Ted Lasso

The audience at home has voted.

Danthony, Jamie. One of you will go home tonight.

The other will continue his lustful journey.

Better call your nan, mate. Tell her to put the kettle on.

Jamie.

The lust stops here.

I'm sorry.

Whoo-hoo! Yes!

What?

-Thank you. Oy, thank you! -Wow.

-It's bull****. -Thank you!

That is an absolute shocker.

Unlucky, really.

Yeah, but we are lucky to have with us, here in the studio, loser, Jamie.

Easy, Phillip. I'm not just a loser, I'm the loser.

Well, Jamie, look, first things first, will you keep your promise to Amy?

-Are you gonna wait for her? -Nah, no.

I was just playing a game, do you know what I mean?

Find the fittest girl there,

have sex with her in the toilet, ask her to marry ya. Strategy.

Well, speaking of strategy, you decided to leave your club, Man City,

right at the start of their season. So why?

Just something I had to do, do you know what I mean?

The second that I found out that George Harrison had died,

I realized that I had to stop waiting for life to begin.

Start taking chances. Living life to the fullest.

But George Harrison died 20 years ago.

Yeah, but I only just found out.

So what's next for Jamie Tartt?

Don't know. Back to Man City. If Pep will have me, that is.

It's funny you mention that 'cause we've got a clip.

You might find this quite interesting.

Any thoughts on Jamie Tartt and his future with Manchester City?

Yes, Jamie.

You know, my wife and I thought he and Amy were meant for each other.

But no, he won't be coming back to Man City.

We wish him luck.

Well, thanks for stopping by, Jamie. Good to see you, as always.

When we come back, have scientists really discovered

low-fat custard that doesn't make you sad?

Sounds too good to be true.

Hey! Jamie! Jamie!

Yeah, yeah. Of course, yeah.

-Thank you so much… -Yeah. All right, yeah.

-How's it going, yeah? -You all right, bro?

-Yeah. -Sorry you got sacked, man.

It's how the crisp crumbles.

Thanks, man. Thanks, bruv. There. Nah, you good, man. Yeah, yeah.

Hello, mate. How you doing?

-What's your name? -Stanley.

Stanley. And you like football, yeah?

-Thank you, Jamie. -All right. No worries, man. Yeah.

All right, see ya later. Nice to meet ya.

I actually think I'm gonna walk, mate. Yeah? Nice one.

Hold on. You slept here last night?

Why?

Jane and I got in a fight last night, and she threw my keys in the river.

Hey, you two are like Frank Sinatra and Ava Gardner, you know?

Or Frank Sinatra and Mia Farrow. Or Frank and-- Actually, you know what?

I'm starting to realize that Ol' Blue Eyes might've skewed mercurial.

-Hey, what time is it? -9:20.

Right. I'll be back.

No, no, no. Smell this.

A Parisian bedroom.

Will, a word.

-Yeah, come in. -You all right?

No, I'm not all right.

Did you put lavender-scented fabric softener in the laundry?

Yes. Yes, I did.

My girlfriend loves lavender. She finds it very calming.

Don't make changes that could throw off a player's headspace.

Sorry, Coach.

Go. Get out.

We don't want calm athletes. We want killer athletes.

Even after they shower?

Did you sleep here?

"Perchance to dream here."

Thanks for the ride, babe. Do you wanna pop in? Say hi?

-No. -Okay.

What you got planned today?

Nothing till the match later.

I'm going to get the girls to run a 4-4-2 diamond formation

'cause that little Kokoruda girl is a fucking beast in defense.

Then I was going to cook you cordon bleu for dinner.

Nigella says if you butterfly the chicken, it'll be more moist.

I don't know what does it for me more,

you mentioning Nigella or using the word "moist."

Yeah!

-Yeah, all right. This is good. -What is Ted doing?

He's probably homesick. Closest thing he can find to a Dodge Ram.

-Good luck with the match, yeah? -I appreciate you.

Morning, Ted!

Hi, Keeley! Uh-oh, is that big, bad Roy Kent in there?

Sorry. He's in a big rush.

That's okay. Hey, you know, "mime is money," right?

-That looked like fun. -Oh, yeah. No, that's a blast.

And it's good for my sciatica too. The vibrations really help out my butt.

-Wow. -Hey, look who's here.

Hey.

That's a cool bike.

That's not a bike, that's a transformer.

Yeah, she really is more than meets the eye, ain't she.

Hey, Doc …tor Sharon!

Good morning.

What's she doing back here, I wonder? Don't we have direct deposit?

I thought Higgins hired her for the rest of the season, didn't he?

Hey, Higgins. Did you hire Dr. Sharon without running it by me first?

Yes. I thought it couldn't hurt.

But I should've asked you first, Ted. You're absolutely right.

No, I'm dead wrong.

I mean, heck, you're Director of Football Operations.

You gotta be able to make your own decisions.

Still, you should've texted me first.

-That's 100% true. -No, 1,000% false!

I mean, you're a busy man!

Whatever path you think is best is gonna be best!

Still, next time you have plans, I want you to run 'em by me first. Okay?

-No, I will not. -Good! Why should you? I ain't your daddy.

Okay, great. We got ourselves a new member of the team.

That's fine. I ain't got no--

Why's it smell like my nana's house in here?

Oh, Ted.

-Wait until you hear this shit. -Do tell, Ricky Bell.

No one wants you.

What you mean no one wants me? I'm Jamie fucking Tartt.

You're too much of a liability.

You act like an asshole and disappear on Man City.

Then you act like an asshole and cheat on Amy with Denise

by having Jacuzzi sex.

No one wants you.

What about a team in Spain or Germany?

Hello, Real Madrid? Do you want Jamie Tartt?

No. Okay, thank you. See?

You weren't even speaking Spanish.

Maybe it's time for you to focus on your television career.

This is Tracey, your new talent agent.

You have an amazing offer for a new reality show in Ibiza.

How do you feel about taking ecstasy every night for three straight weeks?

You gotta help me, man.

Jamie, you know you're like a son to me.

Now you're like a dead son, which means I love you even more.

There's nothing I can do.

Ted Lasso Welcome Wagon has arrived.

Please don't barge in here like that. I could have been in a session.

Oh, right. Of course, I'm sorry.

-Can I help you with something? -Well, yeah. No, I--

I brought you a little somethin' somethin' for your first day at work.

-No, thank you. -Come on, now.

Just try a little bite, huh?

There you go.

That's very thoughtful, Coach Lasso. But I don't eat sugar.

Really? Wow. I've never met someone who doesn't eat sugar.

Only heard about 'em,

and they all live in this godless place called Santa Monica.

Trust me, it's in everyone's best interest.

In a past life, I would inhale a Cadbury's Flake,

talk nonsense for an hour until I passed out.

-I'm the same way with video games. -How so?

You know, it's just something in my life that I really enjoy.

But then I pretend that preventing myself from having 'em

is somehow making my life better.

But in reality,

all I'm doing is depriving myself of something that makes me happy,

instead of attempting to adjust my relationship to it.

Hey, what's your favorite book?

This is interesting.

What is? That my answer's The Fountainhead?

I know, curveball, right? I can explain--

No, what you're doing here.

This is obviously your way of connecting with new people.

Makes sense. It's very disarming.

If it's okay with you, Coach Lasso, I'd like to observe training today.

See how everything's functioning.

Yeah, no, of course.

Yeah, you got a backstage pass. Full access.

Thank you.

Okay.

Oh, hey, you know what I--

And I will let you know what the people from Dubai Air say.

All right, you got any questions for me?

Is it tacky to say I'm rich on an online dating profile?

Only if you put the word "filthy" in front of it.

Sorry, sorry.

Higgins, it's very kind that you gave your office to Sharon.

Yes, it's very club-first mentality, Leslie,

but you really should have an office, preferably your own.

No, you're absolutely right.

It's just very hard to kick an employee out of their workplace home.

It's only temporary.

What about… Caroline in ad sales?

No, she's going through a breakup.

Plus, she's right next door to Laughing Liam.

Lovely man, but…

Hey, Higgins. Who's your new friend here?

Oh, hi, Robert. My name's Ted. Yep.

Hey, my name's Jimmy.

Jimmy Paper?

Page! I goofed that. I'm sorry, that was a great one. Dang it.

Hey, boss.

-Here you go. -Thank you.