Rules of Engagement

Your mother cut off your trust fund and had you evicted from your apartment?

-Yes. Can you believe--? -It took her so long? No.

You know whose fault it is? Curry Povich over here.

He's the one that talked her into it.

Her reasons are valid, she's trying to help you grow up.

I don't want to.

Sir, the value of maturity is that--

All right, Russell, Timmy had me look at your finances...

...and the good news is, you don't have a ton of expenses.

It's just mostly the three Cs.

Uh ,the three Cs, sir?

Uh, Cocktails, condoms and call girls.

I can't believe life's kicking me in nard sack.

Life's not fair, Princess.

I'm about to get my year-end bonus...

...and it has nothing to do with job performance...

...it's all about sucking up to the boss.

You could do that.

Yeah, just lumber in there with your big Frankenstein head.

Me like boss.

Don't be scared. Boss good.

How would you like to get thrown down a well?

I don't play that game. Kissing up's not my style.

Yes, your marriage proposal included the phrase, take it or leave it. Heh.

You took it.

This is all so dreary.

I can't believe I have to cut back my expenses.

All right, my limo's here. If you need me, I'll be at The Plaza.

You're staying at The Plaza?

We're supposed to be watching your finances.

That's why I don't order any room service.

I get all my food from that little fridge in my suite.

No, what I mean is we have to seek out...

...more affordable accommodations for you.

So first thing tomorrow, we're checking you out of The Plaza.

Oh! Cannot be first thing.

I kind of booked a spa morning.

This money's got me stressed.

[SEÑOR HAPPY'S "HOW MANY WAYS" PLAYING]

Well, I gotta say, I thought Swan Lake was gonna be a snoozefest...

...but it was beautiful.

And how awesome was that guy who hunted the swan?

Yeah, but I bet in real life, he'd rather hunt trouser snake.

I'm glad I purchased the series.

I'm gonna go change into something more comfortable.

Yes. Thank you, ballet.

-Hey, babe, where are you? Almost there.

Yeah, you are.

-Where'd the other lady go? -What other lady?

Do you have those teeth whitening trays in?

Uh-huh.

I thought you were gonna get more comfortable.

You know, like sex comfortable. Like, like sexfortable.

Oh, I didn't get that, but sure, I'm up for it.

Uh, should you have those trays in your mouth?

I mean, I was hoping that area might be available for....

...you know.

Well, I can't. But you can.

Great.

-Hey. -Hey! What're you doing here?

Oh, I know schmoozing the boss isn't really your style...

...so I thought I'd do it for you.

That's nice but I told you, uh, my bonus will be what it'll be.

No come on, I'm not working.

This is a way I can help us, financially.

In that dress, there's a lot of ways that you can help us financially.

Let's have prostitution as our fallback position.

I know you're really good at your job...

...but I am really good at playing the game.

I'm witty, I'm charming, I'm a real people person.

I agree, that is how you see yourself.

We both know how Larry feels about women.

I mean, it's a no-brainer. Heh.

All right, fine.

Make sure that you rub up against him.

If we're gonna do this, let's do it right.

-Sir, what are you doing here? -Uh, the Plaza kicked me out.

Apparently, my mom cut off all my credit cards.

And I was only using them for necessities.

You bought a cotton candy machine.

I can't believe I ended up in this outhouse.

Where should I put my hats?

Sir, I've never seen you wear a hat.

Well, then you've never seen me at Kentucky Derby or a gospel brunch.

Sir, you are absolutely not staying here.

Oh, Tim, I wish that were true.

Fine.

I'm going to find you a reasonably-priced apartment.

In the meantime, please try not to pleasure yourself in my home.

I can't promise to try.

So even though I love baking, the cookie business idea...

...ended up being a big bust.

Heh, Audrey, you are a delight.

Bingham, you sack of crap...

...how did a horse's ass like you land such a pretty wife?

Heh, Jeff.

Hey, remember this?

The two of you with me and Karen at the company booze cruise.

Karen is lovely. You hit the jackpot with wife number four.

-Five. -Five.

Can you believe that picture? I looked horrible.

I didn't even know I could make that face.

I wouldn't take all the credit.

Your friends gin and tonic did most of the heavy lifting.

Whoo-hoo!

This isn't funny. I don't look like that.

I look like that. That girl's got it going on.

Well, that does represent the other end of the spectrum.

I'd say that reality lies somewhere in the middle.

This is so embarrassing. Everyone who walks into his office...

...is gonna see me looking like Nick Nolte's mug shot.

Stop. You look like Charlize Theron...

...in Monster.

And everybody knows how pretty you are.

Thank you. Maybe I'm just being silly.

You are. I mean, come on, would Jeff Bingham...

...be married to a dog?

I'm thinking I might start wearing a scarf.

Do you think I could pull off a scarf? Because I do.

Ah.

-Oh, hey, Audrey. Heh.

Oh, how can I help you?

I don't think I'm in the right apartment. Is Spirit here?

Let me take a look-see.

I don't really know what I'm looking for.

Spirit's a photographer.

I'm supposed to be posing for a series of body scapes for her.

Ah, well, these bodies that are being scaped...

...might they be nude?

Yeah, the body is the art.

Exactly. I've said that a million times.

Come on in.

Why don't you strip down to your art...

...and I'll go for the chick with the camera.

Spirit?

Spirit!

So then she goes to get more comfortable...

...and she comes back looking....

Well, it was just a mess.

So you wanted makeup sex.

Oh, no, we didn't even fight.

No, not that makeup sex. The kind where she's still all hot in her makeup.

-Yes. I want that. -I remember makeup sex.

When we were done...

...the pillow looked like someone used it to suffocate a clown.

But now, before bed, Audrey puts on this ratty old robe...

...I refer to as "The Shrinker".

Ugh. Man, I gotta talk to Jen.

Communicating in marriage? Rookie mistake.

I talked to Aud about The Shrinker...

...and it was swiftly replaced by another robe I refer to as...

..."The Termite".

-The Termite? -You know, destroys wood.

Oh, God! Well, I mean, what can I do?

If you want makeup sex, don't let her out of your sight.

If she moves to a second location, it's over.

Okay, no second location.

Oh, hey, so the robe that Audrey wore into the lobby...

...the night we had that fire alarm...

-...was that The Termite? -No, no.

That was just The Shrinker.

Dear God!

You guys will never believe the day I had...

...with this chick from Timmy's building and her friends.

-Check it out, a henna tattoo. -Hmm.

-What is that symbol? -It's a Chinese word for honor.

And coincidentally, on her is where I hope to end up.

So what, they're just a bunch of filthy hippies.

I know, but here's the crazy part. They're poor, but they're happy.

Their happiness comes without money or presents...

...it comes without champagne, or succulent pheasants.

Settle down, Mr. Grinch.

Sometimes the poor struggling times are the most fun.

You know, there's no pressure, no responsibility.

Well, that's it.

My poor, struggling times are gonna start right now.

By the way, do you know what body scaping is?

Yeah. My buddy Mike and I used to do that at the beach...

...when we were kids.

I don't mean body surfing.

No, you mean taking artful pictures of each others' bodies.

Hey, Aud.

My handsome man is home from work...