Teachers

Good morning, ladies.

All: Morning! Hey!

Working hard or hardly working? Huh?

Working hard.

Oh, boy. This anybody's?

Oh, that's mine, but you can use it.

- Thank you. - Sure, no problem.

Uh-oh, carb attack. I can never say no to sprinkles.

Right?

It's all downhill from here.

Who was that?

As you all know, we had an intruder

on school property this morning. Apparently, he's been hitting up

various elementary schools,

taking advantage of free coffee and doughnuts.

I knew he was too happy to be a teacher.

How did a total stranger get into the school?

He has my mug. A stranger used my mug.

What if he'd been dangerous?

He couldn't have been dangerous, could he?

He was wearing pleated khakis.

That doesn't mean he isn't dangerous.

You can't judge someone based on their appearance.

That's the only way you can judge someone.

Wrong, that good-time Charlie douchebag was probably

a total pervert. Meanwhile, nice guys

like my husband get pulled over all the time just because

he drives a windowless van and has a neck tattoo.

Okay. Well, everyone should review

the Stranger Danger policy with their classes today.

It's happening again.

No, this is... this is our new head of security

here at Fillmore. Pleasure to meet you all.

I'm Frank Humphrey. I was a detective for

the Chicago Police Department for 20 years.

This morning's incident brought to light

our inadequate security, and even though we already have

a formidable male presence in this school, me...

apparently the district felt that I needed backup.

Here, Frank. I got these

so we could keep in contact. My code name will be Protector.

Yours will be Guardian.

I think I'm just gonna stick with Frank.

Okay...

Okay, so, Frank and Protector it is.

I've been asked to review the Stranger Danger policy

with you guys, but I gotta say, these pansy worksheets

are nothing compared to the real world.

Who here's seen the movie "The Lovely Bones"?

Hmm?

Well, let me tell you something,

you are all one casual conversation away

from ending up in an underground bunker

with Stanley Tucci.

Perverts are everywhere, which is why I brought in

this group of potential perverts.

Uh, whoa, whoa, Deb, you said you needed

some teacher volunteers for...

Just an exercise, Spinnoli. Chill.

Now, I've given each of these teachers

a piece of paper, all right?

Only one of them has an "X" on it,

which marks the pervert.

Who, out of this group, looks most likely

to diddle a child?

Mr. Spinnoli.

What makes you think that, Danny?

Well, he dresses like a supermarket manager,

and he has darting eyes.

Interesting. Anyone else?

Mr. Higgins. He sweats a lot.

No, it's gotta be Mr. Spinnoli.

He smells like taco meat.

Let's find out, shall we?

Which one of you has the "X"?

- - Not one of you guessed

Ms. Spencer was the pervert.

Obviously, Mr. Spinnoli looks like the most

stereotypical pervert...

I need to defend myself.

But the real lesson is you can't tell if someone's

a pervert simply by their appearance.

Remember...

all: Perverts are everywhere.

Everywhere.

I'll probably see you there sometime.

Oh-ho-ho-ho!

Someone's got a boyfriend.

Ahh! Balls!

After the intruder, I got a security doll.

It makes me less of a target driving alone.

Cool. Normally, I just

carry a gun around. I mean, it's not a real gun,

it's a fake gun. I just pull it out when

I feel like I'm in danger. But this makes

a lot of sense, too. Right on.

Hmm. You unbuckle too...

Okay.

Kind of stuck.

Let's see if I can just loosen this now...

What's Caroline doing?

Ah, you're really stuck in here.

Gonna be late. Oh, God.

Good for her.

Couldn't you have left that thing in the car?

No, he cost $500.00.

That's like leaving a 32-inch flat screen TV in the backseat.

You shouldn't need that freaky security doll.

We should all feel safe in our own school.

I'm so mad at myself. I kept thinking

there was something weird about that guy yesterday,

and I didn't say anything.

Me too. I didn't want

to hurt his feelings.

Oh, I knew he wasn't an employee, but because

all of you acted like you knew him, I had to too.

I can't believe you guys didn't say anything.

This just proves the women of Fillmore

need to feel more empowered.

Wow, Chelsea, very progressive.

Thanks, I read an incredibly thought-provoking

Buzzfeed list on empowerment.

And you ruined it.

We should hold a workshop.

- - Together, as best friends.

Totally. We can hold workshops all week

empowering women to speak up and defend themselves.

We'll call it "Women Empowering Women."

"By Women."

"For Women."

Can dudes come?

What?

Let's go see if we can reserve the cafeteria.

Yes!

God, I love acting all political.

Somewhere, Gloria Steinem just puked,

and she doesn't know why.

Okay, that sex doll is creeping me out.

- I gotta go. - Same.

Good call.

No reason for us both to sit alone.

What?

Thank you all for coming today.

It's an important time for us all to be united.

Ms. Bennigan and I feel very passionate about making

the women of Fillmore feel more safe.

What are you doing?

No one here is deaf.

Oh, hmm, sorry.

So this week we'll be holding a series of workshops

that will tackle different ways we can all feel more empowered.

Now, I know all you queens thought something was up

with that creep, but no one said anything because we're all

too concerned with being polite.

So it is time to make your voices heard.

Which is the title of our first workshop.

Okay.

Make your voice heard... Make your voices heard

by being a bitch. By being a big bword.

Okay, um, I think there's a way to speak up

and not be a bitch.

You're wrong, and your opinion is stupid.

See? I just worked the muscle

that will allow me to confront a man

who is making me uncomfortable.

Why are we, as women, so scared to be mean, huh?

Because we might hurt someone's feelings?

Good. Hurt someone's feelings,

insult someone, be a bitch.

Let's do an exercise.

I want to encourage someone to speak up and be a bitch.

Yes, Barb.

I think it's weird Ms. Bennigan

wears Velcro sneakers. They're for people

with head injuries.

That is very bitchy, Barb. Great job.

Does anyone else have anything bitchy they want to say?

Denise!

It makes me uncomfortable that I can see Ms. Bennigan's

maxi pad through her slacks.

That is very brave. Thank you, Denise.

And every time she sits down, you can hear it deflate.

Ooh, v bitchy, v true.

Okay, Chelsea, can we have a little...

Not now, these bitches are finally speaking up.

Can you just take one for the team?

You're being so selfish right now.

Anyone else?

And I think it's gross that when you hug Ms. Bennigan,

you can feel her full-on bush.

Yes, let your bitchy voices be heard!

Why would I go to their dumb workshop

when none of them will come to

my cupcake decorating tournaments?

Ugh, it's so hard. Nobody shares my interests.

Nice to have someone to vent to.

Thanks for listening, Dollton.

Unattended backpack!