Splitting Up Together

Previously on "Splitting Up Together"...

I need passion and romance and sex in my life,

and Martin just doesn't.

I bet you never would have dreamed

you'd be eating street meat and making out in a parking lot.

Yeah, well, we're not exactly making out.

I wanna fix things with Lena.

Dude, when did this happen?

What if I had danced with her at our wedding?

Maybe it would have changed the entire course of our marriage.

I am so turned on right now.

Mae? I asked you to put away your laundry.

May I finish this chapter?

And, Mason, it's your turn to unload the dishwasher, remember?

Just a sec.

And, hey, what about you?

Did you put the toys away in your room like I asked?

What is...

What are you doing?

What is... what is going on? What are you...

Are you running out the clock right now?

Are you stalling me

until Dad Week so you don't have to do your chores?

If you could hear how crazy you sound...

Mae?

- I plead the fifth. - I plead the fifth, too,

because we're doing what you said.

You suck at the fifth.

Okay. I get it. I get the appeal.

Guess what. I'm in.

I'm leaving my chores for Dad Week, too.

- She's bluffing. - Is she?

You don't know her. She's a changed woman. She's loco.

Okay, now you do sound crazy.

Why is your third-person persona Hispanic?

No lo sé, mamacita.

What is going on in here?

Unclear.

Mom's trying to be fun.

Oh, Mom's pretty fun these days.

I'd ask what that means, but I'm too fun to care.

And I'd pick up all this clean laundry, but...

my week is over. Bye!

Text me if you need me.

Okay.

- Did you guys do your chores? - Yep.

- Yep. - I plead the fifth because we didn't.

How am I doing it wrong?

- Oh, you want some? Want some? - Don't do it.

- Oh, you want some?! - I'm leaving.

- What do you think? - Depends. Can he see?

And what's wrong with you? You seem relaxed.

I'm just really enjoying dating...

and really enjoying Wes.

You really enjoyed Wes?

I really enjoyed him in a car.

Oh, that must've been nice after a two-year drought.

Ohh. Really nice.

And it wasn't just the sex.

It was feeling wanted, feeling desired.

It gave me life.

- It gave you life? Wow. - Yeah.

The only problem is Martin.

He just... He's been really cranky with my lately.

Well, he can probably tell that you've been "given life."

Well, what does he care?

He's in a full-blown relationship with "Our Lady of Abs."

Oh, hey! How's it going with Operation Fetus?

I did some research,

and if I want to do it on my own,

I have to open an account at the sperm bank.

Will they link it to a free checking?

And then I have to sign a semen-purchaser agreement.

- Come again? - And pay for storage.

I thought we store it in you?

And then there's the most important step...

choosing a donor.

But, you know, the good news is,

unlike dating, there really is no rejection.

If you find a guy you like,

you can pretty much just have his baby.

He's not gonna be telling you he's joining the Peace Corps

and then you run into him at Bed Bath & Beyond.

I want you to know, if you decide to go through with this,

I am with you every step of the way...

and in a pretty good outfit.

A really good outfit.

Look at those boobies.

- What happened? - The whole thing was a nightmare.

I didn't even get to dance...

There is nothing sadder than a talented dancer not getting to dance.

Because Lena was hooking up with some guy in his car.

You know what? That is sadder.

I mean, who has sex in a car?

Camille. Me. Lena.

I'm sorry. Was that rhetorical?

I'll get it.

Get what, buddy?

Oh. Hey.

You okay, pal?

Ohh.

This kid's got a fever.

Sorry.

This is the way the movie "Outbreak" started. Mmm.

Thanks for your concern.

Is he gonna be okay?

Of course. I have taken care of many a sick child in my day.

Let's get you upstairs to bed and bundle you up.

Or dress you lightly?

I'm gonna WebMD it. All right.

Hey.

Don't mind me.

Just keep putting your party paint on

while I parent our children...

and you put on the other half of that dress.

Are you looking for something?

- Board game. Ever heard of 'em? - Board game?

They're a wholesome form of entertainment.

Are you having family game night?

As a matter of fact, we are.

You mind if I join you?

Suit yourself. I think we're gonna play Monopoly.

I'll be the car.

Hey.

Yeah, that sounds great, whatever you want. I'm chill.

Chill? Chill?

- Yeah, I'll see you in five. - Chill?! She's chill?!

- She's the opposite of chill! - I am increasingly chill!

She yelled in a very un-chill way!

Okay, stop it. There is no narrating.

Okay, back up. Fight's over.

- Hey! You need to go. - Ugh.

We're almost out of time here.

- This is a really nice place. - Mm-hmm.

This is the kind of place you take a girl

before she has sex with you.

No. This is the kind of place you take the girl

that you really want to keep having sex with.

Welcome! My name is Grace, and I'll be your server tonight.

- Hi, Grace. - Hi.

Allow me to offer you our house infused blackberry-sage water.

Permission granted.

- Infused. - I know.

Wow. That is the best thing I've ever tasted.

- You seem different. - I do? How?

Yeah. I-I don't know. You seem lighter.

At this time, we'd like to remind you that

this is a screen-free restaurant.

We invite you to stow your devices

so you may better enjoy your meal and each other's company.

- Oh. Okay. - Mmm.

I'll just stow mine in my purse.

Oh, but look how sad his phone looks

- all alone in there. - Hm?

I don't really think it looks sad.

Bloop!

"Bloop," huh?

I have to admit, when we first met,

- I didn't take you for a blooper. - No?

No. You seemed like a woman with... stuff.

Now look... you're giving up your phone, you're making fun noises.

I feel like I'm a good influence on you.

I think you are.

But the stuff's still there.

- Mm. - For example, my ex,

who I still live with, is mad at me,

and I think I know why.

And I think it has something to do with you.

- Me? - Mm-hmm.

Even though he's dating someone

with an incredibly flat stomach,

I'm not supposed to date, because I'm the mom.

And I'm trying not to buy into that double standard, but it's weird

- because he's home with the kids. - Mmm.

Doing a game night, and that just...

it makes me feel guilty and absent and conflicted,

and we had a big fight before I left,

where I may or may not have hissed at him,

and I kind of want to check in and smooth things over, but I can't,

because Grace took my phone, and I hate her, but I like you,

and I'm somewhat interested in the veal, which I'm morally opposed to.

Bloop.

No! No way.

You can't just... bloop after that.

Why not? The lightness and the darkness coexist.

I have many sides to me, Wes.

Can you handle many sides?

I can handle every side.

Okay, say, "Ahh!" Like this...

"Ahh!" Uh...

Look, you're gonna have to stick it right under your tongue, right,

and then purse your lips like this, like...

- like-like you're sipping a straw. - That's not how Mom does it.

Well, I don't care how Mom does it. This is how I do it.

But just tell me how Mom does it

so I can show you how much I don't care.

First, she puts her lips on my forehead.

Then, she takes an armpit reading,

and if it's over 100.9, she slips me a $20.

- What? - Grape medicine and a $20 bill.