Two and a Half Men

* Men.*

So, I'm confused.

Is Edward the gay vampire or the gay werewolf?

The vampire.

And he's not gay, he's... androgynous.

So he can write with both hands, big deal.

No, I mean...

Never mind.

I'll tell you what's a great movie--

Jackass 2.

Now, I know what you're thinking: sequels suck.

But not that one.

There's this one part where this guy

puts on a diver's helmet with a hose attached,

and this fat guy farts into the tube until he pukes.

The guy in the diver's helmet, not the fat guy.

Sounds puerile.

Oh, yeah, it's totally puerile.

Unless puerile isn't good.

In which case, it's totally un-puerile.

Anti-puerile?

Maybe we shouldn't talk.

Hello!

Oh, crap.

Is that your dad?

No, worse.

My drunken uncle.

I just pray he remembered to pull up his zipper.

There's my main man.

Jake-o-roonie, Jake-o-reenie,

Jake the snake!

Who are you?

Megan.

Meg-a-roonie, Meg-a-reenie,

Megan the snagan.

Zipper, Uncle Charlie.

Oop, good catch.

Thought you had a date tonight.

Not a date, a date experience.

What's the difference?

About $1,500.

So, Megan,

what's your deal?

Trying to teach your parents a lesson?

I'm in Jake's homeroom.

Got it. Yeah, I was pretty sure

you didn't meet him in honors math class.

Boy, I remember being your age.

Going out with Beth Anderson.

She was head cheerleader.

I was crazy about her, but she dumped me

and left me with nothing but a broken heart.

And the clap.

The what?

Wow, you kids today have no idea what that is, do you?

I know it sounds cute.

The clap!

But it burns like hell.

I think I'd better get home.

Wait, don't go.

He'll be passed out in ten minutes.

I'll see you in homeroom.

Come on, Megan.

Thanks a lot!

You're welcome!

I'm really gonna get you back for this.

Okey-dokey.

Megan, hold up!

Oh, Beth Anderson.

Every time it hurts when I pee,

I think of you.

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Men. * Ooh.

* Men.

Charlie.

: What?

Sign this.

I'm not signing anything till I see a lawyer.

Wake up!

What?

Birthday card for Mom.

Sign it.

No, thanks.

Come back with a "do not resuscitate" form

and we'll talk.

Come on, Charlie.

What did we get her?

You mean, "What did I get her?"

No, I mean, what did I pay for?

We went 50-50 on engraved stationery.

50-50?

Okay, 100-zero.

But I will pay you back.

Right.

I assume you don't want to go with me and Jake

to give her her present and wish her a happy birthday.

And I assume you're never gonna pay me back.

We are a well-oiled machine.

"Mom, you know how I feel.

Charlie."

Straight from the heart.

* Men.

This just blows.

Come on.

Seeing you is going to make your grandmother very happy.

EVELYN (over speaker): What do you two want?

Hi, Mom!

Happy birthday!

: Happy birthday.

We brought you a gift.

Doesn't give you license to show up unannounced,

but all right.

She just better keep me in the will.

I can hear you, Jake.

Love you, Grandma.

* Men.

Just so you know,

I like this even less than you do.

That's hard to believe.

I got to tell you,

Mom, you are looking younger every year.

Uh-huh.

I do.

I don't.

So, uh, do you like your present?

It's stationery with a big "E" on it.

It stands for "Evelyn."

Very good, darling.

Uncle Charlie said the "E" was for "evil."

So, any... any big birthday plans?

Like what?

I don't know. Hot date?

As a matter of fact, I did have a date.

What happened? He cancelled.

Whoa, you got dumped on your birthday?

That is so puerile.

Or is it?

What is wrong with him?

Nothing organic. We've had him checked.

So, is there birthday cake?

Oh, Jake, what is to become of you?

Thank God my life is mostly behind me.

I'd hate to be your age, preparing to make my way

in a world that's coming apart at the seams,

while having no discernible job skills

or charisma whatsoever.

So is that a yea or nay on the cake?

* Men.

Bye, Mom! Happy birthday!

Whoa, that was grim.

Yeah, who has a birthday party without cake?

Your uncle really dodged a bullet, didn't he?

Yeah, he did.

Hey, Dad...

maybe we shouldn't leave Grandma alone.

She seemed kind of depressed.

Oh, uh, don't worry.

She doesn't commit suicide. She inspires it.

I was just thinking maybe it'd be nice

to have her to Uncle Charlie's for a real birthday dinner.

You know, Jake, it's moments like this that make me proud.

You've got a big heart.

Okay, we'll bring her back to Uncle Charlie's.

* Men.

Hey. Hey.

How was your time in hell?

So good he brought a little back with him.

Hey. Hey, Mom.

Happy birthday.

I-I...

would have come over, but...

Oh, come on, do I really need a reason?

That's all right. I don't expect much from you.

And you never disappoint me.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I'm going to drown my sorrows in alcohol.

If you're not committed to alcohol,

there's a whole big ocean out there.

What the hell are you doing?

Oh, I just thought it would be nice

if we had a little birthday dinner for her.

You thought it would be nice to bring Mom to my house?

Actually, it was Jake's idea.

Of course. Jake.

And where is... the boy?

It's Sunday. I dropped him off at his Mom's.

Hey, Uncle Charlie. How's it going?

You rat bastard.

Payback's a bitch, ain't it?

Bye.

What did he mean, "payback's a bitch"?

Damn it, Charlie,

how am I supposed to make a martini

without green olives?

He misspoke.

He meant, "the bitch is payback."

* Men.

* Men.

So this is it?

We're just going to sit here watching television