The Family Jewels

Mousie, what's all the racket out there? Take a look.

It's a bunch of kids playing baseball, little kids.

Here it comes.

Hey, did you see a ball...

Oh, there it is!

You're out!

All right, all right.

All right, yes, it was very nice, and you're wonderful.

But if you don't please take that mask off,

- you're gonna break my whole head. - Oh.

Willard, you're my real hero. You're just the greatest.

- No, you are the best. - No, no, no, you.

No, you are. What's the difference? We're late, and we have to get going.

Oh, Willard, can't they wait?

No, not this time, darling. It's very important. Now, come on.

- I know. - Start unwinding. Let's go.

Today was the best game, I think, of all of the games, don't you?

Sure.

Yeah, I liked it the best, too. All right, down you go.

Come on, honey, we don't want to be late.

Okay, I'm hurrying.

Buttons, buttons.

There you are.

Get your gloves, honey.

Don't forget, pants.

After you.

You're looking divine, Miss Peyton.

Thank you, Willard. You're not so bad yourself.

A 10-year-old girl has got to pick a new father

- from a group of five nutty uncles. - They are not nutty.

Eccentric, maybe.

Why don't you relax? After all, it was his last wish.

Let's respect it and get on with it.

Now I have prepared some brochures on each one of the nutty uncles.

On each one of the uncles.

The information should give us some idea

of what we expect from each one.

- What about the money? - What about it?

He left her $30 million.

People can do funny things for $30 million, even brothers.

We shall be quite vigilant.

I find it hard to believe that any one of her uncles

would try to become her father just to get the money.

That gangster uncle, the one nobody ever talks about,

he'd boil her in oil for a roll of nickels.

Uncle Bugsy is quite dead.

Missing.

They didn't find the body.

And if my early law-school training hasn't failed me,

that makes him missing.

Bodies don't float when encased in cement!

That was only police speculation.

The police were after him, which was bad enough.

But the mob was also after him for his remarkable singing ability.

And that's almost as dead as you can get right there.

In addition to which, they found his bullet-riddled

and bloodstained car by the river.

Now you can call that missing if you want. I call it deceased.

Period!

- Yes? - Willard and Donna are here.

Send them in.

What under the sun are you doing?

The girl lost her father. Don't we show a little respect?

It's been months.

She's been at boarding school with her friends

and is quite used to the idea by now. Take that thing off.

Yeah, you might be right.

He bumped in...

Wait, I'll...

You could save it for later.

Maybe we could get it weaved.

They're hard to smoke when they're wet, so...

If you let it out... If you wanna save that part...

Here, I'll take it all.

Are you mad? Yeah. He's mad.

I'm awfully sorry, Mr Lyman.

Where you two been? You're late.

- Eating. Shopping. - Shopping. Eating.

- Who won? - We did.

Willard jumped the fence and got the ball and...

- How did you know? - Never mind how I know.

I guess you'll be glad to be out of school for the summer, right?

Yeah, I'm very glad about it because...

I was talking to Donna!

Yes, I am very happy to be out of school for the summer,

and I am looking forward to meeting my new father.

Very good, sweetheart.

I'm glad you're glad to be looking forward

to meeting your new father.

Well, Donna, I've taken care of all the details, and I see no reason

why you and Willard can't get started right away.

I think all of us know exactly how you feel,

and your happiness in this matter is our number-one concern.

Willard.

I will remind you once again.

Donna is to spend two weeks with each of her uncles, alone.

I don't want you influencing her decision.

Oh, I understand. All right.

Now, I've prepared a brief history on each of your uncles.

Willard can read them to you as you go along.

You can read, Willard, can't you?

Very funny.

Well, I merely thought since you hadn't mastered

the difficult task of dressing yourself,

reading might even become a bigger problem.

Well, I was in a hurry.

If I may continue.

Now, remember, Donna,

you will have to decide on one of these men.

It was your father's wish that you have some choice in the matter.

I know that you'll make the right one.

Willard?

- Yes, honey. - I meant to ask you,

why did we have to stop at a hotel tonight?

Well, we couldn't drive all night, honey. We have to get some sleep.

Oh, are you going to play some music?

Oh, yeah, I'm going to play some music.

- Good, I like music. - Good, you'll like bed, too,

because you have a very big day ahead of you tomorrow.

Oh, Willard.

Teeth.

Ears.

Neck.

Hands.

Lips.

- Good night. - Good night.

Scoot, scoot.

Willard, you're a hero.

I'm what?

It says here, right in the paper, in this paper right here.

Let me see.

It says all about how you fought a bunch of robbers

in Halloween masks who were trying to rob a bank truck.

Yeah, I see. Some hero. I didn't even know it.

And it's a good thing.

If I did, I would have been scared.

Hey, there's something about you here, honey.

- Really? Something about me? - Yeah, listen.

''Industrialist's daughter to pick new father.

''Donna Peyton, daughter and sole heir

''of the late Lloyd C. Peyton, millionaire industrialist,

''is about to visit the first of her five uncles

''for the purpose of picking a new father from among them.''

''The five uncles, who are located in all parts of the country,

''will have a chance to get to know the little girl.

''She'll spend two weeks apiece with them.

''She'll be accompanied on her journey by the family chauffeur and bodyguard.''

That creep!

Well, young lady, I suppose you'll want to know all about me

and what I do and think and all of that blarney, huh?

Oh, no, sir. I already know all about you.

- You do, huh? - Captain, boilers are okay.

The boilers are okay!

At eight bells!

Hey there, fasten that mainsail and batten down the...

- How do you know about me? - Willard told me all about you.

Hoolard?

No, Willard. The man who brought me here.

You see, he has this folder with things in it about all my uncles.

And he's smart, too.

You... You like him a lot, huh?

Like Willard? I love him.

I wish he was one of my uncles. I'd pick him for my father.

I see.

I didn't mean to hurt your feelings, Uncle James. I like you, too.

Maybe you'll be my father. Who knows?

Yeah. Who knows?

Maybe you wouldn't even want to be my father.

Oh, matey. Sure! I'd love to be your father.

But this is no place for a...

A little girl.

Gets awful rough and dangerous out here sometimes.

Dangerous?

Yeah, but not like the old days, like in the days of war.

- Were you in the war? - Yeah, I was in the war.

Oh, them were the good old days.

Could you tell me about some of the things that happened to you?

Well, there was this one incident during the early days of the war

on a North Atlantic run.

Our gallant ship took a torpedo just below the water line

in a hold full of high explosives.

But due to a faulty fuse, it failed to explode.

Being the only qualified man to handle such a task,

I shoved my fellow sailors aside and informed my beloved chief

that I, and I alone, would volunteer.

He smiled warmly.

I pointed out that this was one of the new Mark Nines

with an inverted coaxer, and that removing it was a job

for an experienced man with nerves of steel.

With a knowing grin,

the chief handed me my trusty toolbox.

However, my buddies couldn't let me do it.

They insisted on staying on with me. However, I stood firm.

And so reluctantly and silently, they walked out of that hold

to the comparative safety of another part of the ship.

I bent to the task of removing that delicate fuse.

The tools became literal extensions of my surgeon-like hands.

"Dexterity" became a watchword. The ticking continued.

How long did I have? A minute?

Suddenly, something gave.