Pushers

This programme contains strong language and adult themes

Are you dealing cocaine on a Wednesday lunchtime, Emily Dawkins?

No.

Why would you think that?

Not again!

That's cocaine.

Correct.

OK, I'm in.

I spend 42% of my spare time playing drug dealer simulations.

I shot Pablo Escobar last night.

The painter?

And I'm currently treasurer for the official The Bill fan club.

Frankly, you need me.

We should sell synthetic cannabinoid.

No, we don't touch that shite.

The profit margin with spice is far higher

and less risky than cocaine.

gross.

Nothing disgusting about money.

You two, give us a minute.

I will return in 58 seconds.

I've been a drug dealer

for literally 90 seconds,

and my cover's already blown.

Shall we call it quits?

Can I be real with you?

I'm really fucking done with crime.

It's just, I've come into some packet.

A lotta packet.

How much...

..stuff do you have?

Do you mean cocaine?

Yes.

Just say cocaine, then.

Street value? 500 grand.

Enough to make me a fucking millionaire.

What are we going to do about...?

She's annoying, I'll admit that.

But maybe she's useful?

One more body pounding the streets would speed things up,

get me out by Crimbo.

Take Mam to Marbella for turkey on t'beach.

I've returned after one minute.

You're in. Congratulations.

Welcome to the inner rectum.

Sanctum. Sanctum.

DOORBELL RINGS REPEATEDLY

Please be a surprise McDonald's.

Open up or I'll kick this fucking door in.

I can see you standing there.

Unless you have a very tall dog.

Who wears human clothes.

And has cerebral Paisley.

Open up. Come on, mate, this white won't sell itself.

And you'll never guess what Minibus Masir's lent me. Is it...?

It's his minibus! Drugs are good for you.

They're not.

They are.

Speed bump!

You'd think they'd want people to slow down for them things.

Listen, I'm telling you, drugs are good for you.

Name me one person who's ever died from drugs.

Michael Jackson?

All right, Wikipaedo.

Listen, if drugs were that bad,

would your man on t'telly really be doin' 'em all the time?

What man on telly?

The...the...the... the man in the clothes.

It's like, erm, it's like a suit.

The...the man, the man in the suit thing.

Mr Blobby?

Nah. It's more, erm...

It's more grey.

Michael Gove?

Big fucker.

Beardy man. Hobbits.

Gandalf?

That's the fella.

He's a fictional character.

No, he ain't.

I were drinking with him in the pub last night.

Yeah.

DICE RATTLE

EMILY CHUCKLES

Right, fuck off and sell coke now.

Lumpy.

You funnel the dirty money into a cash business.

OK, so you keep two sets of...

DOOR CLATTERS

Have you ever considered expansion?

Into like human trafficking?

Organ harvesting, all that fun stuff?

What? No.

What?!

No, I meant dealing beyond the Braybrooke?

All of this, from that blue thing...

The sea.

..to here, that's some other fucker's turf, man.

The Braybrooke estate is here, Ewen Sheridan.

Oh.

What if we set up a legit business

to clean the money?

That speed bump over there is broken.

Right, I went fast like you're meant to,

and the bastard did me face in.

I think you misunderstood speed bumps.

Listen, this business shite,

you stick to being a disabled drugs donkey

and I'll focus on being the criminal mastermind. Yeah?

Ow.

We should use the charity.

It'll be a cover for the cash.

When we "inspect" a venue's toilet,

we could, instead,

be dropping a "special delivery".

Are you talkin' about doing...

..poos?

No. Oh.

I'm talking about cocaine.

Oh, right. Good, yeah.

That's way less weird.

Then any donations we get,

we feed through the charity.

If we do this, right, me one condish...

I'm redesigning the logo.

Cos this here, right? This is fucking shite.

This looks like it were drawn by a little blind girl.

That's because

it was.

You what? Her name is Jane Wu

and she prefers "Visually Impaired Person with Restricted Growth".

Which reminds me, have you considered Human Resources?

Yes. I never thought I'd say this sentence,

but let's recruit a criminal drugs gang.

Wait, I didn't agree to bringing more random fuckers in.

Don't you want to get rid of

the cocaine as quick as possible?

Got it. Have you met my mate...?

Do not say Minibus Masir.

Ewen!

I hit pissy tile.

Yes, Big!

It's a tile that everyone tries to aim their piss at.

I hit it!

Oh, what about Terry the Rodent?

He went down for topping an informant.

He's the rat who eats rats.

A rodent.

I think rodents are the genre of animal, not the...

Ooh, Gandalf! Look! There is he now!

You all right, Gandalf, mate? How's it going?

Seriously, he fucking loves his powder.

Are you sure that guy is on telly?

And Lee Smith.

He's fresh out the pen after a six for murder.

Or were it rape?

I'm pretty sure it weren't rape.

Er, Lee, Lee, Lee, mate?

Were it rape?

How do you know these boys?

Off a course. Cognitive...

..self-change.

This lot need to be discreet.

People the police don't know about.

Disabled people.

More of your lot? Right,

definitely having Minibus Masir, then.

Mate! Can I bring the minibus?

Good idea, a "Disability Bus".

It's a perfect way to get around unseen.

Who else did you have in mind for this Organised Crime Group?

How would you feel about joining a gang?

Can I make a documentary about it?

No.

What skills does HE have?

He's pretty good

at modern dance.

Oh, yeah, right.

Where would the Krays have been without their backing dancers, hmm?

Distraction. That's it.

Harry will keep up Wee CU's social media presence.

We're going to need more muscle too.

No offence, Mas. None taken.

I'm a kitten. Meow.

I know the guy.

Watch out. Fly.

I didn't get it.

The slightly hairier version of that fuckin' muppet who lives in a bin?

He terrifies everyone.

Men, women, children, pigeons, me.

He's in.

OK, right. My turn. I reckon we need one more.

I reckon we need, erm, a proper computer expert.

Wait. Isn't that MY job?

Click on "start application".

Who?

"Start application."

Agh! You've closed the application page.

I will fucking slap you, you robot bastard.

Gimme my application back!