Status Update

My rise to the top of the Haden High School food chain

happened faster than a three-second Snapchat.

But it wasn't always that way.

A few weeks ago, I was just like you,

then I updated my status and some pretty strange things began to happen.

I feel like I owe everyone an explanation, so here it is.

Oh, and by the way, I don't play hockey.

Or at least I didn't, until a few weeks ago.

Oh, come on, kid.

Knock-knock, I'm invading your privacy.

Come on, get up!

You're gonna be late for your first day of school.

Ugh, it smells like a wet dog in here.

- See that guy? - Hey!

That was me not so long ago.

Listen, you need to finish putting this room together

so when you get home from school today, I want you to start unpacking, all right?

- Breakfast in ten. - Wait, wait, Mom, Mom!

I don't think I feel so good.

Yeah, right.

- Hey, bud, howyou doing? - Hey, Dad.

Sorry for hitting you up so early. Did I wake you?

Aw, please, don't worry about it.

I had to get up early. Giant swells this morning.

- Everything okay? - This place sucks.

I wish I could be there with you.

Listen, you just gotta hang tough till summer, okay?

Then you're gonna be right back here in Cali with me.

- I love you, Pop. - I love you, too, man.

Hang in there, all right?

Whoa!

- Oh, well, sorry about that. - Gramps!

Still getting used to having people in the house.

Yeah, yeah, I'll come back later.

- - Don't play with the phone now.

I'm not playing, I'm swiping.

- Swiping? - Yes.

Get that app off your phone, young lady.

Put it on my phone, though.

Dude, you're gonna wear that on the first day of school?

This isn't Huntington Beach.

Okay, eat up. The bus will be here in ten minutes.

I don't know why I couldn't bring my car.

Dad said he'd pay to have it shipped.

Well, I love that money is no object for your father

because he doesn't make any.

Your dad's need to relax has gotten in the way of him finding any kind of work.

I get it, you guys are mad at me.

But just bear with me and just trust me. I have a plan.

This is better for all of us, all right?

Hey, bro! You need to drop the teen angst act.

Mom and Dad are over. This is the new normal. Accept it.

Look, they're only separated. They're not getting a divorce.

She moved 3,000 miles to get away from him.

To me, that screams divorce, but then again, I'm a realist.

No surf, no Dad, no car,

senior year in Connecticut.

Twenty three? Room 23? Does anybody know where Room 23 is?

Sorry, man, my bad.

Hey, do you guys know where Room 23 is?

Cool skateboard.

- Thanks. - Twenty-three?

- Yeah. - Isn't that East wing, guys?

- Yeah, I got a class there. - It's on the other side of the school.

I really appreciate it, dude.

- Not a problem... dude. -

Come on, come on, where is it?

- Hi. - Hi.

- Sorry, I'm late. - Well, Mr...

Kyle Moore.

Kyle Moore, I really hope this isn't how the rest of the year is going to go.

- Mmm-hmm. - Please have a seat, Kyle.

Great.

Hey.

Hi.

I saw you singing earlier, you were, you were great.

I was a little flat, but, thank you.

- I'm Kyle. - I'm Dani.

- Are you trying to make me jealous? -

Brian, this is Kyle.

Kyle, this is Brian Massey.

Hey, man?

Are you making a play on my girl, Spray Tan?

Brian, I'm not your girl, okay? You're gay.

Thirty-seven percent technically ain't gay, baby and you were flat again today.

Do you wanna win the Slam, or not?

Yes! Of course, I want to win the Slam.

Well, then, mediocrity isn't gonna cut it.

Okay, I'm not taking my shirt off.

I cannot lose that much water-weight again.

You need to step it up.

Are you wearing women's jeans?

No.

Yes, my stylist picked them out.

Dude, you don't have a stylist.

Okay, H&M had a flash sale, I blacked out.

Later, Kyle.

Don't even think about it.

But you can think about this.

Hey, Kyle, looks like you're acclimating nicely.

This is my boyfriend, Xing-Fu.

Xing, Mr Unpopular here is my brother, Kyle.

Where are you from in China?

Oh, no, he's from Connecticut. His real name's Donald.

But he only speaks Mandarin,

because he's so in tune with his Chinese roots.

Let's go, Fu.

What are you doing at my table?

- Sorry, I didn't know it was yours. - Well, it is, so beat it.

Wait, wait, no, no, no, no! Kidding, I'm kidding.

You thought I was serious? That was awesome.

No, I'm not... I'm not a fighter.

I know I look intimidating, but no, I've never been in a fight.

That's not true. When I was in third grade,

this girl kicked me in the eggplant emoji

and I just, uh, fell down and cried,

and pee'd a little.

- Thanks for sharing that with me. - Yeah. Are you really from California?

- Yeah, I really am. - That is gnarly.

Is that how you say "gnarly"?

- Sure. - I've always wanted to go to California,

just skateboard, you know? Like, down the Venice boardwalk

and, like, hang out with Snoop Dogg, you know?

Straight Outta Compton-style, except without, you know,

the smokies, because I have asthma.

But anyways, I can't go, because I sunburn easily

and I'm not really athletic. I'm talking a lot, sorry.

My name's Lonnie. Oh, fist bump.

- Sorry. - Bro.

- But everyone calls me Grimace. - Why Grimace?

Oh, because everyone thinks I look like him.

I don't see it, dude.

Uh, dude. I sound like a Californian.

Yo, Grimace?

Hey, Derek.

I got a B-plus on my history paper.

- Yeah, that's not good. - That's unacceptable.

Stop eating, start studying.

Got it, dude.

You do that guy's homework?

Yeah, Principal Kim makes me "tutor" him.

He's the best hockey player in Connecticut.

He scored more goals in two periods

than any other high schooler in history.

He's got a YouTube channel and I hear pros are watching him.

And then there's Charlotte, Derek's girlfriend.

Hottest girl in the whole school.

The queen of Twitter, Snapchat, Facebook.

She's got like half a million followers on Instagram.

Queen of all the hockey groupies.

They're expected to win the state championship.

We haven't w on in like 20 years, so it's all because of that guy.

Yeah, well, I'm not a hockey fan.

Me, neither, but figure skating's cool. I mean, whatever.

- Yo, Grimace! - What?

Chocolate money shot!

You got your milk all over my titties.

Did I forget to mention he has a really accurate slap shot?

He's good. Do I have anything in my face?

Oh, you got a little something. uh, right... here.

Yo, Point Break!

Hey. Come on, man. I'm just messing with you.

All right? It's nothing personal.

We just do it to all the new kids. So, uh, we cool?

Kyle! Look out!

Five minutes for cross checking!

How's that locker feel, Point Break?

Oh, Cali!

Hey, come on, give me my phone back.

Oh, you wanna call your mommy, Point Break?

Oh, you can actually use my phone.

- Give it back. - Too slow.

They didn't teach you any hockey in Cali?

Come on, Cali Boy!

Give me my phone back.

Whoa, they teach you manners in California?

All you gotta do is say please.

Please?

That wasn't so hard, was it? Here, take it back.

Nice phone, you might want to get that looked at, pussy.

Mortal enemy, check.

Hey, man, do you fix phones?

You're tryin' to lock me into a lot of dos and don'ts right now, you beautiful angel.

Let me tell you something, in a former life, I was a wolf.

Hm, cool.

Mmm. Mmm.

Wait a minute, wait a minute. Your chi is way off.

Your chakras are not aligned.

You know what I'm saying? The feng is not shui-ing.

Uh-huh. Can you fix my phone or not?

Yeah, I can fix your phone. Let me see it.

Okay.

Yeah, say goodnight. This thing's done.

You've "Insta-ed" your last gram, tweeted your last twit.

I know, you left your whole life behind, and you're pissed.

And the kids around here, in pistachio khakis?

They don't really comprendo a surfer dude like you.

Am I right? Or am I right?