Two and a Half Men

- Hey, buddy. - 'Hey, dad.'

Long time no talk. I was starting to think

maybe you weren't a part of this family anymore.

'What? I'm not that easy to get rid of.'

'Just been really busy lately, you know'

'spending a lot of time with my girlfriend.'

Oh, please, tell me it's not the 35-year-old single mother

with the two kids.

'No. Tammy's 36, and she has three kids.'

Jake, she's almost twice your age.

'No, she's not. I'm 19.'

'Geez, do the math.'

How well do you even know this woman?

'Enough to know that I love her.'

Jake, slow down. I'm just not sure

that you know what you're getting into.

'You always do this.'

'You think every decision I make is wrong.'

You're wrong about that.

'You've already made up your mind about Tammy'

'and you don't even know her. Let me ask you this question.'

'If you've never tasted a strawberry ice cream cone'

'in your life, how do you know what it tastes like?'

What?

'My point is, you've never licked Tammy.'

I don't know how to respond to that.

'Yeah, you don't. She's delicious.'

Fine, why don't you bring her up here, so I can meet her?

- 'Okay, I will.' - Good.

- 'I've got leave next weekend.' - You know where I live.

'Yeah, someone else's house.'

He's a dull blade, but he cuts deep.

Well, I've got Jake's room all ready for this weekend.

You know, just out of curiosity

when are we going to stop calling it "Jake's room?"

'Cause I'd really like it to be referred to as

"Walden's gym" or "Walden's home theater"

or "Walden's room to do whatever the hell he wants with it."

Look, I don't mean to split hairs

but a room can't really be both a gym and a home theater.

That's why I also need "Alan's room."

Touche.

Truthe.

Will you stop futzing with my desk?

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm just..

I'm nervous about meeting Jake's girlfriend.

I mean, he's obsessed with this woman.

It's like he's been brainwashed by some cult.

What guy hasn't?

I'm sorry, you said "cult."

You're enjoying this, aren't you?

Yep, I got to get something out of you living here.

You don't pay rent.

Listen, I think you're getting all worked up over nothing.

Nothing? She's 36 years old.

So? I'm 34.

Yeah, and I don't want you dating my son either.

Ouch.

- That's probably them. - It can't be.

Jake wouldn't ring the bell.

Um, h-hello?

Uh, hey, Dad. Uh, this is my girlfriend, Tammy.

Uh, Tammy, this is my dad, Alan.

It's a pleasure to meet you.

- Likewise. Come in. - Wow!

It would take the jaws of life to get me out of this house.

Look, you already have something in common.

I'm, uh, Walden Schmidt.

Good God, you're prettier than I am.

That's quite the grip.

Yeah. I milked cows when I was a kid.

Then I discovered boys.

I'm just kidding.

Not really.

This really is an amazing house though.

Thank you. Be much nicer with a home theater..

...but, uh, I've been very fortunate.

Yeah, so I've heard.

Jake tells me you're stupid rich.

He tells me you're very resourceful.

I'll take that as a compliment.

Please, make yourselves at home. Have a seat.

Is there anything I can get you to eat or drink?

Oh, I'd love a drink

but it would set off my ankle bracelet.

Not really.

I got that sucker off a week ago.

You hear that, Walden?

She just got her ankle bracelet off.

I don't see how this could get any better.

Oh, oh, oh!

It just got better!

Well, look at you.

Uh, now, where would a skull be going

that he would even need a top hat?

Oh, he might be going to visit Yosemite Sam.

Mm.

Yeah, they're kind of my business cards.

I own a tattoo parlor.

Oh, did you hear that, Walden? She owns a tattoo parlor.

That sounds fun.

Yeah, it's called Tammy's Tatties.

It makes guys think of boobs.

Thank you.

Speaking of which, in case you forget

my name's written right here.

Nice!

What's the other one called?

I like you.

I like you too.

Everybody likes everybody.

So, so, so, how'd you two meet?

- Oh, Jake came into my shop. - Tammy's Tatties.

Exactly. See, once you get it in your head, you can't get it out.

No, you cannot.

Yeah, a couple of us guys from the base went out drinking

and they bet me 100 bucks that I wouldn't get this tattoo

of two arms coming out of my butt crack.

Like, you know, someone was trying to escape.

- Oh, Jake, you didn't. - No, Tammy wouldn't let me.

- Damn right. - Thank you for that.

I took one look at his ass and I thought

I don't want to tattoo that, I want to bite that.

Chomp.

- Hey, what's going on? - Jake made pizza bagels.

I make them for Tammy's kids all the time.

Is it breakfast? Is it lunch?

Is it pizza? Is it a bagel?

I'll tell you what it is, it's delightful.

So, uh, how does that work exactly?

Is, uh, Tammy's ex in the picture?

He's in some. And in some, his head's been torn off.

But was I right or what? Isn't Tammy awesome?

She seems great, but, still, you have to acknowledge

that this is an unusual relationship.

I mean she's old enough to have you as her kid.

So what? You are too.

He's got a point.

Doesn't make any sense, but it's a point.

I just want to be sure you know what you're doing.

That's the beauty of it.

When I don't know what I'm doing, she shows me.

Two-zero, Jake.

Face it, dad, I'm not a kid anymore.

Oh, baby, you got a milk moustache.

You ready to go?

- Yep. - Where you guys heading?

Oh, we're gonna do a little shopping

pick up some souvenirs for my kids

and pick up a new nipple gun.

- N-Nipple gun? - Yeah, for piercing.

You give me a body part, I can paint it, pierce it or plug it.

I really like her.

Good, 'cause I want to pick your brain, Mr. Moneybags.

Go ahead.

Well, I'm looking for a stable investment for my pension plan.

Do you think Google's business model is sustainable

over a 20-year period?

Tell you what, while you're out, I'll google it.

You're funny.

- Come on, babe. - Alright. See you, guys.

- This makes no sense. - What are you talking about?

She's beautiful, she's cool, she's smart.

Exactly. What the hell is she doing with Jake?

Besides doing him?

- You're not helping. - I'm not trying to.

Wow.

You ever get tired of this view?

I do not.

I've worked hard for it.

Good one.

- Can I ask you a question? - Sure.

What do you hate about me the most?

No, I don't, I don't hate anything about you.

Oh, please.

I've been in your shoes.

My 17-year-old daughter brought home a 32-year-old guy

and I chased that son of a bitch

right out of the house with a gun.

Oh, my God.

Well, it was a nipple gun.

Which explains why I needed a new one

and also why I was wearing an ankle bracelet.

The point is, I get what people think about me.

And they're only looking at the surface.

Well, there's a lot to look at.

Look, here's all you need to know about me.

I'm raising three kids by myself

I run a successful business, and I own a three-bedroom house

that's not on wheels.

So anybody who judges me, can kiss my ass

right on my tattoo of Brad Paisley.

I-I'm not judging you.

I just, I-I don't understand why you're with Jake.

I'm with him because I care about him.