The Thistle in the Kiss

- -

- -

- -

- -

- -

- -

- -

What am I thinking about right now?

I'm thinking about what it would be like if I was a spy.

Great.

What would it be like if you were a spy?

I think it'd be super suave and sexy.

I think you just get a gun, not a different personality.

Don't tell me how my fantasy works.

I'm actually kind of more into the "Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy"

kind of spying where everyone's all very straight faced and--

Clacky shoes.

What, so it would just be you in a suit and a pair of stilettos?

Now I've got an image of my head

on Gary's body and stiletto shoes.

I'd see that film.

- You haven't seen "Tinker Tailor"--? -No, I have.

I'm saying I'd watch...

...you slash Gary Oldman

in a spy movie where it's just them trying to run in heels.

Yeah, yeah. Okay, I get it.

What would it be called? "Running in Heels?"

"Tinker Tailor Soldier Stilleto?"

It's kind of like Rocky Horror meets John Le Carré.

Do you love me?

Yes, I love you.

Are you in love with me?

Such a--

That doesn't--

-That's not a thing-- -Yes, it is a thing! That's my fucking point!

Yes, I'm in love with you.

And how is that different to loving someone? To you?

Wordage.

I wanna know--

I don't want it to be like--

I'm not asking for some Mills & Boon novel, you know.

I'm not--

- I don't know who that is. -

It's like-- soft porn book from the 80s.

-A lot of heaving bosoms. - Heh.

Saw a video about that the other day.

Probably stopping at Aldi before we--

Grab a bottle of wine or something.

Yeah, to make up for the presents.

They're not going to say anything--

They're too polite. It doesn't mean they won't think anything.

They genuinely won't mind.

Like they're not kids they're waiting,

waiting for the Santa Claus.

I really do love you.

It's just not the same.

We still have Christmas.

One more Christmas.

Hey, Mum. Battery again. Can you come over?

Can't you come over here and pick me up?

It's not like I'm in bloody Inverness.

Yes, it was working fine when I dropped the tree off the

recycling center.

It was on my way back that it died.

Alan didn't fix it! That guy can't even change a flat tire.

I don't know why Dad keeps recommending him to you.

I've got the jump leads. They're here with me.

For the last time, I never filled the tank with diesel!

Ever.

I told you that was Stephanie.

I am responsible! Now come here and help me.

Oh, please! "Whatever Declan wants, Declan gets..."

"Whatever Declan wants, Declan gets."

You need a new catchphrase.

Thank you.

I'll share you my location.

Yes. The map icon next to your inbox.

- -

Love you too.

Bye-bye.

- -

- -

Do you have a tissue?

- Do you want to use my sleeve? -No.

Terrible jumper, anyway.

I bought you that jumper.

I know.

As a joke. I didn't think you'd actually wear it.

- -

You shouldn't drink and drive.

Or dial.

I only had half. Do you want the rest?

No, thanks. I'm driving.

-Where's Mum? -Busy.

-She said she was coming. -Battery again?

Yeah. Let me get the jump leads.

Just come back to town with me. Call the guy

who fixed it last time.

He clearly didn't do a good job of it.

If you turn your car around, we can take it back to mine.

Get it sorted.

Waste of time, Dex.

If we call Alan, we'll waste time and money. Come on.

Mum just told me to pick you up.

Mum agreed to start the car.

It won't be on its own long. It'll be secure.

What's she so busy with, anyway?

Cleaning up after New Year.

We could do with some help that, actually.

-Sure. Just-- -

Turn your car around and we can get it sorted.

Come on, Rachel. It'll take five minutes.

"Whatever Declan wants, Declan gets."

- -

- -

Try yours.

I just don't get it.

I mean--

You replaced this battery, what, four months ago?

Seriously. Just chuck this piece of shit. Get a real car.

Spoken like a true mechanic.

Alright then. You tell me.

I think we need a new alternator to fix the solenoid.

I don't think the ignition coil is connecting with the distributor.

-You don't know it either do you? -I'm googling it right now.

How long do you normally leave it?

I don't know. Like five minutes?

Mum and I normally let it run until we can't be bothered waiting any longer.

What are you doing here, anyway?

Something wrong with the motorway?

Believe it or not, this is actually the quickest route to the recycling center.

Ask the Sat-Nav Lady.

Sat-Nav Lady clearly likes the scenic route.

Going anywhere for New Year?

Keith, Calum and I got the night off at the bar.

Fraser picked us up for pre-drinking libations at his.

Then we went to a lap dancing club, thank you very much.

Money well spent.

Not the Horse and Angel.

How did you know?

First, no way you and Calum are drinking £12 mojitos at Diamond Lace.

Liquorice Rooms is shut for refurbishment. And Longfellows are shut for the holidays.

-Jesus. What are you, a bouncer? -What are you , 60?

I didn't think they let you in without a Zimmer frame.

Hardy har har.

Where there other young guys in there?

-Tell the truth. -The club is not as bad as you think.

Hey, I'm not judging.

Sticky floors. Warm beer.

If that's what you're into, chuck your coins

in the bucket with the other pensioners.

You do you, dude.