Two and a Half Men

No, if you want to stay in that house

and drive that car, then I have to live here to save money.

No... I don't agree

that he's a bad influence on Jake.

Uh-huh...

Uncle Charlie,

I understand the point spread,

but I'm still confused about the vig.

Okay... vig is short for "vigorish"

and it means the percentage

you pay a bookie to take your bet.

So it's better to be a bookie.

Aw, my little boy is growing up.

Judith, Judith...

hang on.

I have got to stop you here

because right at this very minute,

I'm watching Charlie help Jake with math.

Well, go ahead and call your lawyers,

but I think I am well within my rights here.

Well, I don't know what Jake is telling you

about Charlie's dates,

but he is a kid and he blows things out of proportion.

Well, if by "nude swimming"

you mean she had no bathing suit on whatsoever,

then that never happened.

* Men, men, men, men, manly men *

* Men... *

I can see the clothes hamper was a wise purchase.

Berta?

No, it's Liz Hurley, but I'm holding water.

I'm still sleeping here.

Could you come back in a little while?

I could or you could get your pampered ass out of bed

and let me do my demeaning job and get on with my hellish life.

Excuse me, Berta, but the last time I checked,

you worked for me,

so I'll get up when I'm good and ready.

Sorry I had to pull rank on you.

Berta, for God's sake!

Hey, do you want clean towels?

But I'm trying to do something here.

So do it.

Well, I can't do it now.

Is something wrong?

I mean, beyond the usual demeaning job,

hellish life stuff?

You really want to know?

No, but I'm up and my bed's gone.

Okay, so I told you about my daughter, right?

You have a daughter?

I have three.

Three?

Wow.

You got to start learning to say no, little lady.

Hey, Berta. Morning.

Now, you know, I hate to criticize,

but the coffee filters you've been buying

have chemicals in them...

...and I love it!

Get out of my way.

So what's wrong with her?

Apparently, she has children.

And one of them showed up last night

and left her little girl,

who I have to drag with me everywhere

because I can't leave her alone in the house.

So you brought her here?

Yeah... is that going to be a problem?

No. That's wonderful.

Happy to have her.

So where is she?

She's playing with Jake.

Oh, good. A little playmate for Jake.

Give him something to do for today.

I just hope they're quiet,

'cause I've got a lot of work to do.

Nana, did you throw out my cigarettes again?

Oh, hell. Dear God.

Prudence, you're 16 years old.

You want to end up on one of those breathing machines

like your Uncle Chick?

Mom lets me smoke.

Oh, well why didn't you say so?

No reason I shouldn't trust

the judgment of a woman

who's off selling bootleg Metallica T-shirts

at a monster truck rally.

Mom sounds like a real go-getter.

So what am I supposed to do here all day?

You're supposed to help me clean, that's what.

Here, you can start with his toilet.

Hi.

I'm, uh, Alan.

Hi, Alan.

What kind of car do you drive?

Uh, Volvo station wagon?

What do you got?

I got nothing. Not a damn thing.

Hey, Prudence, I set up my X-Box.

You ready to play?

Sure.

Get to work, Prudence!

Maybe later, handsome.

Stupid old woman.

Isn't she wonderful?

Oh, hell. Dear God.

Well, I'd better get started on that work...

I have... to do.

Yeah, I got to catch up on some... some paperwork

that has to do with the... the office.

Oh, yeah.

Your job.

Hmm-mm.

Your...

chiropractor job.

Yeah, and you'll be, what?

You'll be writing a-a jingle?

Yeah... potato chips.

You know, the... ones in a can.

Yeah.

I like those.

All right, then...

Hmm...

I'm going over to... that piano now.

Yeah, and I'm going to go to the-the-the kitchen

and... uh... yeah.

( Charlie starts playing the piano )

Hey, you play piano?

Yes.

( Charlie starts playing again off-key )

You're pretty good.

Thanks.

Are you in a band?

No.

I used to go out with a bass player,

and he wrote this beautiful song for me called "Dear Prudence."

Yeah, that sounds like something a bass player would do.

You know, I've always wanted to play the piano.

Do you think you could teach me something?

Nope.

Nothing. Not a damn thing.

So, um...

do you have a girlfriend?

Me? Oh, yeah.

Big-time girlfriend.

We're practically engaged.

Prudence, he's old enough to be your father.

And knowing your mother, he might be.

So just wash the damn windows.

I'm not your father.

How do you stand her?

She's such a bitch.

Whoa, whoa...

don't talk like that about your grandmother.

Hey, you don't know her.

She's all sweet and nice with you.

Yeah, she's a real gumdrop.

My point is, you've got to respect her

because she loves you

and...

I've seen her pick up the stove to vacuum under it.

Oh, hey, look-- there's Rose.

My... girlfriend.

Come on in, baby!

Okay...

Rose,

this is Berta's 16-year-old granddaughter, Prudence.

Prudence,

this is my girlfriend--

who I'm free to take across state lines-- Rose.

Oh...

Wow, look at that kiss.

What? Huh?

Oh, thank God.

Berta, does Prudence have a boyfriend?

Oh, honey, don't get me started.

What does that mean?

It means if she gets a high school diploma

before she gets a baby,

she'll be the first one in the family.

I'm thirsty.

What's to drink?

The Cransylvania Goofy Juice is mine,

but you can have one.

Oh, thanks, handsome.

Is this beer for anybody?

Prudence, you're 16.

Uh, uh, you know,

Prudence, the Goofy Juice has vitamin C and calcium.

It's much better than beer for a growing body.

Not that your body needs to-to-to grow.

I'm done.

You know, Prudence,

I'm the third-fastest runner in my class.

Cool.

Spring break's over. Back to work.

Later, stud.

Boy, she smells good.

Yeah, if you like Camel filters and pheromones.