ted

Hey, thanks again for picking us up, Blaire.

Yeah, no problem. What'd you guys end up seeing?

"Jurassic Park."

It's, like, the greatest movie

I've ever fucking seen, like, ever.

Yeah, Spielberg actually got real dinosaurs.

Uh, yeah, I don't think so.

- No, he did. - No, he did. He totally did.

There's no other explanation.

I promise you guys he did not get real dinosaurs.

Well, that's-that's a ignorant thing to say, Blaire,

when you didn't see the movie.

Yeah, no, he made "ET" and he made "Jaws"

and this was his reward.

He got real dinosaurs to play with.

It all adds up.

My only criticism of the movie--

who has open cups of water in the car?

Oh yeah, that was weird.

Yeah, it's like, you want a lid for that water?

Nah, that's OK. I'm just riding in the jungle.

Oh, hey, can we stop by the video store?

I want to rent a movie.

You just saw a movie.

Yeah, I know. And now, we got dinosaur fever.

We want to see more movies with dinosaurs.

Fine, but you got to be quick. I got plans tonight.

Oh, yeah? What-what do you got going on?

Just stuff.

Like college stuff?

Yes.

- Toga party? - No.

Fucking rush week?

No.

Fucking around with the new pledges,

but then Diane goes a little too far

and something horrible happens

but then you all kind of work together to cover it up

and then the next day,

you just go to class like nothing happened

but now you're all bonded for life

by, like, a horrible secret,

and it seems like it's all going to be OK

but then Rachel seems a little shaky

and you wonder if she's going to be a problem?

What the fuck are you talking about?

I'm just making conversation.

OK, you got five minutes. Hurry up and pick something.

OK.

Hey, Teddy. - Yeah?

You ever seen a porno?

Yeah, I saw a lot of them when I was out in Hollywood.

They as awesome as people say?

They are, Johnny.

What are they like?

Well, you turn it on, you settle in,

you get your Kleenex and your lotion,

and you-- you fucking go to town.

Wow.

Sounds amazing.

Yeah, especially afterward when it's over

and you think about what you did.

Really?

Yeah, and you clean yourself up

but the porn's still going on in the background,

but it seems twice as loud now.

And even though you didn't leave the house,

you know you've contributed to a woman's nightmare.

Oh, and you can't

shove that sock in the hamper deep enough.

Man, every time I come in here and I see those doors,

it's like it's so mysterious.

The private, exclusive adults-only room.

Master John, Master Ted.

I'm so delighted that you've joined us.

Are we thinking of renting some pornography this evening?

Indeed, we are, Lloyd.

Splendid, splendid.

We have quite a fine selection for your perusal.

Mm, well, what would you recommend?

Your preference, sir.

Would you like to feel in charge,

or like an itty, bitty baby?

I do believe I would like to feel like a baby.

No one has ever chosen the other one, sir.

Yes, I would imagine not.

Very good, sir.

I'll be right back with your cream and kerchief.

How's the wife, Lloyd?

Well, sir, I'm afraid that Clara passed away last month.

Oh, Lloyd, we're so very sorry.

Thank you, sir. She fought bravely,

but there was nothing the doctors could do.

And how is your son taking the loss?

We haven't spoken since she passed away, sir.

I'm afraid that Jeremy blames me for his mother's death.

How terrible.

Thank heaven I have my work.

Elsewise, I'm not sure I could go on living myself.

Well, enjoy your pornography, sir.

Jesus.

Your fantasy includes the guy losing his wife and family?

Well I mean, the son didn't die,

they're just estranged.

I just feel like

by putting all that on him, it distracts from our story.

Teddy, you want to go in there?

In the back room?

Yeah.

Yeah, don't you think it's about time

I rented my first porno?

Well, I hope you've gotten everything done

that you need to get done ever.

Why?

Oh, you'll see. Come on, let's do it.

Hey! No one under 18 in the adult section!

Ah, shit.

It's all right, Johnny. I'll go and get it.

You hear me?

I said no one under 18!

It's all right, buddy. It's just me.

You came to life in 1985. That makes you what, eight?

Dude, it's a little different.

No. Rules are rules!

Ah, shit.

Wow, what an amazing selection!

These are all so erotic!

All right, if you guys are done

humiliating yourselves in public,

can we get out of here?

Uh, Blaire.

I'm not renting you porn.

Oh, come on, you gotta.

No, I don't.

Blaire, I'm already 16.

OK, if I was Mormon, I'd be a grandfather by now.

Blaire, be a pal, huh? Just this once.

I'm basically an adult already, OK?

I just want to watch an adult movie.

All right, fine.

- What? - What?

I don't have time to stand here all day and argue.

OK, just go wait in the car.

- Holy shit. Fucking awesome! - Oh, my God, Blaire!

You're fucking amazing, Blaire! - Wow, Thank you so much!

Blaire, this is fucking awesome!

Thank you so much! - Oh, you're the fucking best!

Oh, and whatever seems grossest to you,

that's probably what we're going to like.

I'm going to count to three.

OK.

All right, you guys. Enjoy the movie.

Oh, we will.

Oh, and don't be thrown when you turn it on.

It's black and white.

- Even better. - Yeah, finally.

We're telling their stories. - Yeah, love that.

Representation matters.

Glad to hear it.

- OK. - Here we go.

We got at least an hour before Mom gets back.

All right, porno time!

Whoa. "The 400 Blows."

Whoever this guy is, he's going to be a nub by the end of it.

Ah, French fucking. All right.

Little hairy, but I'm on board.

That's what the fucking's going to sound like.

Jesus, how the fuck long has this been going on?

You guys enjoying the movie?

No! It sucks!

How the fuck is this a porno?

Well, I rented you guys an adult movie,

as in a movie for adults.

Oh, you suck.

No, no, but wait, they were talking about ball sacks.

Balzac.

Yeah, exactly. So where were they?

Are saying you don't like the film?

No! No, there's no sex at all in this movie.

Just ennui.

I did you a favor.

No, we want to look at genitals.

Trust me, it's overrated.

Wait, what do you mean? You watch porn?

Uh, no.

But a guy from my school did

mail me a photo of his dick last semester.

Oh.

He even shot it in sepia tone.

Wait, so it was, like, all old-timey?

Yeah.

Like, "This penis is a Dust Bowl orphan"?

You want the kicker?

It was flaccid.

Wait, so he didn't even do the work?

Nope. Just a flaccid dick with a fancy filter.

Well, I guess even a great director

can't save a bad script.

Anyway, enjoy the movie, guys.

It's a classic.