Two and a Half Men

* Men. *

Not yet. Not yet.

Okay.

Wait for the traffic to clear,

and then turn into the left lane.

Not yet. Not yet.

Okay. Go.

Hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry.

Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God.

All right, good.

Good, well done.

Thank you.

What are you doing?

Driving.

Both hands-- ten and two.

Twelve.

What?

No, no, like a clock.

10:00 and 2:00.

I have no idea what you're talking about.

Put your left hand on the wheel.

Fine.

You got to like that he can add ten and two.

Yeah.

And he did it in his head.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Concentrate on the road.

What? You listen to the radio while you drive.

I'm an experienced driver.

You drive like an old woman.

An experienced old woman.

My point is, never take your eyes off the road.

Hey, don't distract the kid.

He can barely crap and read at the same time.

I can, too! Don't look at me!

Look at the road! Don't yell at him! Jake, look out!

Look out!

Will you guys just let me drive?

Fine, fine.

Drive.

So, Charlie, when's your, uh...

when's your fiancée back in town?

Uh... next week.

Huh. So, uh...

so her dad's out of the hospital?

Yep. They gave him his new hip and sent him home.

Huh.

So, he had a bad hip?

No, Alan, he has a bad tooth,

but he went to the wrong doctor.

You don't have to be snide.

You don't have to ask dumb-ass questions.

He didn't ask me anything.

Yellow light, yellow light, yellow light. Speed up.

Speed up, speed up, speed up! Slow down, slow down, slow down!

Okay, I've just about had it with you two.

Now, if you don't quit it, I'm going to turn this car around

and nobody's going to the movies.

Man, I've always wanted to say that.

I have to go to the bathroom.

You should have peed when he made that left turn, like I did.

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ah. * Men. * Men.

* Men. *

Oh, there's, uh... there's three over there.

Too far away.

Why don't you ever wear your glasses? Because I don't need them.

Oh, really? So, why did your eye doctor prescribe them?

It's a racket.

I think they print those charts blurry,

and then tell you it's your eyes.

Look, can we just sit down?

No, no, slide... slide over one.

Slide over one. I need the aisle.

Why do you always need the aisle?

Because he's got a prostate the size of an apple,

and he has to pee every five minutes.

There's nothing wrong with my prostate.

I've got a teeny bladder. It's genetic.

Another reason I think you were adopted.

Ha, ha.

Wasn't funny when I was six, not funny now.

For God's sake, can't you at least wait

until the lights go down?

I'm hungry.

Deviled egg?

No.

Close the lid.

It smells like a box of ass.

I don't know why they call them deviled eggs.

I think they're just heavenly.

Why can't you just sneak in candy like a normal cheapskate?

Way ahead of you.

Still got these left over from last Halloween.

Shh.

What the hell are you doing?

How am I supposed to have a rum and Coke

without the rum?

You're not supposed to bring liquor

into a movie theater.

Oh, but it's fine to bring a big box of ass?

Where are you going?

I'm going to sit over here.

But... but this is family time.

I like this family better.

Oh, damn it!

I have to pee.

Oh, great.

Focus!

Focus!

Focus!

Another great movie choice, Alan.

Excuse me, but it was recommended

by four out of five critics

who were not plowed when they saw it.

Can we please just get some ice cream?

You sure we need to buy some?

Your dad probably has gelato in his pants.

Uh-oh.

What? Nothing.

You know those girls? Kinda.

You want to go over and say hello?

Alan, don't be an idiot.

No teenager wants to be seen out with his father.

Especially when his father stinks of deviled ass eggs.

Yeah, but teenagers love to be seen

with degenerate rum-soaked uncles

who always dress like they're on line at Epcot Center.

Well, pardon me for having a personal style.

Will you guys please, please shut up?

Hi, Jake.

Hey.

Oh. She's cute.

You guys go to school together?

Of course they go to school together.

Where else is he going to meet a girl like that?

He has outside interests. He could've met her anywhere.

He only has two outside interests,

and I don't think he met her

at a taco truck or a public toilet.

You know what, I'm not hungry. Let's just go.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

We're not going anywhere.

I want ice cream.

Why, you going to pour rum on it? No.

Crème de cacao.

All that drinking. You know, I feel sorry for you.

Don't feel sorry for me. You're the reason I drink!

Oh, please! If it weren't for me,

you would've choked on your own vomit years ago.

Hey, don't flatter yourself.

I was vomiting

in my sleep long before you came into my life,

and I'll be vomiting long after you're gone.

Next, please. Oh, yay.

Um...

uh, I would like to sample

the, uh... the Passion Fruit,

and the Banana Brickle,

and-- ooh-- uh, maybe the, uh, Nutty Butter Buddy.

Oh, geez-- why don't you just get a double scoop of gayberry

and be done with it?

What... What do you want, Jake?

A quick, painless death.

Hey, what happened to those cute girls?

They left.

Oh, too bad.

I think the one liked you.

They were looking over here a lot.

I know.

Next time, take a little initiative.

Yeah. We're not always going to be here to support you.

* Men. *

So, you peek over your right shoulder

and slide it into the spot.

Parallel parking.

Easy peasy.

Are we home?

We're dropping off Jake.

Oh.

I kind of got a sugar crash off that ice cream.

Oh, yeah, it had nothing to do

with the four ounces of liqueur you poured over it.

Better liqueur than Halloween leftovers.

They charge 50 cents for each topping,

and I had perfectly good candy corn.

Okay, bye.

See you next weekend.

Yeah, maybe. What's that mean?

I'll call you.

Okeydoke.

Boy, you really pissed him off.

I pissed him off? What about you?

Hey, he likes me.

Oh, please. Nobody likes you.

We only tolerate you because you have a lot of money.

All right, get out.

What are you talking about?

This is my car. Fine.

How much do you want for it?