M*A*S*H

Hey, that's pretty good.

You ever think of auditioning for the Rockettes?

The best physical I ever had was back in W. W. I,

from a pretty little mademoiselle in a French farmhouse.

Mm‐hmm.

The only time I ever had my reflexes checked

without a hammer.

Of course, my mademoisellin' days

ended with the Armistice‐‐

the one I signed with Mildred.

Shh!

How are the tubes?

165 over 93.

Can't be. Take it again.

I did it twice. That's the best of the two.

Damn! If my diastolic's over 90,

the chief surgeon's gonna yank me right out of here

and stick me in some weenie job

sittin' in a stateside hospital

rubber stamping bedpan inventories.

You can't be sure of that.

Pierce, the army is always on the lookout

to 86 an old sawbones.

They love bringing in young bucks

who haven't even unwrapped their scalpels yet.

Everything else looks good‐‐

your blood count, chest X‐ray, EKG.

Do me a favor. Knock 4 points off the diastolic

and 15 off the systolic.

The chief surgeon'll never know the difference.

Listen, for once, I agree with the army.

There's a good reason

why they don't fool with those high numbers.

When it comes to the cardiovascular system,

I'm not gonna fudge.

Damn it! This is my last physical!

Nobody's gonna yank me out of the rat race

until I've crossed the finish line.

Listen, I know you. You wouldn't fake it for me.

Wait a minute.

This physical doesn't have to be in for two more weeks.

Can I buy a little time from you, Pierce?

I know I can reduce the old pressure P. D. Q.

That's fine with me,

but you know what that means, don't you?

No salt, no caffeine, no booze, no cigars.

Easier done than said.

And most important,

you can't let yourself get aggravated.

There's a lot of pressure in running this place.

You're gonna have to roll with the punches.

Don't worry, Pierce.

I'm gonna take a two‐week vacation

in the state of tranquillity.

And you can help by keeping this under your hat.

I don't want everybody in camp

treating me like some doddering old fogey.

You're absolutely right.

Let me help you down from there.

Ah‐ah‐ah. Just a tranquillity test.

Sir! Sir, I've been looking all over for you.

Well, son, if you had looked where I was,

I would have been right there.

You don't understand, sir.

You forgot to sign the form for my pass to Tokyo.

I left it on your desk, but I guess you overlooked it.

Oh, I didn't overlook it. I nixed it.

How could you do that, sir?

Son, it wasn't my doing. It was yours.

H.Q. says all your morning reports

for the past 60 days are 100% wrong.

Impossible! I fill out those morning reports

every few days like clockwork.

Unfortunately, 60 days ago,

they changed forms, and you didn't.

You mean I have to do those reports all over again?

Afraid so.

Oh, sir, that's a mountain of work.

That'll take me at least a week to climb it.

It's a good thing I'm gonna be getting a couple days

in Tokyo to freshen up for the job.

Wrong. You can say sayonara to Tokyo.

H.Q. wants those new reports in three days.

Sir, let me go to Tokyo. There's no hurry.

It took 'em 60 days to find out

I was doing it wrong, didn't it?

Now, look, Corporal,

I'm already getting a lot of flak‐‐

‐Colonel. ‐What!

This isn't worth getting excited about.

Oh, yeah. Right.

Klinger, you've got three days

to make a molehill out of that mountain.

Toodle‐oo.

How do you like that?

He ruins my whole weekend,

and he seems happy about it. Boy, that burns me!

Relax, will ya? He was just doing his job.

Oh, yeah? Well, he seems to enjoy the work.

And what's with you telling him

I'm not worth getting upset about?

I don't want him getting upset about anything,

so don't go grumping around the office.

Ha! I have not yet begun to grump.

Klinger, drop it, will ya?

Oh, yeah? Give me one good reason why.

I'll give you 165 over 93.

And now for today's last bit of news.

This morning, the first robin of spring

was spotted entangled in a camouflage net.

Soon our fancies will turn to things romantic,

like mosquitoes.

When those skeeters arrive,

their bags will be filled with malaria,

so it's top priority that you start taking

your weekly chloroquine pills again.

I now return you to your regularly scheduled repast.

Please, please.

Loved your speech, sir.

I couldn't put it down. Breakfast is on me.

Why, thank you, Igor.

Uh, good morning, Colonel.

How you feeling?

So far, so good.

Uh, that's not coffee, is it?

Oop. Just habit. First thing in the morning.

Thanks for catching it.

Good morning, Colonel. Beautiful day, isn't it?

You have a restful night?

Wouldn't know. Slept right through it. Ha ha!

Sir, is that coffee?

So they tell me. Why?

Because it's awful today.

Mmm.

Absolutely undrinkable.

Well, then, lucky for me

I wasn't planning on drinking it.

Boy, these eggs are bland.

I think they threw the eggs away

and scrambled the cartons.

Hunnicutt.

Would you care to explain

what you just did with the salt?

Oh, that?

I'm saving a seat, uh, for Father Mulcahy.

Pierce, why is everybody suddenly so concerned

about my eating and sleeping habits?

I guess 'cause you're such a swell guy.

Not for long!

You've been tattling about my physical condition.

Please, I thought we weren't going to discuss that.

Colonel, you mustn't aggravate yourself.

It elevates a person's blood pressure.

That is, if a person has a problem with it.

‐Hello, all. ‐Father, here. I saved you a place to sit.

‐Oh, thank you. ‐Mm‐hmm.

Colonel, you're not gonna drink that coffee, are you?

You even blabbed to the priest!

Is nothing sacred to you?

Two lousy days.

The peace talks are a year behind.

That doesn't bother the army.

Morning, Klinger. How's it coming?

Oh, wonderful, sir.

Nothing like an early morning dip in a sea of paper.

‐So Pierce told you too. ‐Relax, sir.

I don't know a thing about your blood pressure.

I didn't want anybody to know,

but in your case,

I'm better off making an exception.

Permission to treat the old man with kid gloves.

‐Oh, what have we got here? ‐Oh, some medicine.

It just came in from I‐Corps, sir.

Good. Probably the chloroquine.

Sir, I'll give you a hand with that.

No, no, no. You do your reports.

I think I can open a box of pills

without stressing myself.

What in Hannah's hell have you done now?

What are you talking about?

You ordered the wrong damn medicine!

‐That's what! ‐Hey, hey, keep it down.

There are people who need peace and quiet here,

and you're one of them, Colonel.

This 8 ball ordered primaquine instead of chloroquine.

I'm sure I ordered what you asked for.

Oh, yeah? I'm surprised you didn't order Anthony Quinn.

On second thought, that would have been an improvement.

At least he could act like a clerk.

Calm down, Colonel. Thanks a lot, Klinger.

Hey, I didn't do anything wrong, honest.

I'll show you. I got the requisition form right here in my files.

I'll show you.

Will you look at all that junk?

Probably the only file with a cake in it.

That's just a doughnut. I save them to bribe the rats.

Relax, Colonel. There's no emergency.

We can get by with the primaquine.

At least we can keep the malaria in check.

If it's the same medicine,