Xena: Warrior Princess

Hail the jewel.

Well, hello handsome.

Now, I know what you want,

but I'm afraid a broken heart is all I can give you at the moment.

We need to talk.

Talk is cheap... I have an expensive ear.

You are a very persistent woman. But this is mine.

I stole it... I have uses for it.

Now, what would I want with a melted chunk of rock sugar ?

Sure looked like a diamond, didn't it ?

Well, I applaud your attempt, but it's not quite that easy to catch...

the King of Thieves.

This is not good...

Not easy to catch, but... not impossible.

- Xena, right. - On your feet.

No, this is fine.

I hope you have a very good reason for this.

I want you to steal the most valuable object in the world.

Well... things are looking up.

In a time of ancient gods...

...warlords...

...and kings...

A land in turmoil cried out for a hero...

She was Xena...

a mighty princess, forged in the heat of battle...

...The power...

...The passion...

...The danger...

Her courage will change the world...

Tying my hands is really unnecessary.

I said I would listen to your proposition.

And it's not like you would lie to us now, is it ?

I haven't yet.

Didn't Hercules tell you I was an honorable man ?

Well, at least cover my hands. It's embarrassing ! for Zeus's sake.

Thank you.

- Do you know Malthus ? - Malthus, the warlord, I'm assuming.

Yes, his island is just off the coast.

- I don't steal from him, by the way. - He's afraid.

No... we have an arrangement...

I don't steal from him, and he doesn't gouge my eyes out with hot pokers.

It's... worked out very well so far.

How clumsy of me !

Malthus has stolen a valuable chest. He plans to auction it off this week.

What makes this chest so valuable ?

Oh, it's covered with jewels and gold-leaf.

It contains the most powerful weapon this world has ever known.

- What kind of weapon ? - I don't know...

I just know it exists. So does Malthus.

The people coming to bid are the most ruthless villains alive.

I want that chest.

You don't exactly strike me as the... mercenary type.

That chest is very important to some friends of mine.

I promised to return it to them. Will you help ?

No.

Not because I wouldn't want to do your bidding... that's another subject...

but as I explained before, Malthus and I have an arrangement.

Well, the dagger was a nice touch,

but it took me about oh, all of four seconds to get around it.

That, however, was very good.

Oh, for the love of Zeus.

A really good thief would jump at the chance to steal from Malthus.

Well, only if he deserved the reputation as the greatest thief that ever lived.

I thought Hercules said it was this guy.

Apparently, he was wrong.

I heard that Malacious of Amphese is good and available.

You're trying to use my ego against me.

- I didn't think it would work. - No, it worked... I'll do it.

Not for money, though I'll take a reward...

But mainly because I am... The King of Thieves.

You will certainly have the gratitude of my people.

Your gratitude is all any man could ever want...

However, this particular man

- has financial needs. - Is money the only thing in your life ?

I believe it is... Now we were talking about a reward.

2000 now, 2000 later.

Obviously, no expense has been spared.

It's all they have.

This thing means a lot to you ?

It's hard to explain. Have you... ever known anything that defines...

what you are as... a person and a people ?

It may be just metal or... jewels and stone... to others.

But, to us, it's who we are.

You've hired the best. You'll get it back.

Sinteres is rich and he's feared. He hires himself out as the ultimate assassin.

If anybody can afford this auction, he can.

That's why you're going as him.

Reputation and wealth, well that's good cover.

And where is our friend at the moment ?

Wrapped in an overthrow of Hytillus,

we should be done before he gets back.

Sinteres dresses very well.

Oh, I like this ring.

That's mine. I got it from a beautiful princess.

- Was it a gift ? - You're so young.

So, tell me more about this... Sinteres.

Well, I've only heard a few stories,

but he's known as the Warrior Philosopher.

Everything he says sounds philosophical.

- He always chews on toothpicks. - Toothpicks ?

He's deadly... he once killed a man with only a rose petal.

Interesting... toothpicks.

I'm going along as your assistant.

Sinteres isn't known to have one, but I don't think anyone'll ask questions.

Well, let's hope he's at least

as debonair and charming as I am, or no one will be fooled.

This guy's incredible. I mean... yes, he's good-looking, but give me a break.

Look, we should be done in three or four days... and then we won't see him any more.

I think I've found your disguise...

the assistant to Sinteres would wear no less.

Any less and there wouldn't be.

Stick to the philosophy and not the fantasy.

I must tell you... I'm not very fond of water.

You sure this leaky tub is the right one ?

- Yes, I'm sure, Lord Sinteres. - Lord Sinteres ? Sinteres ?

The journey to the island will take all night.

My master, Malthus, has provided food for the journey.

- We leave momentarily. - Tell us about the weapon.

Malthus will answer your questions, I will answer none.

I'm Magmar of the Gauls.

And I want you should know... I don't fear you.

You must excuse my lord.

It's been a long journey, and we're very tired.

The fact that he plays with you is a good thing.

It means he likes you.

Strange humor.

Magmar can tell a joke from a challenge.

And a challenge with humor brings...

mirth without blood.

- Allow me to introduce my assist... - Concubine... Cherish.

She's just a little nervous, you see, because, she's never been on a ship before.

So, I bought her some new clothes.

Why don't you go below decks and slip into this ?

You'll feel much better.

Isn't she something ?

Of course, the trick in killing someone with an apricot...

is really in the wrist.

The drawback is it kills instantly,

so there's no time to gather information.

So for situations like that, well, I use a muffin.

Is that what you used to kill Neolos ?

Neolos...

well I... I've killed so many, so many ways,

apricots, muffins, those...

little things that keep your shirt together instead of buttons.

I can't recall.

But know this...

that bastard Neolos died a death that was long and painful.

He was my brother.

Yes, well, of course, I must be thinking of the other Neolos.

Perhaps, you were.

Well... very nice...

like the gentle dew of the morning breath...

clinging lightly to your heaving...

Might I have a word with you alone, Lord Sinteres ?

What do you think you're doing ? 'Concubine ?'

Oh, come on... Do you really think those people would believe

that someone like Sinteres would have someone like you without...

- having someone like you ? - Just you watch it.

- That really is a good look on you. - Don't start with me, now.

Sinteres... this is for Neolos.

Hold on !

No one kills a member of my family... without paying a price.

You should raise your prices.

Now, my problem is a vexing one...

kill you, and ruin a beautiful, starry night...

or just injure you to prove a point.

You're still more myth than man...

and I'm the one to prove it.

Don't look at me.

Well... that worked up an appetite.

And hunger is the gods' way of saying...

'Eat' !

And I said... no need to worry. It was a stuffed chief of the guards !

Where's your woman ? Did she drown ?

No, no, she didn't drown. She should be here momentarily.

She's newly-conquered territory. You know how it is.

Virgin grounds of rubbish !

Yes, you see, a... a woman's chastity is like a new hat...

A beautiful thing that's...

going to kill me.

What took you so long my dear... finishing up my laundry ?

Yes...

you left something hanging on the line.

Ah... yes. Well, I knew you could take care of it.

Come, sit, and grab those grapes while you're at it.

A little something sweet for after dinner ?

So... Lord Sinteres, what have we learned about this weapon ?

Does it really matter ? How about some grapes ?

Malthus will be greeting his visitors in one turn of the sand-glass.

If you should need anything... knock on the door and ask the guard for me.

Arkel doesn't want us wandering around his master's castle.

Nice. Comfy...

Well, Malthus certainly is the host.

We're not here to enjoy ourselves.

Any ideas how you're gonna get that chest ?

What makes you think Malthus is just gonna let everyone go once it's missing ?

Magmar told me that his former boss has got a big ego...

almost as big as yours.

Nothing... is as big as mine.