The Jim Gaffigan Show

I happened to hear that you're, uh,

headlining at Carolines on Friday night, huh?

- Yeah. - Mm-hmm.

And you didn't think to ask me if I'd like to open?

Dave, you told me you'd rather eat a urinal cake than open for me.

That doesn't mean you can't ask!

You know? I mean, this is how you treat me? Your writing partner?

- Writing partner? - Yeah, your write... right,

think about it. All you ever do it talk about food, right?

What does this place do? They serve food. Boom. I'm your writing partner.

Remember... remember, I helped you tag that pickle bit of yours?

- Y-you made a suggestion. - Yeah, which you took.

I mean, I would think you would want me to open for you.

I'm sorry, I... I already offered it to Christian Finnegan.

Christian... oh, wow.

I mean, you barely know that guy.

Nah, it's good, it's good. It's good.

'Cause it really helps put in perspective who my real friends are.

- Wow. - Dave, we've known him for 20 years.

W-what's going on with you?

Things aren't going well right now, man.

You know, I used to work Governor's four times a year, right?

Now... now... now I can't even get that...

that jerk-off Trueson to return my phone calls. It's-it's ridiculous!

And I... I wasn't gonna get into it,

but there's personal stuff as well, you know?

I mean, my... my mom, she's getting up there,

and... dude, I think she's starting to lose it.

- Oh, I'm sorry. - She wants me to pay rent now.

You don't pay any rent?

No, I mean, I help out with groceries. I mean, not her groceries, but you know,

if I want something special, I buy it. Unless she buys it.

Right.

I think I'm in trouble.

I've been having, like...

I've been having, like,

some kind of crazy thoughts, man.

Whoa, whoa... what kind of crazy thoughts?

I've been thinking about getting a day job.

What are you... come on, that's... that's crazy.

Y-y-you... you can't think like that.

I mean, hey, look at me.

You're great.

You... you've got fans.

Not great enough to open for you at Carolines.

Yeah, ah, look, Dave, I love you, but our styles are different.

I-I... you know, I don't know if it's a good idea

for me to follow someone who...

whose closing bit involves

him holding a microphone to his crotch.

No, I... I altered that bit. I apparently blew out some sound system

when I stuck the mic in a woman's beer glass. It was kind of a big...

Why would you stick a microphone in a...

- Jim... Jim. -

Be a friend.

I don't know if I can do that to Christian.

But you could do it to Jew.

Jim, would you like to say "Grace"?

Grace. All right.

Name of the Father, Son, Holy Spirit, Amen.

When is Dave not depressed?

No, he's really out of sorts.

Oh, is he jealous about the monthly gig at Carolines? He's such a baby.

I didn't even tell him it was a monthly show.

I'm just so excited for you to be in town more.

I'm just glad there's one weekend a month I don't have to get on a plane.

Oh, I'm gonna need some comps.

I invited Sister Pauline to Carolines, and she's bringing three other nuns.

They've done so much for the school.

Nuns at a comedy show. Sounds like a great idea.

Yeah, I'm also gonna need to give some comps to the Bowery Mission.

Jeannie, if we want Caroline to see

that I can sell a monthly show, we can't give away

all these free tickets to the first one.

You really want me to charge nuns for tickets?

Well, what else are they gonna do with their money? Buy beer and cigarettes?

I mean, look, we live in New York City.

Everyone's gonna ask for comps. We just have to set boundaries.

You know, the nuns I get.

But after that, no more free tickets.

- - Hey. I'm on my way

- to SoulCycle. Wanted to stop by... - Hi.

And say "Thank you" to Jim for the free tickets.

You offered Daniel comps? He doesn't even think I'm funny.

Oh, no. They're not for me. Uh, no.

Trevor and I are going to "Hamilton" that night.

His parents are in town from Arizona.

They're scared of rap music. No, I'm going to SoulCycle. Half a glass.

How are things going with Mr. Perfect?

Well, Trevor says that I'm the

- best boyfriend he's ever had. - Mmm.

Who did he date before? Satan?

Da-zing-Ga!

- It's "Ba-zinga." - No, I say "Da-zing-Ga."

Sorry, Daniel. Can't do it. No free tickets this...

- Daniel, we'll give you the tickets. - Thank you, Jeannie.

Who else is on your little show?

Or is just gonna be you, onstage by yourself, eating for an hour.

Yeah, who is opening for you?

Well, I kind of promised it to Christian Finnegan,

but I think maybe I should offer it to Dave.

- No. No, - Dave Marks?

- no, no, no, no. - No. No.

This is your first monthly gig.

You just said it has to go well. No Dave Marks.

You're right, I guess I just feel sorry for Dave.

By the way, that's a great suit.

You almost look exactly like

the love child of Ted Cruz and Marco Rubio.

- Is that a new bra? - It's called a camisole.

All right? And let's keep the eyes up here.

Hey, you want to go to SoulCycle with me... .

Sorry, I couldn't even say it with a straight face.

I'll see you later.

He has such a crush on me.

No fighting, guys. It's a fun day.

Stevie! What's up?

That's great, you're going to Bonnaroo.

Is that why you called?

Carolines isn't selling?

But...

Yeah, no, no, no. I'll do press.

Well, is there any morning radio that's not in the morning?

Yeah. No, I understand.

Okay. Thanks.

Looks like I'm doing Opie and Jim tomorrow morning.

Didn't you sleep through that last time?

Ah, they won't remember.

Well, well, well, if it isn't our good friend Jim Gaffigan.

Thanks for having me back.

Well, at least you made it this time.

Jim, you remember, last time

he was supposed to be here, he blew us off?

I do remember. What happened with that?

Well, you know, I, uh... I slept in.

What do you mean, you slept in?

I slept in because I had a show the night before,

- and I had flown in from... yeah. - Oh!

A stand-up comedy performance?

What's that like? I mean, I have no idea. I'm just a stupid comedian

that does comedy every night and still gets up at 5:00 a.m. for the radio show.

- All right. Look, I'm sorry. I just... - Tell me, please.

- I didn't know you'd remember... - Ah, we're just messing with you.

Jim Gaffigan's at Carolines this Friday at 8:00 p.m.

And I'm hearing it might be a monthly show,

- Well, I hope. We'll see. - huh?

I hope you don't sleep through it.

- - Uh... oh!

Uh, line two. Who's on the line?

- Hey, Dave! - What's up, Dave?

What's up, buddy boy? How are ya?

- Hey, Dave. - Hey, Jim.

How you doing? What are you eating?

- Um... -

What's he not eating?

Hey, for anybody who's stupid who does not know who Dave Marks is,

the most underrated stand-up comic working today by far.

- Absolutely. And you guys are buddies? - I agree.

- Yeah. Yeah. - You're like the Odd Couple,

but you hang out with each other.

Yeah, don't hold that against me though, huh?

Hey, uh, Dave, Gaffigan's gonna be at Carolines this Friday, are

- you gonna open for him? - Wow, I'd buy that ticket.

Yeah, I don't know guys. You know, I'm pretty busy

doing my own stuff. You know how it goes.

- Jim, who do you got opening for you? - Yeah.

Well, you know, I mean, that's the thing.

You gotta have Dave Marks open for ya.

Yeah, come on, you gonna open for Gaffigan or what?

Uh, well, Jim didn't ask me to, so, you know.

- What? Come on, Gaffigan. - Well... I mean...

You gotta have your buddy open for you.

- What's wrong with you? - Well... uh, all right, Dave,

w-what do you say?

About what, Jim?

Uh, About Carolines?

What... what about it?

Uh, w... will you open for me at Carolines on Friday?

Oh, that's nice. I don't know, man. I'm pretty swamped.

- Oh, damn. Awkward. - Ooh, rejected.

- I tried. I tried. - All right!

All right, I'll do it. I'll move some things around.

- Okay? But you owe me. - Yes!

Nice! Now we're talking! You heard it here first.

Dave Marks opening up for Jim Gaffigan at Carolines Comedy Club.

- This Friday night at 8:00 p.m. - Yeah.

Hey, Jim!

- Uh, Christian. - What's up, man?

W-what are you doing here?

Oh, I'm doing the Opie and Jim show.

Oh.

- Hey, look, uh, I should... - Listen, before you say anything.

I just got to tell you, man.

Working with you at Carolines is like a watershed moment in my career.

My dad is actually coming down from Massachusetts.

- Assuming the nurses let him. - Oh.

So I just want to say, from the bottom of my heart,

thank you.

D... uh, y-you're welcome.

- - _