Mike & Molly

So, what do you think your mom's gonna criticize first,

my hair, my shoes, the flowers that I got

so she wouldn't make fun of my hair or my shoes?

I told you not to bring flowers.

It's a sign of weakness.

Now she's gonna look for something:

your shoes, your lipstick.

What's wrong with my lipstick?

Nothing. I think it's great.

It's supposed to look like you ate a popsicle, right?

What are you doing here?

You invited us to dinner a week ago.

Did I? It must have slipped my mind.

What is that noise?

Just got a little leak, no big deal. A little leak?

Sounds like the urinal trough at the Cubs game.

What the hell happened?!

Probably just a burst pipe.

I got it under control.

Did you shut off the main?

I was a little busy opening the door for people who show up unannounced.

You invite...!

Never mind. I'll take care of it.

What's up with your lips?

You been sucking face with a clown?

Don't you have bigger fish to fry?

Why didn't you call us?

I can't bother you two with every little thing that pops up.

Since when? You call Mike every time the milk smells funny.

I bought it at that Asian market.

You know how they jimmy with those sell-by dates.

The water main's off.

That'll stop the flow.

Now we can just focus on cleaning up.

I'll get the mop.

Yeah, we gotta make sure the water didn't spread too far,

'cause we do not want to tangle with mold.

It's bad enough these old houses are full of asbestos and lead paint.

Should I be wearing a mask?

Do you own one?

No. Then no.

Thanks, you guys, for helping me out.

Of course. Makes no sense to pay somebody

to patch a hole in the ceiling. Well, we got to support

a bathtub, lay some tile, and while we're at it,

we should put in a toilet that does the job in one flush.

You can't always blame the toilet, Mike.

Yeah, we shouldn't have a problem fixing this.

I looked up "bathroom remodel" on YouTube... they got everything on there.

Although, I have yet to find a nunchuk video with a happy ending.

I just don't understand how it happened.

I mean, she got the new copper pipes five years ago.

Brand-new copper pipes in this worn-out house?

That's like giving an 85-year-old woman a boob job.

Are you serious about the asbestos and lead paint?

What do I know?

I just watched a few YouTube videos.

Who wants pizza rolls?

Oh, thanks, Ma.

Hey, what are you gonna do while we're fixing this?

You can't stay here. You got no bathroom.

You kidding? I grew up on a farm.

Give me a kitchen sink for washin'

and a bucket for squattin', I'm good to go.

Careful, careful, man!

Don't get that on my clothes!

That stuff is toxic!

If we're gonna get you a new tub,

what do you think about one of those walk-in ones?

How old do you think I am?

What does age got to do with it?

I want one.

Molly won't even let me have a chair in the shower.

I'll take a regular tub. No fuss, no muss.

I just don't understand how there was that much water.

We couldn't even find a burst pipe.

What's done is done.

Who cares about the why of it?

I just don't want it to happen again.

It's not gonna happen again.

What if it does, and you're sitting at that table

when that tub comes crashing down?

Well, then that son of a bitch at State Farm'll finally have

to pony up on my life insurance, and you'll be 15 grand richer.

How can you be so casual about this?

'Cause it was just a stupid mistake.

I might have forgotten and left the water running in the tub.

All night? You left it running all night?

All night, all day. I can't keep track of that stuff.

Ma, this isn't like you left your porch light on.

You almost turned your house into an ark.

Look, if it's too much work for you, Moe and Curly,

I'll hire somebody else.

That's not what I'm saying. Then I don't want

to hear any more about it!

Fine!

Just so we're clear, of the three of us, I'm Moe.

Ma just left the water running and was too embarrassed to admit it.

No big deal. No big deal?

She just gave her bathroom the world's biggest glory hole.

The house is old.

It doesn't take much for things to go wrong.

You got that right.

Things get old, things go wrong.

What is that supposed to mean?

Your mom's getting up there.

Maybe her check engine light just came on.

It's not necessarily her age.

I hate to say it, but it sounds like late-stage syphilis.

She's reading a book on Al Capone.

She thinks everybody's got syphilis now.

My mother does not have syphilis.

Still, to be safe, she should notify all her partners.

No syphilis, no partners, stop talking.

Well, if you ask me, it all sounds a little bit too convenient.

What's convenient about a tub coming through the ceiling?

Uh, a son that has to spend every free moment

at his mother's house fixing it.

Is this how your brain works?

No.

It's how hers works.

My brain just figures it out.

Oh, man...

What's still

a mystery to me is how she rigged that tub

to come through the floor at the precise moment we arrived.

I'm thinking it has something to do with, like,

a pre-cut floor and a timer.

You're giving her a little too much credit.

Oh, am I?

You know, when my mental faculties start slip-sliding away,

I want you to do the right thing.

Remarry?

Before that.

Take a lover?

No.

I want you to end my suffering peacefully.

Tell me we're going for ice cream,

then, when I'm smiling like an imbecile in the front seat, bing!

You whack me on the back of the head with a hammer.

Hey, do you want to go out for ice cream?

Anybody need a snack from the kitchen before I take my whore's bath?

No, I'm good. Nah, nah.

All right.

Well, if you hear the ding of the microwave,

that's me heating up my washrag.

Don't run in thinking it's popcorn.

I won't come anywhere near that kitchen.

Don't worry. We'll get lunch delivered.

Once we reinforce these joists, we can start putting in the brackets.

How'd you learn so much about construction?

Well, when your village gets burned down and rebuilt every three months,

you get pretty good with your hands.

Unless, of course, the warlords chopped them off.

You guys think she's okay?

She's a little pitchy, but she can carry a tune.

I mean her mental state.

She seems all there to you, right? Yeah.

No, she's sharp as ever.

Although she does keep mixing me up with Carl.

I think that's less about her memory and more about the era she grew up in.

I know you're worried but, the way I see it,

she's still the same old Peggy Biggs.

Ma!

Oh!

Sorry. I forgot I wasn't alone.

Samuel, she's gone.

I'm gonna stay up here for a while.

How am I even supposed to start this conversation with her?

"Hey, Ma, nice weather we're having.

By the way, we think you're going nuts."

Well, that is not the word I'd choose.

So, what, "loopy"? No!

"Bananas"? No...

"Cuckoo"? No.

You're trying to just open a dialogue with her,

see if she's even aware of her behavior.

I hope she's aware.

I saw things today no son should see. Ever.

I know. It's gonna

stick with me, Molly.

She came out of that kitchen and there they were.

They were so white.

I told you I don't want to hear any details.

Enough people have already been hurt today.

Hey, Peggy.

What are you doing here?

Waiting for my son to come tell me I'm going loony.

Oh.

Are you?

No, I've just been a little forgetful lately.

Apparently if that happens after you're 50,

everybody starts thinking you got the Alzheimer's.

Mm.

Or at my age, they think you just smoke too much pot.

Is that what your deal is?

It is, yeah. Mm-hmm.