M*A*S*H

After what I've been through today, he'll see you now,

and there's no telling what he'll do.

‐Who? Your husband? ‐Yes.

How many times have I told you

what I've been through this past year?

My life isn't my own. He suspects us constantly.

The mere mention of your name, and he‐‐

‐he raves like a madman. ‐Oh, what a shame.

The current lunacy must be quite a strain on you. Pathetic.

Paul, this is no time to joke. Please‐‐

‐How much of this can a man take? ‐Huh?

We must have seen this picture 12 times in the past month.

I've arranged everything...

It's a recurring nightmare with popcorn.

Shh!

Everything I've done.

You are so completely bewildered.

I opened in a play tonight, you know.

Of course. How was it?

A smash. It went like a house afire.

‐And you? ‐At my best.

‐I'm so glad. ‐Thank you.

I'll see you in town tomorrow morning at 10:00.

Why, you dirty little liar!

Paul! You're mad!

Ah, you'll see me again tomorrow?

No, not tomorrow

or ever again as long as you live.

Do you know what it's like

to look in the eyes of a woman while she's lying? Ha ha ha!

Forgive me. I should be more tolerant of liars.

I have been one myself so often.

All right, children! That does it!

Switch on those lights!

You two baboons spoiled a swell movie.

No, we didn't. It's been here so long, it spoiled by itself.

Yeah!

I've seen better film forming in my soup!

Yeah? Well, I happen to think

this is a fine piece of celluloid.

As a matter of fact,

it's my and Mildred's favorite.

Mildred loves Charles Boyer.

This is a war, you know!

Be grateful that we got a talkie!

We are! But don't you think

we deserve a little decent entertainment?

God knows everything else around here stinks.

‐Right? ‐Right!

Like the lousy mail service!

Okay! Okay!

That's enough!

Well, now, it looks like we're not the only malcontents in this tent.

New movies, new movies.

New movies! New movies!

New movies! New movies! New movies! New movies!

MAN (on P. A.): Attention! Attention! Attention, all personnel.

‐(vehicle approaching) ‐Incoming wounded. Report to O. R. on the double.

‐Sorry, folks. That's it for the movie. ‐(all cheering)

Nothing ever changes.

Same old love stories in the mess tent.

Same old horror stories in here.

Some double feature. Hemostat.

Aha. Finis. Cut for me, please, will you?

Good. Lieutenant, would you close the skin for me?

I want to get at the hand.

Right. You did a beautiful job on his leg, Doctor.

Ah. You are indeed a perceptive woman. Thank you.

Margaret, I shall need another nurse here, please.

Yes, I'm gonna handle it, doctor.

Having some trouble over there, Winchester?

Au contraire, Colonel.

Thanks to an incomparable display

of surgical prestidigitation,

this lad will still have two legs to stand on

when he gives me the ovation I so richly deserve.

Ah, the immortal words

of Elizabeth Barrett Winchester:

How do I love me? Let me count the ways.

Yowsa, yowsa. Once again from the Arrogance Ballroom,

you've just heard Satchmo Winchester blowing his own horn.

Ha ha ha ha. Spew on, supercilious twits.

This lad was a mélange of mortar fragments,

an airtight candidate for amputation.

But an arterial graft here, a bit of tendon repair there,

and this boy shall soon be walking home.

How about the hand, doctor?

Well, there's slight damage

to the flexor tendon and the neurovascular bundle.

Winchester, you've got a silo full of smug,

but you sure know which end of a scalpel is up.

That kid doesn't know how lucky he is.

He was unconscious the whole time the movie was playing.

Yeah, well, he's not out of the woods yet.

He's still got 30 or 40 more chances to see it.

Yeah, but thanks to Charles,

he'll be able to walk out on it.

Okay, that tears it!

I'm fed up with your silly jokes

about the movies, the food,

and everything else under my command.

So since you two wisenheimers are such experts

on what's wrong around here, report to my office at 0700.

‐Why? ‐What for?

You two have just volunteered

to be our morale officers.

This little best seller

is the 100‐10 Field Service Regulations Manual.

A thriller from contents to appendix.

Thanks, but we'll wait for the movie.

Now, you need only concern yourselves

with section VI,

from which I quote:

"Administration within a command

provides certain services which strengthen morale.

These are called morale services."

Hence the name.

Ah, that wit and humor

warms the cockles of this old ticker, boys.

Morale here is lower than a gopher's basement.

But quicker than that,

I expect to see this whole post

doing huzzahs and handsprings.

Any questions? Fine.

Don't forget‐‐ I want to see everybody smiling!

Smiling!

Top of the morning, bringers of mirth and good cheer.

I offer you the heartfelt congratulations

of the entire company clerical staff.

Now, if you'll just sign here, I'll be on my way.

‐What's this? ‐Field Service Regulations

section 6, number 84, paragraph 8‐‐ "Leaves of Absence.

"Morale officers may grant leaves of absence

in accordance with the policy prescribed by"‐‐

This is for two weeks.

I can't get to Toledo overnight.

Sign on the dotted line. Benjamin Franklin Pierce, Prince.

Sorry, knave. We're not travel agents.

W‐Well, how about three days?

Toledo‐‐ a whirlwind tour.

I thought you gave up this disappearing act.

This dismal, rotten place has reached a new high in low.

Look at this withering shell of a man.

I need to relax and unwind.

Company clerking is hell.

You're just doctors.

You don't know the meaning of pressure.

‐Oh, very good. ‐Bravo!

You see, Klinger,

it's just that kind of unashamed con artistry

that has made you an indispensable cog

in the new Pierce‐Hunnicutt happiness machine.

Man can resist only so much flattery.

Good. Now, the first thing we need from you is a suggestion box.

‐Make a box? ‐Yeah.

Any idiot can do that.

You want a bigger challenge? Find us some better movies.

That should be easy, considering the fact

that the best one we've seen in months

is The Field Pack‐‐ Your Canvas Buddy.

Ah! The morale officers. Let's talk morale.

"Army and air force exchanges

"directly affect soldier welfare and morale

by supplying items of comfort and necessity."

Paragraph 86, section C, U. S. Army Field Manual.

We're in trouble, Hawk, It's manual warfare.

My nurses would love a supply of cosmetics.

Here's the list. I'd like it filled immediately, please.

Happy to be of service, Major.

Here you are, Beej.

‐There you are, Klinger. ‐What is this?

You guys are really great morale officers.

"Klinger, put up a suggestion box."

"Klinger, get Gone With the Wind."

"Klinger, go to the drugstore." Pardon me.

‐Where are you going? ‐To build a suggestion box.

I got a doozy to stick in it.

I'm warning you two. I want those cosmetics,

so don't just leave it up to that desert dunce!

Private Sheridan?

Private Sheridan? Hello.

I'm Dr. Winchester. We met yesterday,

but I doubt that you will recall it.

You were quite unconscious.

Where am I?

You're at the 4077th MASH.

‐Oh. ‐You're quite a lucky lad.

You and mortar had a rather intense disagreement.

Nine times out of 10 with a wound like that, the leg would be lost,

but, uh, you caught me on a good day.

You won't be doing the Lindy overnight,

but with proper care, that leg will be 100%.

Why is there a bandage on my hand? What's wrong with it?

When you consider that boys come through here every day

and lose their sight, limbs, even their lives‐‐

What happened to my hand?

Well, you have some nerve and tendon damage.

Fortunately, there will be only slightly diminished use of three fingers.

They'll look perfectly normal.

What do you mean, slightly diminished?