I Feel Bad

Okay, no, you look young in photos.

I swear I'm always saying that about you.

Oh, my God, have we already been talking two hours?

Hey, you know where we've never made love?

Oh!

Sorry, it's your mom, and she says try the laundry room.

Okay. All right. Bye, Mom.

Weird talk. Love you.

- - Aw, thank you so much, Irene.

Oh, I can't wait to tell David. Okay, all right, talk soon.

You know those crazy people who love their in-laws?

That's me.

- Honey, guess what. - Mm?

Your parents are gonna come into town for Hanukkah.

- - Yeah, they want

to throw a little gathering...

You know, family a few friends.

They're gonna come here? That's great.

Wait, they're coming here? That's not great.

We are not ready for that.

We go there, we amp up the Judaism so they think we're more observant.

But if they're coming here...

David's right... my mother-in-law is super into her culture.

So we lean into it for her benefit.

Yep, you're right.

- We've got work to do. - We do.

Okay, let's start with the kids.

- They're great liars. - Good point. Okay.

Hey, guys. Guys, guys, guys.

- Listen up. Okay. -

- Yeah. - Hey.

- - No.

Lily, you remember the prayer we say

before Shabbat dinner when we go to Nana and Pop Pop's house, right?

Do I remember the what before the what now?

Shabbat, dummy.

Shabbat's the little beanie hat that won't stay on, you schmuck.

You're a schmuck, schmuck.

All right, well, at least they know one word of Hebrew.

- That's not Hebrew. - Okay.

All right. We are pulling out all the stops to convince my in-laws

their grandkids are growing up in a culturally rich Jewish-ish home.

All right, you guys, repeat after me.

- - Good.

Barack la-blah gla blah la la?

Not as good.

Wow, their Hebrew's almost as bad as their Hindi.

We are asleep at the cultural wheel.

We got to get better at this stuff.

Okay, honey, I would love to do better,

but who's got the time?

I mean, we're barely getting through the basics.

Have you seen how long the baby's nails are?

Oh, yeah, I used them to open mail the other day.

Ooh! I am gonna put this bad boy up.

I'm gonna get my tools. No, I'm gonna glue it.

Hey, you guys, come help me glue the mezuzah.

- Both: Sure. - All right.

Transforming our home is easy.

The hard part is my mom.

She doesn't even know my in-laws are coming.

And if she knew we put this much effort

into David's parents' culture, she might call us out.

What's with the candelabra, Liberace?

How do you walk so softly?

I've got to take your key back.

So now you care about holidays.

What about Diwali?

We celebrated Diwali.

- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.

You lit one diya, ordered takeout,

and half-assed a prayer.

You're always too busy for our traditions.

Suddenly you have plenty of time for Hanukkah?

God, she's sharp.

I got to flush her ginkgo biloba.

Think, Emet, think.

What? Hanukkah?

Oh, is that what this is for? Oh, no, no, no.

See, I thought this was just a fancy candleholder,

and you know me, I can't resist a good sale.

Hmm. Everybody tells me I have a gambling problem.

But you're the one with the problem.

You are a shopaholic addict.

Truth.

Okay, she can keep her gingko,

'cause that was pretty easy.

Here you go, guys. Take that.

- Free bacon? - Yeah.

Hell, yeah.

Yeah. Did a pork sweep.

My in-laws are coming, so I'm Jewish this week.

I don't think they even mind bacon,

but why take the chance? God, I'm stressed.

Yeah, 'cause you're lying.

No. 'Cause I could get caught lying...

by my mom.

Living a double life is tricky.

And I should know.

I'm pretending to be an American at the moment

to try and woo the new girl, Amelia.

Oh, man, I would marry her tomorrow.

I'd marry her brains out.

- Chewey? - Yeah?

Girls love English accents.

Yeah, but she's English.

And you know the old saying.

You can't impress a vicar with a Bible verse.

- That's not a saying in any country. - Nope. Nowhere.

Anyway, she likes American blokes.

So, as long as I'm not outed, I should be fine.

Plus, I've got Griff and Norman here.

- They've got my back. - Oh, yeah.

No, I'm actually very uncomfortable with this.

So see you later!

All right, here she comes.

Well, howdy, Amelia.

All right, all right, all right.

Hey, sweet McConaughey, bro.

Living a double life seemed like a lot of work,

so I decided to just get my mom out of the picture.

What are you doing?

We are watching "That is Them."

No, I know. Guys, listen.

I won a raffle last night at GamePunch

for a three-night vacation, but I can't go.

Kids, work, you know how it is.

I thought you guys could go.

I don't have the energy to travel.

I take care of your kids.

Do you know how exhausting it is to be a mother of three?

Oh, that's right... you don't,

because I do it.

Okay, no problem.

I'm sure I can find somebody else

to go to Deuces Gone Wild Spa and Casino

to see Paula Abdul perform.

Oh, Sonny.

Get my lucky visor.

Ooh, I love Paula.

But, darling, with your sometimes uncontrollable

enthusiasm for games of chance,

can we afford it?

Oh, did I not mention the room comes with a $300 comp to the casino floor?

Straight up, now tell me all the details.

Who am I hurting really?

My mom and dad get a little vacation,

and I get my perfect Jewish holiday.

Wait, that's a Christmas song.

I better do more research.

David's parents were on their way

and the house looked great.

Uber's coming around the corner right now.

- Okay. - You know, I'm not the natural-born

liar that you are.

You sure they're gonna buy this? They're gonna buy this, right?

Yes, of course. Look, Jewish cultural signifiers, check.

- Okay. - More food

- than anyone can eat, check. - True.

Tiny Indian-woman-sized weight off my shoulders,

- check. -

- Both: Yeah. -

All: Hi!

- Hi, guys! - Hello.

Oh, it's so good to see you.

- Hi. - Hey!

- Good to see you. - Hi, baby.

Give me that baby.

- Try and lift me. - No.

- I've lost four pounds. See if you can tell. - No.

- I can tell just by looking at you. - Okay.

- - Oh, my gosh.

- Dad? - Oh, here give him to me.

- Dad, help me. - Sure, sure.

Emet, look at you, my God.

That dress makes me believe in red again.

Oh, Irene.

Oh, that comment makes me believe in myself again.

My mother asked if it came with a time machine

because I could only pull it off 20 years ago.

- She said that? - Yeah.

Maybe she has a tumor.

My aunt said all kinds of things when she had a tumor.

- I'll get you the name of her doctor. - Okay.

Look at my son.

I made a handsomer David than Michelangelo.

- Pop Pop! - Hey!

- Nana! - Hey, guys!

- Aw. - Lily-billy.

Oh, look at the hair on this one.

You look like Joey Ramone.

You know, Joey Ramone was Jewish.

Not a lot of people know that.

Okay. Time to show off

Lily and Louie's fake Hebrew-school training.

So, Lily, Louie,

how do we say hello to Nana and Pop Pop?

"Shamone"!

"Shamone"? That's Michael Jackson.

It's shalom, Louie. Look alive, man.