Roseanne - Tenth Season

Jackie, did you know Mom sleepwalks?

Oh, that's dangerous.

I heard if you leave your front door open,

a sleepwalker can wander right out into traffic.

I'm talking wide open.

But you know what the weird thing is?

She's actually really nice when she's sleepwalking.

She asked me how I was doing and said I had nice skin.

Wow.

Then she woke up and said, "Where the hell am I,"

and told me I ruined my children.

Good morning, girls.

Good morning, Mom. How you doing?

Well, I didn't sleep a wink with all the noise in this house

and that lumpy old bed that you've got me sleeping on.

But I grew up in the Depression, so I'm not a complainer.

Although, this is worse.

You know, I hear Jackie's apartment

is nice and quiet.

No. No!

Mom seems very happy here.

And I know that Roseanne wants to spend

more time with her...

since she's been in the home for a while.

Don't you think Bev would be much more comfortable

in your spare bedroom?

Mom! Mom, they're done.

The beans are ground, Mom!

They're dust!

Would it be rude of me

if I were to take my coffee in my room?

- Go for it. - Absolutely not.

You gotta take her.

No. Not a chance.

Possession is nine tenths of the law.

It's not the law when you don't want

the thing that you possess.

Now, she's only here because she came here first

after the home kicked her out.

I hear and respect your argument.

I believe that I can make an equally strong case...

I hate her.

I'm older, so I hated her first.

I don't have any space for her anyhow.

I had to move Darlene and her kids into one room.

All right. I give in.

I will take Darlene and her kids.

No, I like one of those kids.

Well, it's not fair!

She wasn't supposed to be a burden.

She had money.

Well, she doesn't have it anymore.

And the only option is the county facility,

and that's horrible.

No, I know we can't send her there.

Those people are suffering enough already.

We're gonna have to split her.

Ooh!

Let me split her.

All right. We each get her for a week.

Who goes first?

A-ha!

- Scissors. - Aah!

I should've knew you was gonna make a fist...

We were talking about Mom.

"Roseanne" is taped in front of a live audience.

What'cha doing?

Writing a letter of introduction

for when we drop you at the foster home.

How much would you say you eat a week?

Say whatever you have to to get me in.

I'm doing a drywall job for one of the neighbors.

How did you learn to do that?

Did you start doing drywall right after college?

Well, first I apprenticed with the great drywallers of Vienna.

What's this?

Plans for a birdhouse.

After I'm done with the drywall,

he wants me to throw one together for him.

Can I help?

I'll tell you what...

I'll cut the wood, draw up some instructions,

and you can put it together and paint it.

I can do that.

Why do birds need houses when they have trees?

I'll do you one better,

and this'll bend your mind.

Why do we cut down trees

to make the wood for birdhouses?

Whoa.

One day, you'll have a brownie in college.

It'll make it even better.

All right, baby! Mama needs a new pair of shoes!

I raise. Save your money, ladies.

Ah, you're not scaring anybody off with that bubble-gum cigar.

I call.

I fold... I know she's got an ace

'cause it's got the grape-jelly stain on it.

Heh. I win.

Hold on, I want to take a picture for my Instagram.

27 cents... Rappers gon' be shook.

Hey, put that phone down.

You're missing the magic of the moment here.

I'm not putting mine down.

I'm texting with this really hot chick

that I met on a dating app.

We're 100% personality match.

Well, we fight a lot, but I believe the science.

What do two women even fight about?

"I want to put the dishes away."

"No, I want to put the dishes away."

Why do they both want to do dishes?

David used to offer to clean the kitchen.

Then he'd ask me how to clean the kitchen.

Then I would show him by cleaning the kitchen.

So, really, it's a story of how stupid I am.

The problem with my lady is, we're both tops.

Well, I still say it's got to be easier

to be in a relationship with a woman than a man.

I bet Dan thinks the same thing.

Heh, excuse me?

Well, dear, you have to admit, you're a bit bossy.

You're calling me bossy?

Deal, Harris, deal. The tops are about to go at it.

Oh, sweetheart, I'm not bossy.

You just have an adolescent need to challenge.

Oh, you really have to have mustard with those.

Ketchup is pure corn syrup.

That's why I like it.

You'll try it with mustard, you'll see.

Do not open that refrigerator, Mom.

I swear to God, if I even see a light

come on on that thing...

Like this?

Roseanne, it's 6:00 a.m.

It's technically Monday.

You're it.

You've been grocery shopping for seven hours.

What took you?

Long lines.

And then I went to the DMV and renewed my license early.

I've been meaning to ask you...

I have been staring at this thing all day.

What is it?

Oh, that's my marzipan village.

I made it entirely out of almond paste

and, uh... working on it helps relieve anxiety.

It's just a... Just kind of a hobby.

It's not a hobby, dear, it's a symptom.

All I'm saying is,

if you ever want a man to take you seriously,

you need to stop doing things like that.

I have no problem getting men, Mother.

The trick is keeping them, dear.

Look at how you've arranged your furniture.

You have a single chair in front of the TV

that screams "I don't want anybody else here."

And yet some people just don't seem to get the message.

You know what, Mom? I don't want to do this anymore.

I am a certified life coach.

We are breaking this pattern right now.

I love your passion, but when I hear life coach,

I think it should be someone who has a life.

You ever see "The Godfather," Mom?

No, I don't think so.

Buona notte, Mama.

I finished the birdhouse.

Open the curtain. Let's see what you got.

Is this where birds stay when they go to Vegas?

The birds only use it in the summer,

so I made it more open.

But the birds didn't pay me for this job.

Mr. Nelson did,

and he wanted it to match his house exactly.

Well, Mr. Nelson also had his wife

get plastic surgery to look like his mother.

Mr. Nelson is a freak.

Be that as it may,

if you don't give the customer what they want,

they go to someone else.

I'm gonna have to do this over in the morning.

Sorry, Grandpa.

Dad, come on.

I try to encourage him when he thinks outside the box.

That birdhouse was amazingly creative.

It was creative.

But this was a job.

I make up songs in the shower. They're real creative.

But if show up to work naked and singing,

they don't pay me.

They call the heat.

Look, there are different kinds of jobs now

where people get rewarded for being creative.

Elon Musk makes his own rules.

And the 600 people who work for Elon Musk

have to follow those rules.

And if they don't, I'm sure he has

a real creative way of firing them.

You know what?

Would you stop thinking of Mark