Marlon

What's up, party people?

Now I've been posting videos online

for the past ten years,

but the ones that get the most love

is when surprise my ex-wife,

Ashley, on her birthday.

- All: Surprise! -

Marlon!

All: Surprise!

Marlon!

All: Surprise!

Marlon!

All: Ooh!

Oh, damn! Ooh!

The surprise is on us, oh!

It's like she never sees it coming.

Ashley, come on, you're turning 40.

You gotta celebrate!

Me and the girls, we're gonna get drunk

and make bad decisions in public places.

For you!

Yvette, as delightful as that sounds,

this is hard birthday for me.

I just really wanna keep it low-key.

Who's turning 40, but still look 39 1/2?

Is it you, woman I do not care for?

Or is it you, woman I am so happy I smashed in her 20s?

I was hoping for a little bit lower key than that.

Now, now, before you get mad at me being me,

I have somebody that's been dying to meet you.

I just wanted to show him where you live

so it'll be easier to find you in a couple of years.

Really, Stevie?

I'm presently unemployed.

3 bucks is 3 bucks.

So! What are we gonna do for Ashley's birthday?

Marlon... I'm not playing with you.

No, no, you made it very clear.

You do not want a surprise party.

Besides, startling somebody your age...

it could lead to a heart attack.

You're older than her, jackass.

I know you ain't talkin'.

What did you do on your 40th birthday?

See "Goonies" in the movie theaters?

You know damn well I ain't 40.

I know who you foolin' with that black don't crack.

But your feet sure do.

Okay? You look 25 in the face

but 62 in the feet.

Your face say, "Black lives matter."

And your feet say, "We shall overcome."

So you could be over 40?

I ain't telling you how old I am...

Grim Creeper.

You're hiding something.

I fancy myself a bit of a sleuth.

In college, I was a founding member of

the Scooby Doo Mystery Solvers Club.

It was way cooler than it sounds.

No, it wasn't.

Looks like I'll have to fire up the Mystery Machine

to find out your age.

Zoinks!

A clue.

A gray hair.

Gray hair?

Uh, this is a blonde highlight.

Now, excuse me.

- So, Ash... - Hmm?

The big 4-0.

What big, crazy gift you gonna get for yourself this year?

One of them stair lift chairs that do this...

Well, you know, Marlon, it's gonna be kind of hard

to beat the gift I gave myself last year:

a divorce from you.

But seriously, Ash, what are you gonna get yourself?

Well, actually, it's somewhat personal.

I don't want to discuss it.

Oh!

I see...

Are you gonna go to

the Caribbean and get your groove back?

With a little Jamaican boy named Dexter?

Stop it!

It's something I've been considering for a while.

You know, I'm just not sure.

Y'all talking about the boob job?

A boob job!

We are now.

Really? A boob job?

You seem surprised,

and I thought you liked surprises.

Yeah, but do you know what kind of person you become

when you do something like that.

A person with bigger boobs?

Sorry, I thought you threw that out to the room.

Now, were you even gonna discuss this with me?

Or were you gonna show up to my house

with them popping out your T-shirt, talking about,

"Hello, welcome to Hooters."

"How would you like your wings?

Spicy, mild, or lemon pepper?"

Maybe this is why I didn't want to discuss it

with you, Marlon, okay?

- It's my body. - Yes, it's your body,

but that's our history.

That's the road map of our memories.

- Road map? - A road map?

My body is a road map?

I didn't mean like a old, weathered, pirate's map.

You know, I meant more like a laminated one you get at AAA.

Ashley, I meant that sweetly.

You complain about your stretch marks.

You know how you got those stretch marks?

Remember when you was pregnant with Zack, we used to go out

and get cheeseburgers and Krispy Kremes?

And those breasts that you want to change...

those fed my babies.

And got us into a lot of clubs in the '90s.

There's more to it than that.

- But what about the kids? - What?

Let's see what the kids think of it.

No, Marlon!

- Do not involve the kids! - Marley!

Marley, listen.

Your mommy wants to get a breast augmentation,

and forgive my language, but that's a boob job.

Now I want you to tell Mommy what you think about this.

Go on.

Go ahead.

Well, it is her body,

and as a feminist, I support her decision.

I knew you was going to be a hater the day you was born.

Go on, get your little behind upstairs.

Okay, Marlon, I'm turning 40.

I've had two kids.

Is it so bad that I want my confidence

back to where they used to be?

And she's a free agent!

She's back here on these streets,

and she started from the bottom, and now she here!

I'm sorry, I don't speak club rat.

So when I get my Rosetta Stone for ratched...

I'll get back at you.

Now, listen, A$AP Nappy is right.

You're going out into the... to the dating pool

with a new pair of floaties.

Okay, stop.

Guys, this has nothing to do with dating, okay?

It's about how I feel in my own skin.

And if I wanna get 'em, I'm gonna get 'em.

Get what?

Uh...

- Donuts. - Uh-huh.

Your mommy was debating

whether we should get donuts or not.

Well, I'm for 'em.

As far as I'm concerned, the bigger the better.

I'm never happier than when I got one in my hand...

and one in my mouth.

Zack, go play basketball.

Now I want a donut.

Listen, this is serious surgery,

and it's dangerous.

You know what, as the father of your children,

I'm not gonna let you do it.

- Let me? - Let you?

Let me?

Let her?

- You don't let me do anything! - You don't let her do anything!

You know that's right.

Coming up in here, telling her what she gon' do.

What in The Hip-hop Wives was that?

Marlon thinks he could tell me what I could do

with my divorced-from-his-ass body?

Stevie's blind-ass,

talking about he saw a gray hair on my head.

He a lie!

And the next time he tries to

throw me a surprise party,

I'ma surprise his ass by not showing up.

"How old I am..."

How about I'm old enough to hurt your feelings

and still young enough to get carded at the club.

'Kay?

Thank you, Yvette.

You know, I love having you as a sounding board.

That's what I'm here for.

Sorry I'm early.

But I was zipping through traffic, cutting between cars.

But that pop-a-wheelie down the block

really saved me some time.

I have no words.

Good, 'cause that's exactly how many words

I want you to have.

Bye, girl.

Seriously, Marlon?