow problem

due to a lack of missing heiresses

and dead tycoons lying in the solarium

with lipstick stains on their smoking jackets.

In other words, I was broke.

This radio show was done

out of an old theater called The Fitzgerald

and it had been on the air

since Jesus was in the third grade.

But it was still pulling in a few hundred people

on Saturday nights.

It was a live radio variety show

the kind that died 50 years ago

but somebody forgot to tell them until this night.

A big corporation down in Texas

had bought up the radio station

and their axeman, a guy named Cruett,

was on his way to St. Paul to shut the thing down

and turn the theater into a parking lot.

It was curtains and everybody knew it

but nobody said so.

They were Midwesterners.

They felt like if you ignored bad news it might go away.

Not my philosophy, but I'm not from here.

Stay on the edge of the crowd. Keep your eyes open.

That's my motto.

It was my last night of gainful employment

and I had a feeling it was maybe going to be interesting.

'Ladies and gentlemen, we are now at ten minutes'

'from broadcast, please. Ten minutes.'

Molly. What.. Okay, okay.

Jesus, the schedule.

Uh..

Where's my pencil? I gotta show you some changes.

Where's my pencil? I just put it down here a second ago.

Where'd you put it last?

I just had it here a second ago.

- Oh, it's-it's-- - Don't mess with those.

Hey, hey, hey. Please, move that back.

This one will make the..

This will make the wife green-eyed with envy.

- Ooh! Is she here? - One more.

Do you think she's coming to the studio?

Cuddle up a little bit. There you go.

Hey, Guy. How are you tonight?

I need a little help from you.

Take these Johnson girl T-shirts.

Have someone take 'em up front.

I'll take care of it.

Nice tie.

'Well, it's about damn time.'

The very tardy Johnson girls.

Hey, Al.

Givin' me a heart attack here.

- What is this? Rewrites? - Come on, girls.

What's wrong with the old script?

How does that feel?

Give me a little sound effects on that one.

'Ladies and gentlemen, we are now'

'at six minutes to broadcast.'

'Six minutes from broadcast, please.'

- That's the-that's the-- - That's, uh..

Hey, Rich, that's that Honolulu mama

how she could dance in her pink pajamas

when she took off her oahu oahu oahu.

No, it's an old Carter Family song, right?

- A what? - Carter Family , sweetheart.

Just like us, only famous.

Now, how long you been doin' this?

Doin' what? Puttin' my pants on?

How long you been doin' radio?

Oh.

I don't know. 30 some years, I guess.

Started out in Mark Twain days

Mississippi River, and they hired me to play Huck Finn.

'I was running a raft on the Mississippi'

'and carrying people across, and, uh'

'it ran into the wake of a steamboat.'

Mr. Keillor? We need you on stage.

Fine. I'm right there.

Is this the story about the guy

who ends up hangin' from a kite

bein' pulled by a boat

with his shorts around his ankles?

No. No, it's a different story

about a pontoon boat.

Oh! Look at this old house.

Goodbye, old house.

Goodbye, old porch.

Goodbye, old Guy.

Hey, Guy, what are they gonna do

with this house, you think? Huh?

I figure it had something to do

with the dumpster that showed up yesterday.

Oh, my God. Honey, listen.

I brought you that cute little dress--

'I already told you, I don't like the dress.'

At least try it on. I want to see it on you.

You try it on. I don't want to try it on.

It's ugly. It's the color of vomit.

Oh, sorry.

Old man Soderberg was one of those people

who was on that raft and, uh, he went over the rail

and into the river and I went in for him 'cause he couldn't swim.

So, I pulled him out.

- You saved his life? - Well, not really.

The river was shallow at that point but he didn't know that

'cause I had hold of his ankles.

I was towing him into shore.

Hey! It's good to see ya!

- 'Four minutes from broadcast.' - I'll be right back to get ya.

'Four minutes.'

Ooh! Hey.

Hey.

Wait a minute. Where's my bag?

No, no. The bag's here.

I brought it in.

Mom, just look.

Here it is. Come on, Yolanda.

I swear to God I'm all, you know, verklempt.

- Ohh. - It's so hot.

Yeah. See? Plenty of time.

So he gave you the job at WLT.

- Well, his brother did. - 'Yeah, Art Soderberg.'

'G.K. to the stage, please.'

Art Soderberg gave you the job.

'Yeah, it was a, it was the early morning show, right?'

'Rise and Shine Show. Wilmer Scott, 5 a.m.'

Me and Dusty used to have an early mornin' show.

Is that right? Excuse me, partner.

"Breakfast at the Bunkhouse."

TV show. And, uh, it showed mostly

cartoons and stuff. Remember that?

For the kids.

'Well, this was, uh, this came on'

at 5:00 in the morning, and it was, uh, like a gospel show.

- Inspirational show. - Inspirational show.

Wilmer Scott was the host of it.

'Wasn't Wilmer Scott the famous aviator?'

- No. - Yeah.

First man to fly the length of the Mississippi solo.

- No. - I don't think so.

That was his brother Wilbur Scott.

'We're now at three minutes..'

Flew from New Orleans to Memphis

all the way up to Minnesota to Lake Itasca.

And when he got up there, he tried to fire a signal rocket

out the cockpit window but it was closed.

He became the first civilian pilot to shoot himself down.

- Ugh! - No. That was Wilbur.

- You made that story up. - Right.

'No, I'm talking about Wilmer Scott.'

Crashed into the lake at his moment of triumph.

- 'No.' - Wilmer.

- 'Wilmer. He was the host..' - 'No. This was the--'

- Right. - ”The Rise and Shine Show.“

- "Rise and Shine." - 'Yeah.'