Family Guy

¶ it seems today that all you see ¶

¶ is violence in movies and sex on tv ¶

¶ but where are those good old-fashioned values ¶

¶ on which we used to rely? ¶

¶ lucky there's a family guy ¶

¶ lucky there's a man who positively can do ¶

¶ all the things that make us ¶

¶ laugh and cry ¶

¶ he's... A... Fam... Ily... Guy! ¶

Hey, what are you doing with my laptop?

Going through your stuff.

Why are you getting mapquest directions

To abigail breslin's house?

I just think she's a one-of-a-kind spirit,

And I don't want to see her go down the wrong...

What the hell are you doing going through my personal stuff?

You should really clear your history.

I noticed you googled yourself, you egomaniac.

Whoa, whoa, th-that wasn't me.

Maybe lois got on there. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

She's fascinated by things that are going in my life, oh. Oh, yeah.

And... Fine, I googled myself, okay?

You got me. But check this out.

I found a web site for a group called

The rhode island society for special literary excellence,

And they happen to have chosen to read and discuss my book,

Faster than the speed of love.

See? I knew it was just a matter of time

Before somebody would recognize my genius.

Whoa, take it easy.

You're getting a bigger head than chris matthews.

The economy's in the news today, and congress is considering

A minimum wage increase.

Live by satellite to talk about it,

Senator harry reid in washington.

How about it, senator reid-- is this the right move

During the worst recession since the 1930s?

Look, if we're gonna get this economy back on track,

We have to get more money in the pockets of hard-working

Republicans are saying this increase is gonna, in fact, americans who are the backbone

Put more people out of work and make it harder of the american economy,

For american employers to compete instead of lining the pockets

In the global marketplace. Of the ultra-rich who are the people who caused this collapse.

Wouldn't it? Senator, wouldn't it... Senator... Chris, if-if I could just...

Senator, let me finish. Chris? If I could j... Chris, if I...

My forehead, my rules.

Let's go to los angeles.

Big actor, played the father in that 70's show,

Kurtwood smith.

How's it going, kurtwood?

Good. Thanks for having me.

Quagmire, it's so awesome that you could come over after work today.

I know. I'm so psyched.

Hey, let's make some kool aid!

No, we got to wait for lois to do it.

No, we don't-- I know how to make kool aid.

No, quagmire! We're not a'sposed to...

Lois (calling): I'm home, peter!

Oh, hi, glenn...

Peter, can you help me with the...

Oh, peter griffin!

Peter, you come out here right now and clean up this mess!

No! You said I could have two friends over,

And I didn't-- joe couldn't come!

So I only had one friend over,

And it was just me and quagmire,

And I said we could make kool aid

Instead of the other friend!

You come out here right now!

Bonnie's way cooler than you!

Joe has computer games!

Peter, it took me a half hour

To clean up all that kool aid.

I am sick as hell of you constantly making a mess

Of this house and having to clean up after you.

So I hired a maid.

What, are you nuts? We don't have the money for that.

Oh, really? And what about the peter copter?

Did we not have money for the peter copter?

Hey, did I say anything when you bought that iron?

Whatever. I want you to meet consuela.

Consuela, this is my husband, peter,

And these are our children.

Oh. Hello, mr. Peter.

Hello, mr. Children.

Consuela's gonna be our new housekeeper.

Why is she wearing makeup like she's going out?

Is this "going out" for them?

Hey, where you going all dressed up?

Oh, nowhere important.

Just this special dinner in my honor.

It's being thrown by the rhode island society

For special literary excellence.

What's that?

Nobody said anything, brian.

Oh, I thought someone just asked why they're honoring me.

No. Nobody asked that. Oh, okay.

I-it's no big deal-- it's actually,

It's just you remember the book I wrote,

Faster than the speed of love?

They loved the book so much,

They want to give me their most prestigious award.

Mmm.

Look, this is a really big deal.

It'd be nice to get some support around here!

Oh, I'm sorry, brian. That's great news!

: Yeah, what channel will the awards ceremony be on?

Oh, are they having an awards ceremony

For how well you did the dishes last night?

Ha! You got nothing going on.

Hi, brian.

I'm kathy from the book society.

So glad you could come.

Hi there. Uh, you know,

I wasn't sure I had the right address.

Pizza parlor, huh?

: Yeah. The group loves this place.

Oh, hey, this is fine. I-I like this place.

It's... I'm a...

I'm a pizza dawg.

So, how long have you been a member

Of the rhode island society for special literary excellence?

Oh, no, I'm not a member; I'm their chaperone.

Chaperone? Yeah, uh-huh.

We're in that section right over there.

Hey! There he is!

It's brian griffin!

Damn it, randy!

You just spilled my juice box!

Oh.

They absolutely love your book.

The simplistic writing style is very graspable to them.

Here's your award-- I made it all by myself.

Thanks.

Hey, brian! Smell my finger!

I-I... I... I already can.

Lois was right-- I'm not a writer, I'm a joke.

I'm one big, fat, ridiculous joke.

Well, maybe you just didn't try hard enough, brian.

You know what, father from "family circus"?

All you do is judge other people.

Every day in the funnies, all you do is judge.

Why don't you shut your damn mouth for once

And go home and (bleep) your wife in the face!

You know what?

That's exactly what I'm gonna do.

: Ah, almost home.

Oh, my god!

Oh, please be okay, please be okay, please be okay.

Oh, thank god!

Okay, you're gonna be okay, you're gonna be o...

Oh, my god!

Oh, my god, yes!

Brian killed a dog!

This is fantastic!

Oh, mr. Swanson is sleep-dragging again.

I'm flying.

I'm flying!

I clean in here? Uh, yeah, that's fine.

I'm just reading the funnies, so keep it down.

This is a very shocking "family circus."

Radio announcer: Es el tiempo para muchos hornos!

Muchos hornos!

¶ muchos hornos ¶

¶ muchos hornos ¶

¶ muchos hornos ¶

¶ muchos hornos ¶

¶ ai, ai, ai, ai, ai, ai ¶

¶ ai, ai, ai, ai, ai, ai, ai, ai, ai, ai, ai, ai... ¶

There you are!

Uh, what?! Well, you're jumpy.

So, did you hear all that noise last night?

I swear to god, it sounded like

Somebody had an accident and maybe somebody got hurt.

What? Wh-what are you talking about?

Yeah, something must've gone done.

The cops were poking around.

What do you mean, like-like joe?

No. Staties, man, staties.

I wouldn't be surprised if there's something in the paper about it.

Oh, my god!

: Yeah? Uh, yes, I'm calling

About the ad in the paper?

You seen my dog? You callin' about my dog?

He's all I got, 'cause I'm a young street tough,

And my parents ain't so good to me.

So, have you heard anything?

Did anybody see anything? Or anybody?

I can see ol' reggie now,

Sittin' there with a smile on his face,

Listenin' to me talk about how daddy beats me somethin' fierce.

Okay, so sounds like no leads, then, right?

Oh, no, no.

Doggy out. What?

Out. Afuera. I live here.

No, no. Afuera.

But, look, I'm trying...

Aah! (grunts)

¿hola?

Stewie: Yes, could you please put brian back on?