My Name Is Earl

With gas prizes so high, you try not to drive too much.

But when Catalina is so late for work she's gonna have to change in the car,

it's hard to say no.

Can you drive a little faster?

It's disabled discount day at work, and the last girl gets stuck with Jed.

He's paralyzed from the waist down,

so you never know if you're doing a good job.

Sorry, the engine starts coughing if I go over 40.

I think it has something to do with Randy spitting his gum in the gas tank.

I told him bubbles wouldn't come out of the exhaust,

but sometimes he has to not see things to believe them.

Is that a hot tub?

A used hot tub laying on the side of the road

may not seem like something to be excited about,

but there was someone on my list I owed one to.

Number 72: cost Joy a hot tub.

Hey, baby.

Wakey, wakey.

Hands on snakey.

No morning bang today. Got a job doing some spokesmodeling

at the Camden Barbecue and Hot Tub Convention.

Barbe-Tub-a-Con is today?

How about a quick one before you go?

You know I can't resist you

when your hair's all classy and up high like that.

I know.

When I see myself looking this good, I get horny, too.

But I don't want to be late.

Did I tell you they're paying me with a free hot tub?

Seriously?

So just hold on to your stiffy, and when I get back,

we'll fill that thing up and do it fishy style.

Randy, come in here. We look like cartoons.

My Name Is Earl 4x03 Joy In A Bubble

Catalina was nice enough to help me with a list item:

getting a hot tub for Joy.

All right, let's try lifting it again.

This time, I'll try not to fart, you make sure your top doesn't fall of.

Ready?

Go.

Does anybody knock around here anymore?

Sorry.

We didn't know somebody lived here.

It's an upside down hot tub laying on the side of the road.

Of course, somebody's living in here.

Homeless Joe drove a hard bargain.

He traded the hot tub to us for a bar of deodorant

that he promptly ate.

It was the most exciting thing to come through the trailer park

since Mr. Henson tried to teach his pet monkey to drive stick.

Sweet Baby Jesus...

My whole body's relaxed.

Earl, for the first time ever,

you have satisfied me in a way Darnell never could.

Go, Earl.

Guess that means I can cross you off my list.

For sure.

And the timing is perfect.

I've been having to soak my ingrown toenail

in an old Cool Whip container.

Which means Mr. Turtle gets his swimming pool back.

He'll be thrilled.

He can't really stretch out in the Country Crock tub.

Darnell, get in here.

There's a bubble jet in a place I know you're gonna like.

No, thanks. I boil animals to death all day long.

If I get in,

God may strike me down just for the irony of it.

My Uncle Thorogood, the fisherman,

choked to death at a sushi restaurant.

Big Man's got a sense of humor.

Joy loved her hot tub so much,

she swore she'd never leave it.

And unlike most of her promises,

she had already kept this one for 24 hours.

Baby, you sat in that thing all night. You ever coming out?

I expect around noon I'm gonna need to go buy another 40.

Unless you want to send Dodge to the liquor store with a note again.

You want to put these on?

Gina says the loud music is making her baby cry.

I already put my top back on. Now you want me to wear headphones?

I don't care what these neighbors think.

She's a dumbass that sold her Pontiac

to pay for the in vitro! Now she's living with the consequences!

I don't complain about how loud that baby's dialysis machine is.

How many signs do you need that something ain't meant to be?

I wish you could see your foot from up here.

The way the light is hitting the water,

it makes you look like you've got a giant toe.

I can see it from here.

That is funny.

Watch this. Big toe,

regular...

Looks like your toe's infected.

So what, drink a little cranberry juice?

Mrs. Turner, you have a very contagious, flesh-eating staph infection.

What?

God, I helped you squeeze your flip-flop on.

How the hell did I get that?

Darnell, if this is some kind of mad crab disease, I'm gonna kill you.

It's not shellfish-related.

I've only seen one case in Camden. It was in a homeless man.

The closest I ever come to the homeless is buying those videos where they fight.

I mean, I like to be charitable,

but I don't want to just hand them the money.

The patient was a gentleman named Joe,

and he lives out on Route 4 in an old hot tub.

Earl, you son of a bitch.

Sorry, I didn't know he was infected.

He seemed like he was into hygiene.

He had a soup can full of toothbrushes.

But to be fair, it was also full of soup.

Look what you did.

Hell, yeah, "Oh."

Wow, looks like one of them fancy hot dogs

that plumps in the micro oven.

You are paying for my doctor bills, my pedicure bills and my pill bills.

And no generics...

I want top-shelf meds like the kind that celebrities OD on.

Listen, Joy, whatever you need, I'll do.

Maybe I could come over...

You stay the hell away from me. All I want to see is your money.

Did someone spill milk on the floor?

Oh, man.

Popped again.

Darnell had spent time working with something he called bioweaponry,

so he knew to take infection seriously.

Can I come in now?

Ready.

What the hell is all this?

You keep to the foil.

The boys, myself and Mr. Turtle will walk on the regular carpet.

Did you have to put it shiny side up?

Now I got to wear my underwear when the boys are home.

Man, what a day.

I've been looking forward

to getting into bed

and forgetting about this stupid foot

for the next 14 hours.

What the hell?

It gets chilly in here.

Plus, one of us has to stay alive for the kids.

You happy? Put a bag on it,

so now you don't have to worry about anybody else catching this.

Yeah, 'cause what germ could make it past

a produce bag and electrical tape?

You're uncomfortable even touching me, aren't you?

You know what? I'm gonna go make some ice tea.

What are you doing in there?

Are you boiling your clothes?

I'm making ice tea.

Lord love a duck, Darnell.

I'm wearing a bag.

I'm walking on foil.

I'm glazed up in Purell

like a damn Christmas ham.

What do I have to do to not feel like a filthy leper in my own house?

Bring me Earl Hickey!

Not too shabby.

It's like you're living in a snow globe,

but in the summer, 'cause there's no snow,

which is good because...

Since I'm kind of stuck here,

would you kick Earl in the side of the knee for me?

Joy, I feel terrible...

Sorry, Earl. I got to appease her,

or she'll break out of that thing like a tiny pink hawk.

Anyway, I got to go to work. Good-bye, baby.

Bye.

I feel terrible.

Stuck-in-a-bubble- with-a-flesh-eating-disease terrible

or just a little case of the blues?

The second one.

But I'm ready to make it up to you, if there's anything you can think of...

Oh, I've been thinking.

You're not the only one that can make a list.

These are the things that I do all week, but can't since I'm stuck.

You've deprived me of my freedom, and deprived the world of me,

so until I'm free,

you gotta be me.

I never thought of Joy as someone who has a to-do list,

but it turns out she was a pretty busy lady.

At 3:00 every Tuesday,

she'd go buy meat out of the trunk of some guy's car.

What part of the animal is this?

I don't even know what animal it's from.

On Wednesday, she'd spend four hours at the salon

just to catch up on the latest gossip.

And I couldn't quite hear this part,

but Fran said her babysitter is addicted to hooch, pooch, or cooch.