The Funhouse

Joey!

Joey!

Joey!

Just for that, I'm not taking you to the carnival on Saturday.

And while I'm there tonight, you think about this.

I'm gonna get even with you. You're not gonna know when or where,

but I'm gonna get you so bad you're never gonna forget it!

Never!

Never!

'The bride of Frankenstein!'

What time is it, Daddy?

It's after nine. Listen, I don't know where you're going tonight,

but I don't want you to go to that damn carnival.

It's the same one that went through Fairfield last year,

when they found the bodies of those two little girls in Parsons Creek.

I don't see why you wanna waste your time

with a guy who works in a filling station to begin with.

It's our first date, Mum, we're not getting married.

Can't even pick you up at a decent hour.

Did you hear what I said about that carnival?

- They needed dental charts to identify... - I heard you, Daddy.

Where are you going tonight?

Well? Answer your father.

We're going to the movies.

Liar.

It's Buzz.

Does he have to wake up the whole damn neighbourhood?

Bye.

You've got 10 seconds to get up to bed, young man

- Hi. - Hi.

I got off work a little late.

It's OK. Listen...

How would you like to go to the movies tonight instead of the carnival?

Movies? What for?

It's the same carnival that went through Fairfield County

when they had all that trouble.

Terrific! Maybe we'll get a little action around here.

- Terrific? - Come on! You're not afraid, are you?

No, I'm not afraid to go, I just don't feel like it.

Besides, I promised my father that we were going to the movies.

Forget about your old man. He's just trying to bum the evening.

How can you say that?

You don't even know my father.

Look, it's late.

Aren't we supposed to pick up your friends Liz and Richie?

Hey, loosen up, will you?

So, go on.

Just show me where the electrical outlet is, and I'll set the act up.

Well, the MC says, “I don't understand.

"What do you need an outlet for?"

The duck trainer looks at him and says,

"I need to plug the hotplate in. You think this duck dances by himself?“

Amy, the duck doesn't actually dance, it burns its feet on the hotplate.

Earth to Mars. Come in, Amy.

So, Richie, you still in school or what?

Yeah, one more year.

- Going to college? - If I get in.

Will you loosen up?

- Enjoy it? - Yeah, really terrific.

You really shouldn't be so hard on the boy.

Sometimes I just lose my temper.

Especially when you're drinking.

Don't start about my drinking. I only had a couple this evening.

Besides, Joey really scared Amy tonight.

And he thought she was going to take him to the carnival.

Well, I'm glad they went to the movies instead.

I don't like a young girl like Amy hanging around a travelling carnival,

especially a travelling carnival like that one.

No harm in taking Joey with us on Saturday afternoon.

I guess not. Why don't you go upstairs and tell him we'll go together?

No, I'll tell him in the morning.

What's the rush?

Hey, listen.

Did I do something wrong?

Huh?

Hmm?

Well, I get the feeling you're mad at me.

I'm not mad at you, no.

Yes, you are.

Well, if it's what I said about your old man...

Your father... I'm sorry, OK?

I don't think they're hitting it off. Did they have a fight or something?

Of course they're hitting it off. Buzz is a terrific guy.

You know, Richie, when you're stoned, Charles Manson's a terrific guy.

What do you say we just start over?

Hey, come on, you don't want to spoil Liz and Richie's evening.

- Do you? - No. No, I guess not.

Friends?

Friends.

Buzz is cute!

Oh, excuse me.

Is he a weakling, or is he a Samson?

Can he make the grade? Come on, don't take all day, my boy!

Is he a weakling or a Samson? What'll he do?

Hey, we got a winner here. Y'all need a look. OK.

Not too bad.

I thought he was too skinny. Here, pick a prize.

Is that all I get?

You want this?

OK. Who's next?

- You'll take care of it? - Yeah.

Hey, tubby! Try to work off some of that fat.

You have to picture the little duck's orange beak

just hopping round like it's dancing.

I get it. I get the joke, OK?

- You do? - Yes.

Whoa!

Get it!

Richie!

So, what do you think?

I think he's nice.

Nice? God, I think he's a hunk.

He is an absolute pistol.

You know, if you play your cards right,

you may not have to spend the rest of your life a virgin.

- Liz? - What?

- Fuck up. - Stop!

Sorry.

God is watching you.

I beg your pardon?

He hears everything.

I hate people who preach.

Especially in bathrooms!

Anyway, I don't know what you're saving it for.

Who says I'm saving it?

God is watching you.

Hey, kid! What are you up to?

What are you doing around here?

You want a lift?

Huh? You wanna come for a ride?

Alive, alive, alive.

These are all creatures of God, ladies and gentlemen, not man.

They are authentic, and they are alive.

Alive, alive, alive.

Let's go.

Alive, alive, alive.

"Oliver the steer. Double cranium, cleft palate.“

“Born June 1975, St Paul's, Iowa.“

Oh, Wilbur!

Boy, that's ugly.

Looks like Larry Latiner, the gym teacher.

- Rich, you're so full of it. - No...

What happened to your hand?

Oh, it looks so sad.

- Think we can pet him? - Yeah, sure.

- Hey, it's not gonna rub off on you. - Let's hope not.

- If you're so brave, you touch it. - Not me!

- I think I've seen enough. - Me too. Let's go.

Well, I'll leave too, so you can ask her out.

Lovely.

- Hey, you guys! - What?

Get a load of this.

Huh?

- Forget it. I don't want to see, OK? - You have to.

Richie! Richie!

- What the hell is that? - It's a mutation.

It's a fake.

It's just like the magicians do. It's probably made of rubber.

"Born to Mr. And Mrs. Latiner, Cedar Falls, Iowa."

Richie, you're so full of shit.

I'm getting some air.

Wait up.

Hey, wait. Don't go. It's moving.

It's waving to ya.

Goodbye! Goodbye!

- So long, little fella. Damn! - What?

- The bastard bit me! - Come on.

- What? It bit me. Look at that. Damn! - Oh, come on!

- Asshole! - Hey, watch who you're calling asshole.

Asshole.

Liz'll clean you up.

Come inside and see Daisy May, our two-headed cow.

See a sheep with six legs.

Yes, six. Count 'em yourself, six legs.

And these are creatures of God, ladies and gentlemen, not man.

All authentic and all alive.

Inside, behind that lovely tent,

you're gonna see some of the most beautiful girls you've ever seen.

Six of the most beautiful girls in the world, like my sister Mona here.

Mona, give 'em a little show. That's a girl.

Open it up... No, that's all. Just a tease.

Who will dare to face the challenge of the Fun House?

Who is brave enough?

How about you, sir?

Who is mad enough to enter that world of darkness?

Terrifying terror ride.

You will scream with terror.

You will beg for release.

But there will be no escape.

For there is no release from the Fun House.

- So, what about it? - Huh?

Huh? What do you wanna do first? It's your choice.

What? What?

How about the magician? Wanna come?

Yeah. Good idea.

Hell, I love magicians.

I had an uncle once who was a magician.

I mean it. Oh, he was bad.

One, please.

Have you seen two guys and two girls on a double date?