The Wedding Ringer

Hello. Hi. Seth?

Yeah? Hey, there, it's Doug.

Um, I'm sorry. Doug who?

Doug Harris. You know, Doug Harris.

"Persian Rug Doug"? "Chili Cheese Doug"?

"SPF 60"?

Oh, of course, man.

SPF 60, how are you, brother?

It's been a long time.

I, uh, know we haven't spoken in a while

but I was actually calling because

I've actually got some really great news.

I'm getting married, bud. Wow! That's amazing. Congratulations.

We're very excited and, in fact, I'm doubly excited

because I'm calling to see if maybe

you would want to be my best man.

Wow. Um, I mean, this is a little bit awkward.

I feel like we're not at that level.

It feels like we don't know each other that well. You know?

No, I don't feel that way. What about that...

Seth, what about that weekend in Carlsbad Caverns?

I mean, that was the 9th grade field trip.

The whole class went.

Can I give you the dates?

Maybe you just want to look into it.

Are you still there, Seth?

I don't know what to say, Doug.

I mean, I didn't invite you to my wedding.

That's okay. That's okay.

Yeah, you can't invite everyone that you want to.

Actually, we did invite everyone we wanted to.

We had, like, 400 guests.

Freshman year? Your roommate?

I heard you died.

No. No, that's Len Brophy. I'm the other one.

Truth be told, uh, you're the first person I thought of.

Is that a yes or a no?

Hola, Eduardo.

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Ow!

Stephen!

Stephen!

ls everyone out of the office?

Somebody!

Help!

I can't feel my fucking legs!

You have to know that. Okay.

I ain't lying.

Yeah. I've always been a bit of a hopeless romantic myself.

If our true match exists somewhere,

it's our goal in life to find her.

But, see, Andrew's a bit more rational than me.

Andrew always believed that "the one"

was a farce created by musicians and Hollywood.

Until last December.

Andrew calls my cell phone and he says,

"Remember all that stuff I said about"

"there being no such thing as 'the one'?"

He said, "Well, I was wrong. Her name is Gina Baker."

"And she doesn't know this yet,"

"but she's going to be my wife."

Aw.

And I knew at that moment

that this Gina Baker

was the luckiest girl in the world.

But after getting to know you these past few days,

and as I look at you tonight, Gina,

I know at this moment

that Andrew is the luckiest guy in the world.

Because I know that you both have found "the one."

Aw.

Ah. I said I'm not going to do it.

I want to propose a toast.

This is to the groom,

my best friend,

and his beautiful new bride.

This is to "happily ever after."

- I love you both. - Cheers!

- Congrats, man. - Great speech.

So, are you still the hopeless romantic?

Well, I wouldn't say "hopeless."

Hey, can I speak to you for a minute? Like, two seconds.

Yeah. Uh, I'll be fightback, babe.

I don't even know what to say, man.

Did you see their faces? They were smiling.

Hey, hey!

Man, did you see the beautiful titties on that girl back there?

I'm trying to tag her ass before she passes out, so if you could just...

Yeah, sure. Um, your wig's a little askew.

That's fine. Thank you. Okay. So, I guess that's it.

You know the rules. I do. I just thought that...

Thought what? I thought we maybe hit it off, right?

No. We definitely didn't. Oh.

You're a great kid, but unfortunately, a deal is a deal.

There's no contact after final payment.

I should have charged you more.

I'm serious, man. You got the real deal tonight.

I was in the zone, baby.

Yeah, great. No, we don't do that.

Sure. Thank you, man.

After you.

Where to, boss? Just drive, Otis. Just drive.

Mom and I narrowed it down

to the silver tulle tussie-mussie,

which is an exact replica of the 1915 Texan Tussie-Mussie.

Or we have our Très Beau

with its goldia floral etching,

enhanced in a smoky-silver tone.

Does anyone else feel really fucking gay right now?

Ed! Let's go with the Très Beau.

Trés Beau tussie-mussie is fabulous.

Christ, somebody just shoot me. I'll be outside.

All right, team, can we all gather around, please?

Okay. I have everything I need for the bridesmaids,

but I am still missing the groomsmen's information.

What? Honey, you told me you spoke to all the groomsmen.

See, I sent them an email,

but you know how guys are.

They just haven't responded yet.

Babe, I know you've been really busy,

but our wedding is in 10 days.

I mean, can't your best man

help you with all of this?

Uh, but you see, Bic's still in El Salvador.

Well, let's hope he's in LA next week.

Oh, he will be. Mom.

He'll be there.

Okay, look, why don't I just contact Mr. Rambis,

Mr. Garvey, Mr. Plunkett, Mr. Carew,

Mr. Drysdale, Mr. Alzado, Mr. Dickerson?

I can't breathe. Mister, are you okay?

Honey.

Honey!

Unless you are planning to run,

you are backing yourself into a very tight corner.

I'm not sure I understand what you're implying.

Three out of seven of your groomsmen are Hall of Famers.

She'll leave me, I know. You're not gonna tell her, are you?

She's going to find out soon enough. Oh, God.

Why didn't you say something to me before?

I've been on a bullet train ever since I proposed.

I haven't slept in months.

I can't keep anything down. I keep losing weight. I just...

I just want her to be happy.

The truth is always the best.

What if the truth isn't an option?

Well...

There is one other thing.

Hey, hey! Lou, knock that shit off, man.

Don't worry about Lou.

He had half his brain removed two years ago.

Fuck off. Okay.

Hey, uh, do you know where I can find the basement?