One for the Money

I'm Stephanie plum and this is my story.

I was born and raised in a blue-collar chunk of Trenton

called the burg.

Here houses are modest, yards are small,

and cars are American.

- Girls: Stephanie! - Hey, guys.

And at this point in my life, I have no food in my fridge,

$4 in checking, and I'm driving to my parents' house

in a car I can no longer afford.

- Your father needs to eat. - I'm coming!

The clock on the dash told me I was five minutes late.

And a lifetime with my mother

told me she'd think that meant I was dead.

- I thought you were dead. - Five minutes late, ma.

- What's for dinner? - Pot roast.

- Ooh. - Dried out,

but pot roast.

As for my dad, those five minutes

were spent contemplating how to kill grandma mazur

and where to Bury the body.

Guess who died? Read it today.

You'll never guess.

Jimmy... with the bumpy ears?

72, dead... electrocuted.

- Tsss! - Ma.

Oh, his poor mother.

You're not eatin'.

I got some not-so-great news.

- You found a lump. - Come on!

No. I got let go from Macy's.

- Those bastards. - Six months ago.

Six months? You're just now telling me? For the love of god.

I know, I know.

And I got maybe 10 minutes left with that car, so...

That's my news.

- - Ohh.

What I need to get is a...

- job. - Husband.

Bernie kuntz is single.

Ma, I had a husband. I didn't like it.

I don't want another one. Yes, a job.

'Cause as hard as it is to imagine,

there's just not a lot out there

for a department-store lingerie manager.

Grandma: Well, you'd think there would be.

Who wouldn't enjoy a nice thong?

Ridiculous.

Aw, nobody panic.

- It's just them towing my car. - What?!

I thought you said 10 more minutes?

Stephanie: My judgment's a little screwy.

Grandma: Good judgment is for sissies.

I can't take it anymore.

Little f.Y.I.:

Your cousin is looking for someone to help with the filing.

- Which cousin? - Vinnie.

Oh, he tried to make out with me at my own wedding.

Ugh! He's a flawed individual.

Ugh.

Stephanie: This is my place.

The appliances predate my grandmother,

but it suits me.

I hate to tell you, Rex, but you're going nowhere.

That's official.

Tada!

Gram.

You need to look through that peephole before you answer the door.

I coulda had an axe or worse.

Wanna come in?

Uh... ahh...

Not so much.

Got a little something for you...

big blue.

Gram, I can't take big blue. And how'd you get here?

You don't have a driving license.

What, are you gonna ride a bus like a gypsy?

People ride the bus all the time.

Well, not when they could be riding in style.

All right. Thank you.

You might want to run a comb through your hair.

- You'll feel better. - I feel fine.

Okay, run a comb through your hair and I'll feel better.

Now go get some clothes on and give me a ride home, hmm?

Go go.

Stephanie: This is my cousin Vinnie's business.

Every scumbag and sleazeball in Trenton has passed through here,

but anything's better than marrying Bernie kuntz.

So here I am.

Stephanie plum, swear to Christ,

I thought you were here to make bail. That would have been sad.

You look confused. It's me... Connie rossoli.

You graduated central with my little sister Tina.

Tina rossoli. Holy crap, how's she doing?

- Not good... big as a house. - Eh.

Enough about me and mine. You're here to see Vinnie regarding what?

I heard you guys had a filing job?

- Nah. - Nah? What do you mean nah?

Nah, we moved some files into storage last week...

two days' work. It was a crappy job... spend all day on your knees.

If you're gonna spend that much time on your knees,

you could find something that pays better. Know what I mean?

Yeah. You guys got anything... full-time, part-time, freelance?

Just till I get my feet back on the ground?

Maybe Vinnie will let you do some skip chasing.

How comfortable are you with the lowlifes?

I sold lingerie for three years in Newark.

You're good to go.

Tell you what... morty beyers is down for the count...

ruptured appendix, disgusting.

These are his cases.

- Can I look at 'em? - Mm-hmm.

"F.t.a."?

Failure to appear... skipped out on bail.

Bring him in, you get 10% of the bond.

- Adds up. - Yeah. I could do this.

I don't know, Steph. You're dealing with criminals. I gotta say no.

I can either apprehend criminals or become one.

- That's where I'm at, vin. - It's that bad?

Yeah. Joe morelli skipped out on bail?

No no no, nuh-uh, you stay away from that. I'm in for half a million.

- I'd give it all up to put his ass in jail. -

Give it all up? You got nothing left to give.

Remember, you just said you had nothing left to give, so...

- It's a figure of speech, vin. - I remain unconvinced.

- - All right.

Take a couple of civil cases of morty's, all right?

But you stay away from Joe morelli. You'll muck it up;

I'll lose my business; His mother will lose the house. Only bad'll come of it.

- I need the 50 grand. - No.

You stuck your tongue in my mouth at my wedding.

I was drunk, okay?

I was drunk and you resembled someone else. That was nothing I did.

I was wearing a big white dress and a veil.

- I gave you a job. Get. - You know,

I used to get my nails done by this very chatty manicurist

who moonlights as a dominatrix, of all things.

How chatty?

Deeply chatty. How's your wife?

Stephanie: There's some men who enter a woman's life

and screw it up forever.

Joe morelli did this to me.

He was the big catch in our neighborhood

and I thought I caught him when I gave him my virginity

on the floor of the tasty pastry bakery I worked at when I was 17.

Unfortunately for me, he never called after.

Joe!

Unfortunately for him, I hold a grudge.

It's not like I really thought he was gonna open the door,

follow me to the station and I'd collect a bag of money, but...

- woman: Can I ask you a question? - What?

What if he's innocent?

It's not my problem, Mary Lou.

You're my oldest friend, Stephanie. Let it go.

Crap. Mooch morelli just pulled in here.

Oh wow, did he lose like 70 lbs?

Yeah, lap band. He got tired of being known as Joe's fat cousin.

Now he's known as Joe's ugly cousin.

It's so unfair.

Nah, I think he looks better. You're not being very nice.

Will you hang up the phone and go check the car for clues?

Great.

Oh, shit shit shit shit shit shit.

Play it cool, Steph. Play it cool.

Stephanie: Luckily, mooch's car wasn't too hard to follow.

It was pretty flashy

and yellow.

I think I found my guy.

Now all I have to do

is come up with a plan to bring him in.

- Hey! - Ah!

- What do you want? Huh? - Morelli?

Morelli.

- God. - Oh Jesus.

Stephanie plum? What the hell?

Wow, still charming.

Oh, says the girl who ran me over with a car.

That was an accident. My foot slipped.

Accident my ass. You jumped the goddamn curb,

broke my leg in three different places.

I think of you every time it rains.